What parents wish their doctor had said during their miscarriage

The doctor just said, matter-of-factly, ‘I don’t see it. That happens sometimes,’” recalls Hewson.Nobody answered, and finally a nurse, who was also in the room, said, “The heartbeat.” Hewson had to conclude for herself that her unborn daughter, Rose, had died, and she was about to have to deliver a stillborn baby. She was sent home with induction medicine and instructions to return the next day to deliver the baby.

Many have been stung by callous remarks or felt dismissed by their doctors during what may be one of the most vulnerable and helpless experiences of their lives. She has a standard script she usually follows: “I’m so sorry, Ms. ___, I have to deliver some very unfortunate news to you, and I’m so sorry to have to do this. But your baby is no longer alive. Your baby’s heart is no longer pumping. I have confirmed this with my colleague here, and I am so sorry.” Then she shows the parent the ultrasound screen to confirm the baby’s heart has stopped beating.

“She turned around and lifted her hand like she was telling me to stop. And she looked at me and said, ‘The first step you need to take is to stop calling it your baby. You’re never going to move on if you keep using words like that. It was a blob of tissue—you didn’t lose anything. Your body got rid of something that it wasn’t supposed to have.’”

Other outdated terminology is being eradicated as well, such as the politically-loaded connotations that come with using the official medical term for a miscarriage, “spontaneous abortion.”right word choice can help the parents know exactly what is happening. “It’s really important to let the patient know that the fetus is no longer living, so that they can properly acknowledge what has happened,” she says. She uses a variety of terms , which can be jarring, but honest language is important.

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