Tips For Being An Unarmed Black Teen

📆 2/25/2020 8:04 PM
📰 TheOnion

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With riots raging in Ferguson, MO following the shooting death by police of an unarmed African-American youth, the nation has turned its eyes toward social injustice and the continuing crisis of race relations. Here are The Onion’s tips for being an unarmed black teen in America:

Avoid swaggering or any other confident behavior that suggests you are not completely subjugated.

Be sure not to pick up any object that could be perceived by a police officer as a firearm, such as a cell phone, a food item, or nothing. Explain in clear and logical terms that you do not enjoy being shot, and would prefer that it not happen. Don’t let society stereotype you as a petty criminal. Remember that you can be seen as so much more, from an armed robbery suspect, to a rape suspect, to a murder suspect.Avoid wearing clothing associated with the gang lifestyle, such as shirts and pants.

Revel in the fact that by simply existing, you exert a threatening presence over the nation’s police force.Advertisement

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You're black, what are the cops supposed to do? Their jobs? Get out of here. Sarcasm btw.

there’s always one

Avoid Making Friends With Other Teens Who ARE Armed.

'Don’t let society stereotype you as a petty criminal. Remember that you can be seen as so much more, from an armed robbery suspect, to a rape suspect, to a murder suspect.' LMFAO!

Bug on the po-po and try to catch a case

Start by showing some respect they show up when your at your worst

From Chris Rock’s “How Not to Get Your Ass Kicked by the Police.”

Aged like wine

Watch early talking pictures and imitate Steppin Fetchit and Mantan Morland. Make sure to be playing and old, worn, banjo. Also learn all Stephen Foster Songs.

Okay

Bruhhh

This is going to bait some people so hard. Especially the woke ones... 🍿

Good afternoon, officer.

oh no, why is this getting RTed, what terrible crimes against humanity have I missed this time

'or nothing.' 😭

Y'all gonna have to update this if Bloomberg gets in Tip 1: Don't be any form of minority Tip 2: Try not to die too loudly, Bloomberg's brotherhood* are trying to sleep *he claimed NYC was his brotherhood despite overpolicing and attacking minorities, and the NYPD his army

Damn

Step 1. don’t be black

Comedy is truth and pain over time, folks. And good comedy makes you think.

Or they can just not be a teenager like I'm doing right now. Problem, nearly, fully solved.

tip 1) don't. that's it. that's all the tips.

Don't be unarmed

Cops solution: “Just don’t be black or a teen”

'Be sure not to pick up any object that could be perceived by a police officer as a firearm, such as a cell phone, a food item, or nothing.'

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