Vol 57 Issue 1

Vol 57 Issue 1

‘This Apology Is Bullshit And I Am Lying To You,’ Says GOP Senator To Widespread Media Praise

‘This Apology Is Bullshit And I Am Lying To You,’ Says GOP Senator To Widespread Media Praise

1/8/2021 2:35:00 AM

‘This Apology Is Bullshit And I Am Lying To You,’ Says GOP Senator To Widespread Media Praise

WASHINGTON—In a speech addressing the rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol the previous day, GOP Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) released a statement to widespread media praise Thursday saying “this apology is bullshit and I am lying to you.” “Nothing—and I repeat, nothing—I’m saying about the violent attack on Washington is an accurate representation of how I really feel,” said Graham in a video lauded by anchors across CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News for being “powerful” and “healing,” before adding that the expressions of anger and sadness that his facial expression implied were also entirely false. “As a longtime senator from South Carolina, I walk a delicate political tightrope that requires me to act with a certain amount of decorum, even when I don’t want to. That’s what this is. When some big event like this one seems to threaten our democracy, I get pressured into saving face, and so I do the convenient thing and say whatever horseshit about democracy gets people off my back. But let’s be completely clear, I am still the same person, and soon enough my actions will speak for themselves.” At press time, Graham confirmed that his speech had led to him being offered a position in Biden’s cabinet. \n

Lindsey Graham(R-SC)released a statement to widespread media praise Thursday saying “this apology is bullshit and I am lying to you.” “Nothing—and I repeat,nothing—I’m saying about the violent attack on Washington is an accurate representation of how I really feel,” said Graham in a video lauded by anchors across CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News for being “powerful” and “healing,” before adding that the expressions of anger and sadness that his facial expression implied were also entirely false. “As a longtime senator from South Carolina, I walk a delicate political tightrope that requires me to act with a certain amount of decorum, even when I don’t want to. That’s what this is. When some big event like this one seems to threaten our democracy, I get pressured into saving face, and so I do the convenient thing and say whatever horseshit about democracy gets people off my back. But

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let’s be completely clear, I am still the same person, and soon enough my actions will speak for themselves.” At press time, Graham confirmed that his speech had led to him being offered a position in Biden’s cabinet. Read more: The Onion »

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MeetThePress satire is dead robdelaney as a good Liberal, I must redeem him since he said something that I slightly agree with Post Trump, it's now GOPT And he’s Gumby, dammit! Their cooked. The sewer will now be drained. Lindsay doing his flip flop again and again and again. Scott_Wegna Onion sure is different since they stopped publishing parody articles.

AMiceMarina That jerk was my Senator for 5 years or more until I left SC in 2011. I emailed him during most of the time I lived there about the w administration to no avail. I should never have moved into an area with Storm Thurmond’s name on a huge lake! J_Pritchett mindmeld_me Lindsey Graham trying to transform himself from four years of being one of the rats into Very image of an outraged patriotic American. After all the hate you’ve supported are you really such a coward you won’t even stand up for what you did. We’re not buying “your” act.

The Onion is now a mind-reader Not pictured: senrobportman MonicaLewinsky Oh good, it’s just I thought for a moment that Hell had frozen over. tomellis17 care to comment? I actually think The Onion is one of the original “never misses” America is liable to elect this guy to president in 2024, and we all know it ...

Liar.....thats all the words your worth MonicaLewinsky When The Onion has more accurate headlines than the 'serious media.' BanishedBernie It saddens me that we live in a world where the onion is the most honest news source. Second war in Iraq showed for no reason anybody so far has figured out show US government was controlled by gangsters and lunatics and ya the bankers. Oh ya on a clear day the sky is blue.

GOPCOMPLICIT GOPDONTGIVEAF0CK GOPZOMBIES4TRUMP LindseyGrahamSC then went off with 'Maybe I'm not 'The Norm' ' LindseyGrahamSC senatemajldr GOPLeader this you? Hey, I subscribed to the Onion for fake news, not real reporting! HannahArendt warned about this in TheOriginsOfTotalitarianism. We shouldn't be surprised by the BigLie now.

Logan Paul be like Wait... Thought the onion was Satire... Did you guys go legit? Can’t tell anymore stop it!! There was a time when you were funny. I hope you find your way back. Nash076 Wait... I thought this was parody. In the wisdom of many life-long criminals with half-a-brain, members of the GOP today announced 'Oh F* no, I'm not getting involved in that - I'm just here for the white-collar crimes.'

VainVaiheArt This publication is meant to be satirical, not truthful. Damn strait. Finally, an honest liar. Gotta love The Onion. Oh LindseyGrahamSC ! You can be entertaining and still completely full of sh*t. JamesTreakle I thought the Onion was supposed to be satire seasonthing Such a hypocrite The shift in tone is inspiring

JamesTreakle This isn't even satire. That's what happened. JimSterling I thought this was suppose to be satirical? Make jokes, not actual news! SteveKerr Lol the Onion. RabbiShaina 🤣😂🤣 Best grade undetectable counterfeit bank notes at. eurobills fakemoney poundssterling dollar. Wickr ID:.globalbanks. whatsapp +380 97 564 2315

BrianWFoster I know this is the onion but damn if it isn't the actual truth this time around. Philip_Germain I needed a laugh !!thanks!! That last line. Wait, wait, wait Onion. Your supposed to be satiric, humorous and not even remotely truthful. You really failed on that last part. the onion not pulling punches any more

pattonoswalt I can't even begin to fathom how hard your jobs have been over the last year. MonicaLewinsky Would you buy used car from this man? JordanUhl So brave 🇺🇸 absinthe Praise from who? This isnt even satire at this point alice_radley 😂 edroso Lindsey always knows just how to most effectively cover his ass. It’s called pragmatism right postandcourier

🖕 slime ball LindseyGrahamSC. robdelaney Hes always drunk Thumbs up, Onion! pattonoswalt Same speal he gives his boyfriend when he's busted w a young male prostitute 😂😂 MonicaLewinsky He is also Drunk... I've said it before, I'll say it again, even a stopped clock is right twice a day. MonicaLewinsky I thought you guys were satire? Stop reporting facts!

mookiealexander Oh Onion. You started out as satirical and ended up as the ultimate bullshit detector. pattonoswalt “So much for Trump having the judges in his pocket.” Something Graham actually said. Praise yes,surprise no. Media does not follow suit pattonoswalt I don't even know if this could be considered satire, in all honesty, but I realize y'all have a hard job these days. It's tough to be more absurd than reality.

You guys have started sticking to facts, i see🤔 This, is art. 👏👏👏 Need my money back Onion, this is supposed to be satire. 'My name is Lady G and I approved this all too true joke.' too real lolololololol josh_um_clark Trump enabler BC_Bryson Truer words haven’t been spoken!! Lady Graham can bugger off!!

pattonoswalt You know it is over when is like 'fuck it, time to be a real news source'. The line between satire and reality is far too narrow. pattonoswalt Well, you guys will find out how many politicians will say 'If only we knew. We never knew about anything. Believe me'. Like the Germans after WWII ...

pattonoswalt Hey DanaBashCNN MonicaLewinsky Dude was drunk. If he were at a bar and I was a bartender, I wouldn’t serve this man. It’d be a liability. Take his keys! pattonoswalt Retweet this until Jack removes trumps account jack cancel trumps account! Do the right thing! deletehisaccount DeleteTrumpsTwitter BanTrumpSaveDemocracy impeachtrumptonight 25thAmendmentTrumpNOW LockHimUpNow 25AmendmentNow Sack up jack

Where's the satire? pattonoswalt Is the satire the fact that this is what he really meant to say? robdelaney Also being congratulated for his “change of tone” calkel1961 Drunken Uncle retracts his wedding toast. DennisPerkins5 It I want toknow what Lindsey was drunk on. Ever since I remember picking up the weekly at newstands in Milwaukee in the 90s, they have always pumped out precious gems like this one.

You’re not supposed to report REAL news. LindseyGrahamSC like HawleyMO the Onion is your best press this week I fell for it. I've been so caught up in this shit that I didn't even look at who tweeted it until I tried to watch the video lol. D.C. looks like Calaveras County. The toads are jumping as far as possible. (Yes, I know it's frog but France out jumped us long and merry ago.)

There really should be an investigation into his winning the election. He is one of the most hated politicians out there. For one to have to beg for donations on TV and still win says enough to back my claim. Nope. Saw right thru it. He suxs I thinks that's on both sides. But you do you boo davidsirota If any media cheered Lindsey acting like he had some sort of epiphany about his relationship with trump please call them out.

delete your account 'At press time, Graham confirmed that his speech had led to him being offered a position in Biden’s cabinet.' Fucking priceless. “Time for a return to normalcy,” declares Senator while getting American flag tattooed on face. Let’s hope you guys don’t run with this joke 03MetalWorks Dave Mustaine there?

“If only I was privy to the same amount of insider trading info that my colleagues are, I would pretend to be even more contrite!,” he continued, feigning a tear. That about sums it up I like this one because it highlights how low the bar has gotten during these years. When did we decided it was acceptable for politicians to behave this way? Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

It's Lindsey Graham so yeah about right Just last week he was golfing with insurrection '... unquote ' Since this is The Onion, I have to believe that this is *not* a direct quote. But I distinctly recall hearing similar words come out of this mouth.