😂 oh shite.
“i like messiahs who weren’t crucified”
is this real or the onion
He then proves his sincerity by having a terrified and handcuffed catholic priest beaten and crowned with thorns at a White House press conference.
Oh, man. So wrong. lol
DrewFromTV You know what's bad? I could see him saying this.
Richie59FIFTY We all know that if Jesus came back tomorrow, by Thursday right-wing talibangelicals would be gathering nails and wood. And the orange fucker would want to swing the hammer. The establishment press would go 'What is truth?' and wash their hands.
DrewFromTV Well... I would hope so considering it was Gods plan for Christ to be crucified to save his people from damnation. If the Jews wouldn't have somebody would have needed to
elbryn_canticle 😆😅😂🤣😂🤣😂
Jew'ish'.
oh how lovely.
Best tweet of the season ha
“He’s very bad, dirty clothes... goes into a church and knocks tables. He just knocks them over. Who pays for the bread and fish? He’s got these guys, they’re goons. They come and they’re stealing donkeys. At least twelve.”
Just give it a day
Has been actively murdering Christ his whole like and presidency
That’s profane!
he would have the biggest cross
Aren't these supposed to be fake?
He said 'He'd have nailed him'
My God
To be fair, many of us already knew this.
HE'S A BAD HOMBRE
I build the best crosses greatest cross . No one knows as much about crucifying someone best crucifier.
How does it feel that I cant tell if your joking or not?
I don't know if this is better than proclaiming himself The Chosen One, and that's the world we live in right now.
Is this so far from reality? Lol
'I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot Jesus'
Jewish street cred
You shouldn’t have fired your funny writer.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOO THIS IS THE BEST BY MILES
'Believe me, bad schmock, not good'
😂🤣
I could imagine this happening
Oh the poor Onion it must be hard come up with crazier shit then the shit that pours out of his mouth daily.
A perfect joke regarding a pathetic joke.
No point in reading satirical news. Just subscribe to the real Trump, he is always more satirical. He tweeted about a radio show in which they said he is the second coming of God: I'm sure he believes this.
jjjinvesting
No story needed just a headline
'Whacked him' is the correct quote.
🤯
Although TECHNICALLY christ didnt become Christ until he returned back to life, so y’know no harm no foul
Zing!
It's his cross to bear.
I don’t mind him being the King of Israel as long as he promises to leave or ends up like Herod Antipas! 🤪
whyd you tweet it twice tho 🤔🤔🤔
QUESTION: How do you say 'Donald Trump' in Latin? 🤔 ANSWER: Pontius Trumpius Pilate. 😯
For the crap trump walks through perhaps he wants to go buy bigger hip boots.
He could have shot him on fifth avenue and not lost any voters.
... just don't think he's knows enough to form this excuse.
LAM_Barrett mmstaff
I'm laughing too hard to be upset at this 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Trump has also murdered satire.
Did he really say that? That is so wrong and a disgusting statement. Burn in hell trump.😠😠😠
And don't forget that our 'Dear Leader' is also a Bible scholar! He mentioned that 'two Corinthians' thing. How did that joke go again, I missed the punchline; 'Two Corinthians walk into a bar and.......whatever, he had them laughing in the aisles! Great guy!
I feel he has spent too much time pressed against a glass window to maintain credibility.
Trump: 'Jesus was a very bad hombre. He questioned the President of Rome, and Jesus wasn't even from there, ILLEGAL alien. Most people don't know that. Or that Jesus never had a JOB. Honestly, Jesus should have been separated from his 'parents' when he was born. Anchor baby!!'
Al75433927 Is there a day with this human stain doesn’t insult some group of people? Rhetorical question of course ☹️
😂
how about just not giving a f&,, was that a option in those days? LoL
Well then the Old Testament would be his favorite book.
faithlesssouth Had to check where this came from 😅
I thought this was real until I saw the Onion icon. It would totally be something he'd say.
I know this is satire, but I could honestly see Donald Trump murdering Christ just to ease tensions with the Jewish Community
No he didn’t. This is a lie. Trump would have found a way to fix the situation unlike that bum Pontius Pilate and you all know it!
'Hey, look, we're all circumcised, here.'
Little did he realize that with Christ also being a jew, the whole point was moot.
Hard to lampoon when the actual headline was calling himself the chosen one.
'What is truth?' ~ Pontius Trumpate
Trump did claim he can shoot Jesus Christ on 5th Ave and the US Evangelicals would still support him. (Especially since the Christ dude was a brown middle eastern type)
GOTTA love The Onion.
Just another day at camp Trump
Hey atleast he isn’t going around saying Israel “hypnotized the world” lol
*snort laugh*
when does snopes fact check this?
'folks, they tell me he was handing out bread to just anyone, nasty guy, nasty guy'
I thought you were supposed to do fake articles.
12:28 ДП · 26 авг. 2019 г.· АХАХА)
On Fifth Avenue
Bad joke, not funny.
ChefFanBurgers I remember when the Onion used to be funny. Remember the Sony Stupid Piece of Shit and the Macbook Wheel?
unironically yes
This but unironically
I need the follow-up joke of how the Christian members of his base accepted and supported this statement
I think this is hilarious. Lighten up peeps!
IM ACTUALLY CRYING
trollball
He couldn’t have murdered Christ, time travel is impossible
aterkel Of all things to retweet... you choose THIS shameless
TheAuthorGuy Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. But. Yeah. I miss the days when The Onion was hilarious satire. 💔
TheAuthorGuy This is close to being believable.
Tomorrow’s headlines, Today
Popehat Trump would have shot him on Fifth Avenue
As I've said many times, the onion is at their finest when they deal with most sensitive of subjects.
Hahahaha that bastard
realDonaldTrump
Oy!
Popehat & sprinkles a bit of infant blood on his Wheaties in the morning.
Hahahahahahahaha
This slayed me.
Too real to be satire
Bs
onionpilled
This crap isn’t even remotely funny. DELETE THIS NOW! Christians have murdered Jews over this blatant lie. Human sin is the culprit!
Whoever wrote this one will be looking for a new job by Monday. You’ve offended our Overlords. Maybe try the TheBabylonBee for your next employer
You’re not funny anymore.
Scary and funny to think that Onion doesn't even need to tell satire anymore.
This is a terrible tweet. Please delete this.
jeffgiesea DEMS using division daily to cause chaos, hate & distraction from REAL American progress! Sad how evil MSM is against the best President in history for Jews, LGBT, Babies, Blacks/Browns & Christians. Seems Satanic left is angry when UNITY happens vs. EVIL
Hahaha
When will stop writing trump’s speeches for him?
👏👏👏👏👏
lowtheband you are aware the onion is a parody site? Just saying.
uhhhh based department
Lulz. Your supporters will shit kittens when you shoot him in the middle of 5th Ave and make him the Hole-y Ghost.
ml_maria_ Ha ha!
I should not laugh at this.
nautegome12 Too close to the truth.
MeIGibsonFan36 Hahahahahaha XD XD XD
Too soon?
I mean... I may have to google to see for myself if he actually said this and it is not satire. 🤷♂️
NOTFUNNY
Oof
Way to close to be satire.
MeIGibsonFan36 There's a subtle hint of redpilled in this satire
bingustheory
To say this I guess he had to take Netanyahu's circumcised penis out of his mouth for a few seconds. Probably had a panic attack.
Bwaa haha!
I for one second thought this could be true. ☺️
This was a real tweet, if not it soon will be🤦♂️
That socialist.
Oh Onion, never ever change!
Whoever did this one, you need a promotion lmao
SisypheanShade Oh that's right, the Jews did do that. What assholes
Yeah, king of Israel.
Lol! The day is coming when The Onion crosses over to reality!
Like christ, I am dying
Logical_Lobo OMG!!! LOL
Trump: 'There can be only one.'
Seriously, who in the office has the time machine?
snopes is this true?
cstross I had to look twice at the source: too damn realistic.
jbarro Pilate or pirate, we report, you decide.
Phil_Lewis_ He what
I had to double check this was the onion and not the real news! 😂
Y'all out of pocket.
Give us Barabbas.
“He pulled out a gun on Fifth Ave and just shot him... no one did anything.”
🤣🤣🤣
You just know this will be next week's real headlines.
DorkDanse
Danger, Will Robinson...we are approaching a steep cliff!!
taciturasa I would just straight-up believe that!
The Onion says the Jews murdered Jesus.
AlmaMaderoB Is he Roman? Thoughta' he'd be a jerk mostly.
jessstheblessed Lol
cstross States they should like him because his hair swirl is almost the shape of a yarmulke.
aterkel
Elise_Jordan Ok, I’m laughing, but thats not funny.
cstross Are you sure you are still a parody account
- Middle Eastern Man who spoke out against unfair power structures and encouraged rebellion Yeah no that checks out
When the onion is closes to the truth than fox news
Nah, It was the Clintons.
'Murder is a powerful word, a strong word, I would say 'rectify''.
Where's your typical sarcasm?
Not cool
You know its bad when a clearly satire site says something That's not far from what was said in reality
The Book of the Second Messiah After denying ever knowing Trump, three times, Pence is sworn in as new President.
Trump: “The guy had it coming! He was unemployed. How could he have been unemployed in that economy? And look at the hair. He was anarchist, probably in ANTIFA! I’d like to see his birth certificate too! My sources say he was born in Syria! Secret Muslim!!!”
HOLY SHIT ONION STOP IM GUNNA PISS MY PANTS 😂😂😂
And after that the media would blame Russia!
This is barely satire anymore. Y'all better step up your game in this shitshow.
This might be your best work to date.
Bro_Im_Slow xD
'.....well, not me PERSONALLY. I have this really, REALLY good comrade, er, friend.'
😂😂😂
Jesus Christ
Chris who?
That's like comparing Bitcoin to Shitcoins.
Christ was here to die for our sins. Suppose he’d been let off with a 600 denarius fine and time served. No death no salvation and humanity is fucked for eternity. So Trump would be doing what god ordained. 😇
This 100% sounds like something he’d do too
Today was the day Donald Trump finally became King of Judea.
LOL oh my goodness
I'm guessing he opened mouth and inserted both feet in his hate spewing mouth. Seems he forgot his Christian supporters?
This is not as far fetched as you think. He is capable of saying anything. Even things the Onion would never dream of.
Most days after 10 AM
Headline: Reader misses when The Onion's headlines were transmitted from parallel Earths
Wow! Onion going hardcore!
Area Italian gloats with glee. See!
I needed this!
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