Unloved Daughters: Are You on the Run from Relationship?

How childhood experiences influence how we deal with emotional connection

6/24/2021 4:03:00 AM

Are you always the one to end a relationship? Here's how to tell if you're being motivated by negative past experiences.

How childhood experiences influence how we deal with emotional connection

, or an acquaintanceship. People grow apart or reveal themselves to be different than we thought they were, or we simply discover that each of us wants different things. But if you always have your running shoes at the ready and it’s well-nigh impossible for you to maintain any relationship, that’s a very different matter.

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What Makes Us Habitual Runaways or Ghosters?There are many reasons you might be behaving in this way, some of them contradictory on the surface. Leaving first and doing the bait-cuttingkeeps you fully in control, and it may be that you act first because the idea of being left is just too painful for you to bear. The preemptive strike may be preferable to dealing with being rejected, although you may not admit that to yourself. Then again, being in control may simply be paramount to you because you don’t like feeling dependent on anyone.

But you may also leave because confrontations of any kind scare the daylights out of you because that’s what you learned in your family of origin. Adult children of parents who are high in control,narcissistictraits, or who are combative by nature—and who use verbal abuse to keep their offspring in line—often have real problems distinguishing a dialogue or disagreement from a fight. As relationship expert John Gottman points out, it’s not whether you disagree—all couples do—but how you act and treat your partner in the course of that disagreement. headtopics.com

How to Stop the PatternKeep in mind that not every unloved daughter actually wants to be in a committed or long-term relationship and if that person is you and you are happy with your life, you be you. But if you’re unhappy with how connection is working in your life, it would serve you to trace your behavior back to its childhood roots.

Generally speaking, this behavior reflects the avoidant style of insecureattachment; you will have to plumb your own feelings and thoughts to discover whether it’s the dismissive or fearful type, which have distinct characteristics.People with a dismissive-avoidant style of attachment have a high opinion of themselves and a low opinion of others. They pride themselves on being more independent than others and are more comfortable with superficial relationships than ones that involve real

intimacy. This isn’t to say that they don’t like being in relationships; they do, but only on their terms and if they can call the shots. They don’t worry about their relationships too much, and they are quick to rebound and find another partner when a relationship ends. (This is the attachment style associated with those high in narcissistic traits.)

Read more: Psychology Today »

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