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Fauci, Trump Administration Communication During The Covıd-19 Pandemic

We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

10/27/2021 9:36:00 PM

We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

Fauci : Yes, I’ve seen the cartoon drawings of me with a six-pack, and it’s flattering, obviously. I bought some for friends. It’s fun. I show them off at parties. I put them on my business card. It makes me laugh, you know? I put them up on my walls. I smile when I see them.

The Onion: What goes into planning a pandemic?List slidesThe Onion: What goes into planning a pandemic?Fauci: I’m glad you asked, because it’s not so simple as releasing deadly viral pathogens into the air or water. Pandemics are created over time, as a result of millions of discrete decisions to, say, systematically deprive your population of functional healthcare, or encourage people to believe misinformation to the extent that a massive part of the population won’t believe anything an authority tells them. So in that case, the Covid epidemic took a while to prepare, but fortunately all the conditions that made this pandemic so successful are getting even better—for the next pandemic, that is.

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AdvertisementThe Onion: Oh God, please tell me it’s not a sexually transmitted virus, is it?List slidesThe Onion: Oh God, please tell me it’s not a sexually transmitted virus, is it?Fauci: No, we already tried that one a few decades ago.AdvertisementThe Onion: Where will the next pandemic originate?

List slidesThe Onion: Where will the next pandemic originate?Fauci: Right now we’ve narrowed it down to Venezuela and Russia, with Iran as a dark horse candidate, depending, of course, on our political needs.AdvertisementThe Onion: Has a Patient Zero been selected? headtopics.com

List slidesThe Onion: Has a Patient Zero been selected?Fauci: Yes, but I can’t name them outright without risking them finding out. I’ll just say, if I were in middle management at one of Ohio’s quarry excavation equipment rental companies, I’d pay very close attention to what I’m eating for lunch over the next few years.

AdvertisementThe Onion: When will the next pandemic hit?List slidesThe Onion: When will the next pandemic hit?Fauci: Oh, not for quite a while. 2022, at least.AdvertisementThe Onion: What type of P.P.E. will be needed for this one?List slidesThe Onion: What type of P.P.E. will be needed for this one?

Fauci: Everyone will need oven mitts and a chef’s hat to ward off infection.AdvertisementThe Onion: What kinds of symptoms would you like to see in the next pandemic?List slidesThe Onion: What kinds of symptoms would you like to see in the next pandemic?

Fauci: First off, I want people to acknowledge the “long Covid” symptoms like crazy fatigue and loss of sense of taste, which are pretty fun and don’t get enough credit. But ultimately I’d love to see some boils.AdvertisementThe Onion: What will you do to combat misinformation during the next pandemic? headtopics.com

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List slidesThe Onion: What will you do to combat misinformation during the next pandemic?Fauci: Why would I tinker with our number one marketing tool?AdvertisementThe Onion: Are we gonna see a repeat of the toilet paper shortage?List slidesThe Onion: Are we gonna see a repeat of the toilet paper shortage?

Fauci: If you ever shit again, count yourself lucky.AdvertisementThe Onion: How can we punish the pangolin?List slidesThe Onion: How can we punish the pangolin?Fauci: The shame and guilt they’ll carry for the rest of their lives is punishment enough.Advertisement

The Onion: Over-under on American deaths: 3 million?List slidesThe Onion: Over-under on American deaths: 3 million?Fauci: I’ll take the over.AdvertisementThe Onion: Will you be dying this time?List slidesThe Onion: Will you be dying this time?Fauci: I don’t want to spoil anything, but I guarantee there will be plenty of twists and surprises that will keep everyone on the edge of their seats.

AdvertisementThe Onion: How are you able to plan a worldwide pandemic like the one we just experienced?List slidesThe Onion: How are you able to plan a worldwide pandemic like the one we just experienced?Fauci: Well, I can’t take all the credit. I rely on a lot of people who spread misinformation to make people distrust government and overcome the common sense needed to get vaccinated. headtopics.com

AdvertisementThe Onion: Did you get Moderna, Pfizer, or Johnson and Johnson?List slidesThe Onion: Did you get Moderna, Pfizer, or Johnson and Johnson?Fauci: What makes you think I was vaccinated? Seriously, I don’t what’s in those needles, and neither do you.

AdvertisementThe Onion: After what you’ve learned from Covid, is there anything you’d like to do differently in the next pandemic?List slidesThe Onion: After what you’ve learned from Covid, is there anything you’d like to do differently in the next pandemic?

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Fauci: Honestly, I was surprised how fast they made a vaccine. Especially under Trump, I thought no way they’ll do this. Next time we’re hoping to make it confusing enough that a vaccine will take two to three years minimum.AdvertisementThe Onion: How many people are working on the next pandemic?

List slidesThe Onion: How many people are working on the next pandemic?Fauci: We’ve got a few people in government, but it’s actually mostly the private sector. You’d have to ask Purdue Pharma how many they’ve got on it.AdvertisementThe Onion: What can we do to prevent the next pandemic from engulfing the Earth?

List slidesThe Onion: What can we do to prevent the next pandemic from engulfing the Earth?Fauci: I’m contractually obligated to tell you that everyone should get a container of Hellman’s Sriracha Mayonnaise. Now, is that going to protect you? I can’t really say. But NIAID signed this deal, so here we are.

AdvertisementThe Onion: What’s one lesson you learned from Covid that you want to apply next time?List slidesThe Onion: What’s one lesson you learned from Covid that you want to apply next time?Fauci: In retrospect we could have had a little more fun with the media side, getting them to say the disease is spread through contact with blue eyed people or something like that. Those morons will print anything we leak them.

AdvertisementThe Onion: Why are you doing this to us?List slidesThe Onion: Why are you doing this to us?Fauci: [Pets the mink stole he is wearing.] Why shouldn’t I? Look at what you do to yourselves, to one another. This violence, this power—it’s all very casual. It’s something to do.

AdvertisementThe Onion: What are you most excited about the next pandemic?List slidesThe Onion: What are you most excited about the next pandemic?Fauci: This one is gonna kill a shit ton of dogs.AdvertisementThe Onion: Who’s sponsoring the virus?List slides

The Onion: Who’s sponsoring the virus?Fauci: It’s a collaboration between Arby’s and Home Depot.AdvertisementThe Onion: Wow, you’ve said quite a bit of incriminating stuff. You want this to be off the record?List slidesThe Onion: Wow, you’ve said quite a bit of incriminating stuff. You want this to be off the record?

Fauci: Don’t care.AdvertisementThe Onion: You can’t keep getting away with this! The police are on their way now!List slidesThe Onion: You can’t keep getting away with this! The police are on their way now!Fauci: Ha, the police? The police?! I’m the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases! I AM the police!

AdvertisementThe Onion: Last question: Do you believe in the lab leak theory?List slidesThe Onion: Last question: Do you believe in the lab leak theory?Fauci: I told you not to ask me about that you fucking fink. Goddamnit! I’m going to fucking kill you! Get over here! I’m going to tear out your throat! FUCK! I’ll kill you, you son of a bitch! Get back here!

Read more: The Onion »

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Braindead populist moment He is working feverishly with 5G makers to create a magic Jewish space laser virus that will beam radioactive advertisements directly into our brainstems for the government 😂 Hell Bound. Dr. Fauci, 'fuck em, I'm retiring' So what’s the joke here? Or are you now making your realignment to the maga chud qanon shit permanent?

He’s a criminal and needs to be put away Watters' World has really gone down hill The onion sucks so bad now Not even The Onion's defending Fraudci anymore. I'M FUCKED! This post is racist

Jimmy Kimmel's ‘COVID-Safe’ Halloween Costumes Contain A Real Treat For Dr. FauciThe 'Jimmy Kimmel Live!' host held the 'first and hopefully last ever COVID-safe costume pageant.' WHAT THE HELL will 'Anti-Maskers' do for Halloween!! Donald Trump thought dr fauci was a fraud from day 1 Point proven

For him it will be a déjà vu as Trump will be president again. 🤣 You understand how many people will see this and believe it. I bet he'll get one of those Gucci deals for the live appearances TOO SOON. Getting ready to solve the magnesium metal crisis! $MLYF Dr. Fauci will steal ideas from here for next pandemic.

Fauci plans to retire before the next pandemic. His advice to his successor is 'Get out ahead with better branding and use the latest social media platforms to control the flow of information. Get Gwyneth Paltrow to head marketing. If she can sell goop, she can sell anything.' Kill more puppies I’m just here for the trumpies that think this is serious. Even though it doesn’t say foxnews on it :/

Here’s When Dr. Fauci Thinks Vaccines Will Actually Be Available for KidsThey could be right around the corner.

Rep. Nancy Mace Says Dr. Fauci, NIH Must Answer for Deadly Beagle StudyHere's Rep. Mace wants Fauci , specifically, to explain these beagle experiments. Imagine investigating this nonsense instead of Reps who've contributed to COVID disinfo & the deaths of thousands of Americans. But everything else people do to animals is ok? The disconnect is amazing.

Kimmel's ‘COVID-Safe’ Halloween Costumes Contain A Real Treat For FauciThe 'Jimmy Kimmel Live!' host held the 'first and hopefully last ever COVID-safe costume pageant.'

Rep. Nancy Mace says Fauci 'sent puppies to slaughter' with 'barbaric and gruesome' NIH-funded experimentsRep. Nancy Mace accused Dr. Anthony Fauci and the NIH of 'sending puppies to slaughter' and demanded answers to reports that taxpayer money was used to subject dogs to inhumane experimental testing. Evil the world knows! Can anybody say Dr. Mengele. Just saying

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