U.S. Flag Can’t Believe Fucking Wuss Cries Every Time National Anthem Plays

📆 6/4/2020 4:45 PM
📰 TheOnion

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WASHINGTON—Confirming the 41-year-old adult begins whimpering with the first line and is practically balling his eyes out by the song’s end, the American flag stated Thursday it cannot believe future Hall of Fame quarterback and fucking wuss Drew Brees cries with each singing of the national anthem. “Seriously, it’s so pathetic—a few bars of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner,’ and this full-grown man is weeping like a goddamn baby,” said Old Glory, adding that at no point in its 243 years has it ever witnessed such an embarrassing and pitiful spectacle on a field of play. “Every game I’m up there flying above the stadium, thinking, ‘Holy shit, dude, get ahold of yourself. If your grandfathers could see you right now, they’d be so ashamed. They didn’t risk their lives in the war just so you could grow up to be a giant pussy. Have some perspective, asshole.’ Oh, and it’s not just at his games, either. Drew can be at a parade, watching double-A baseball, or just listening to a radio station’s morning sign-on, and look out, here come the fucking waterworks.” The flag went on to report that it didn’t even want to talk about how emotionally frail Brees becomes during fireworks displays.

Write Comment

Confused or constipated? 😂 Take the hat off. Now I have to debate which is going to annoy me more. Hat or taking a knee. They are both disrespectful in my eyes but I think taking a knee tops it for me.. that shit really pisses me off. Freedom nada, just bs excuses. look at me bs

brent858 LOL!

God damn..

You and Babylon Bee (rip Mad and Crazy) are the only thing keeping true journalism alive... Your doing zenu's work.

Savage☠️

LMAO

Happy Holidays!

AmanduhMcDaddy 😂😂😂

Bro, i don't know how The Onion does it but every single headline just ends me. Always hilarious.

as always the onion comes through with the correct response

Man fuck this page

TheBabylonBee

L3vidicu5 the onion is getting wild

“If your grandfathers could see you right now, they’d be so ashamed. They didn’t risk their lives in the war just so you could grow up to be a giant pussy. Have some perspective, asshole.’”

MondayReggie

'Please don't wear me like a cape. We don't know each other well enough and the smell is impossible to get out.' American Flag

friend_robbie

The Onion will be the first tweet I see when I gather my waking senses.

Everytime I hear some idiot complain about 'DiSrEpEcTiNg ThE fLaG' because someone kneels (standing is optional) I just think how they don't complain about the flag on their uniform or the giant flags at dealerships (which are against the flag code)

Waaah That's what America taught him tho Wor$Hip the flag with all of ur ✋ n ❤ 🇺🇸

Great quarterback but not a deep thinker.

yall don’t miss

Woosess!

Wake this unwoke guy up!

Heh Heh Heh!

Maybe he's scared cause he knows the flag is watching him

If I was him I would watch my blind side.

lmao. give the content team a raise

And stands hatless like a sheep.

Too soon😩

The Onion has been killing it lately!

He knows there isn’t liberty and justice for all.

All these flag worshiping so called Patriots make me sick with their BS

why is the onion just so goddamn relevant these days

Dammit I just teared up a little. 😂

that's a great cut

What a crybaby

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