Vol 56 Issue 22, Donald Trump, Protest

Vol 56 Issue 22, Donald Trump

‘This Face Will Be The Last Thing You See Before You Die,’ Says Trump In Healing Address To Nation

‘This Face Will Be The Last Thing You See Before You Die,’ Says Trump In Healing Address To Nation

6/3/2020 10:28:00 PM

‘This Face Will Be The Last Thing You See Before You Die,’ Says Trump In Healing Address To Nation

WASHINGTON—In a powerful effort to bring unity to a fractured populace, President Donald Trump delivered a healing address to citizens Wednesday that his face would be the last thing they see before they die. “My fellow Americans, in this time of great distress, I urge you to look at my face and understand that it will be the only thing that fills your mind in your final, loneliest hour,” said Trump in a soaring 3-minute speech in which he echoed Robert F. Kennedy’s address after the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. by urging the deeply wounded nation to recall that no matter their race or creed, they will ultimately all pass away with the memory of his wrinkled, grinning visage at the forefront of their mind. “You will die, and the last thing you think of will be not loved ones or friends, but me, Donald J. Trump. That’s because I own your thoughts. Thank you. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.” At press time, Trump reached across partisan lines to heal the divided nation by adding to reporters that some specific Americans would be seeing his face far sooner than others.\n

WASHINGTON—In a powerful effort to bring unity to a fractured populace, President Donald Trump delivered a healing address to citizens Wednesday that his face would be the last thing they see before they die. “My fellow Americans, in this time of great distress, I urge you to look at my face and understand that it will be the only thing that fills your mind in your final, loneliest hour,” said Trump in a soaring 3-minute speech in which he echoed Robert F. Kennedy’s address after the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. by urging the deeply wounded nation to recall that no matter their race or creed, they will ultimately all pass away with the memory of his wrinkled, grinning visage at the forefront of their mind. “You will die, and the last thing you think of will be not loved ones or friends, but me, Donald J. Trump. That’s because I own your thoughts. Thank you. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.” At press time, Trump reached across partisan lines to heal the divided nation by adding to reporters that some specific Americans would be seeing his face far sooner than others.

FDA commissioner refuses to defend Trump claim that 99% of Covid-19 cases are 'harmless' Epstein's alleged accomplice pictured posing on British throne with Kevin Spacey Celebrity patriots to celebrate this Fourth of July Read more: The Onion »

In our darkest hearts. So evolve Corona to the cures of all earths lands. I'm missing my soul mate yet again. I'll be listening to physcostick in my heaven never again. So all good beats sick the bad ones greedy control freaks.. sick em ronnie I dare you all! Nope rock on! Wouldnt be surprised if he actually said that tbh

Once the revolution kicks off, my face will be the last one many will see. I'll wager I can kill more libtard lobotomized leftist than Trump. Somebody get me Vegas odds on this. I love scrolling though quote rts and laughing at idiots but still fuck trump “Some are calling it my death mask! I like that”.

Now that is a threat! _s_hari As always, this is meant to be satire but, of late, the satire has been hitting was too close to home scottmccloud Too scary That’s it I’m moving to Canada Perfect size for Putin. shanselman Kann den mal bitte jemand einweisen?!! Falls bis jetzt noch Zweifel bestanden haben.

FAKE NEWS! We are beginning to think that this “news site” is not real and is giving all legitimate news sites, like Rear Clear Politico, a bad name! FakeNewsMedia FakeNewsAlert Is this supposed to be encouraging for people lying in ICU with ventilators? Uh, NO! johncusack See the pose of his face? Thats how he prepares for Putin...

Wbk Who is going to tell the whole comment section? Come now. It's not his face. It's a combination of bronzer & orange base makeup. That could just as easily apply to Nicole Kidman. Dizney is in the making of an adult movie on his privates life, insideher report and his side of Politic Perks entitled : ' The Lady and Don Trump ' ~ Jo

This was my favorite part of his speech johncusack That is such a horrifying thought! PaulSzoldra johncusack B o o o o o o m Are you planning to return to satire post-pandemic? Lol, look what I wrote :) Sadly, this doesn't even seem that far fetched. 🤦‍♂️ johncusack If I have to look at that face, death may be preferred

Asswipe we will vote you all out johncusack He’s killing innocent citizens and destroying families because of his ignorance towards COVID-19. Where’s the chill? It’s better than this face from last night 0x72616e646f What a hideous thought. Making death great again Oh come on. That's just cruel. johncusack This old man is craaaazyyyyyy!!!

Spread the CancelTrumpSong ! I MUST BE IN HELL THEN!! WhiteHouse realDonaldTrump Bad enough we have to see trump’s fu face when we’re healthy. Now we have to see it when we’re checking out. God save us. If corona virus had a face. My sister was murdered at 12! Our family has yet to get justice, 23 years later!

Then I'll die, and as a disgruntled ghost, I will hunted him and his family, wherever they are. Like seriously.👻👻👹👺 Thank you, Mr. President! On days like these I look to The Bible for comfort. Ezekiel 16:17 especially comes to mind: “You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them”

LOL LOL LOL Yes, Yes it will........ Haven’t we been through enough hell with trump. Now we have to see his face even in death True if you are going to hell. trump is the devil’s doorman. johncusack I can hear this. realDonaldTrump Cover your eyes! 🤣🤣🤣 thanks! I hate this ‘There is no safe word’ Wait did this really happen?

I thought this was the last thing you saw before you died JUSTICE IS NEEDED JUSTICE WILL HAPPEN. 46 Weeks of resistance against Brutal Police in the memory of 46 years of Floyd life. unitedwestand Well I'm certainly scared to get sick now. “Thank you, Mr. President, please keep choking me.” Sean Hannity

God bless u the onion news network 🙏 you wonderful people put out real news ShakingStick Best not be. john_sipher JoeTheCop john_sipher Then we're all going to Hell. TheOnion will be one of my go-to sites. Parody is what is needed in this angry Twitter world. My incentive for living forever, never gonna die!

trumpsterfirebunkerbabytrumpbag As he dispenses the tear gas Isn’t the irony that this is our truth? I think Jane Austen said that irony is the joining of 2 truths. Goliath reference .... nice. theothermarkzuc “You will die, and the last thing you think of will be not loved ones or friends, but me, Donald J. Trump. That’s because I own your thoughts. Thank you. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.” He doesn't own his own thoughts, but im sure he'll pay for them!

TRUMP is in Need of Psychological EVALUATION as he's Melting Down, whilst his Advisers Needs a Brain TRANSPLANT ! POGTRUMP Donald Trump really said DeathToAmerica Then I would die happy looking at the face of our strong, smart, handsome, and fearless leader. StubbornChrissy Lol Can someone explain to me why this is considered clever? I feel like I’ve heard this joke 10,000 times already

Come on, everyone knows that The Onion switched from satire news to factual news since 2015. I mean he is acting like he’s some sort of religious prophet so I wouldn’t be surprised if he said that honestly. abrahamjoseph I liked you better when you were sarcasm. I swear all the comments on this are “i THoUgHT tHiS Was REaL nEWS” like come on that’s not even funny

what, wait what? Delusions of Grandeur. Welp it’s probably time to change your name to “NOT The Onion”... I see that you've moved beyond the satirical stage of your development..... Onions reek of foul odors, so it’s no surprise you’re spreading fake, distorted news and perpetuating hate. LiberalismIsTheRealPandemic

Maybe so, but they tagged his narcissism perfectly. Nope, I'm going to outlive dRumpf and shit on his grave. The jokes about no longer being satire are old, they’ve been reporting real news for a while now, we can stop pointing it out. OMG 0x00string YourAnonNews $100.00 for I'll kill myself first Alex. I don't watch him on TV period let alone the last thing I see... I just can't, ewww.

Where is the video of this I need to see it I thought this was a satire page, not a real news source THIS IS REAL NEWS 🤣 OMG! This is real news & I fear it will come true. 😢 Nope, this will... THE ZUCKERTRUMP! If only this were true! realDonaldTrump is too cowardly to use live ammo on innocent rioters! Getting a nytimes vibe here

This actually happened. The sad thing is this is exactly what he’d say to the point none of us can tell if this is a joke or not 😬 I am here for fake news. Why are you reporting this? Too real. I know dudes in MAGA country that would autoerotic asphyxiate to this speech if he made it. Then just kill me now, I hate suffering.

JeffGrubb How can he successfully give a healing address when no one in their right mind believes he gives a shit about other people? He also changed his title to 'Fuhrer.' Did he actually say this? I know people joke how onion reports real news but honestly, did he really say this? Not that anything he says is surprising anymore

What the fuck is wrong with this ape? Dude You guys Gunna shut down due to reality being way more fucked then to jokes.. Or start doing wholesome tales as thats now satire ImAmberHahn Giving em the O face. Oh, oh, oh. Get it? ohhh OfficeSpace Wait, this is parody isn’t it? I’m beginning to not be so sure anymore...

Aaah good old Voldemort and his red slits for eyes. I love the !!! hilarious Did you know that 40% of cops are putting down their weapons and taking off their riot gear in solidarity with the protest? Don't believe me? Google '40% of cops' No thanks. i thought the onion was satire not actual news

Tiffany Trump Becomes The Only Trump To Post For Blackout TuesdayMeanwhile, her father calls for the National Guard to descend upon protesters. I didn't post too Why it sounds like Lannister family ? She read Romanovs history. Probably the only smart one in the bunch.

Tiffany Trump Becomes The Only Trump To Post For Blackout TuesdayTiffany Trump has posted on Instagram for Blackout Tuesday, becoming the only Trump to do so by iamsternlicht iamsternlicht She's still trying. iamsternlicht CRINGEEEE iamsternlicht Who?

Snap Will Stop Promoting Trump In Its Discover Feed, Doubling Down On Anti-Trump StanceSnap won’t promote President Trump’s Snapchat account in its Discover feed, one of the main areas of its app, a decision that further underlines Snap’s push back against Trump by abebrown716 That's the funniest thing I have read today! abebrown716 no one is obliged to give hatemongers a platform, let alone promotion. abebrown716 I'll allow it.

Chinese state media tells Donald Trump to not 'hide behind' Secret Service amid George Floyd protestsOne communist party mouthpiece said witnessing protests across America felt like 'retribution' for the U.S. backing of Hong Kong demonstrations. Trump's reaction protestors outside the white house Führerbunker TrumpisaRacistThug

Donald Trump Vows To Crack Down On ProtestsBREAKING: As the president spoke, police deployed tear gas and flash-bangs against protesters outside the White House demanding justice for George Floyd. Commanding Generals and leadership need to resign before allowing the US Military to kill US Civilians. This is not a combat mission. Do not allow military power on the streets of America PFPAOfficial USArmy USMC USNavy jointchiefhms usairforce bbc Freedom to protest everybody. USA! He is doing a great job

Donald Trump Threatens to Mobilize 'Heavily Armed' Military Force in Response to Nationwide Protesters'I am your president of law and order and an ally to peaceful protesters,' President Donald Trump said in a White House Rose Garden address My fellow Americans - My first and highest duty as President is to defend our great Country and the American People. I swore an oath to uphold the laws of our Nation -- and that is exactly what I will do… Such a wasteful person & hypocrite 🙄🙄 among other things Racist president enforces his power to support racist people against