Soon impulsive decision making began to make an impact. I no longer wanted to be in the Oxbridge group in 6th Form, in there to apply for medicine. I had had a couple of lead roles in school musicals, so I decided on a whim I wanted to be a professional actor.
Meanwhile, increasing damage to my self-esteem from my life choices and daily difficulties was starting to eat away and affect my mental health. This was despite knowing that, when I was “on it,” I was highly creative, with a brain that could “do a month’s work in a day” according to an old business contact. Full of ideas, energetic and apparently likable. But I didn’t like myself.I was a fraud, a phony.
Yet, at the same time, I could be half writing a novel, thinking of five different business innovations, dreaming up an idealistic political policy to save the world. But these TV channels in my head would change without my permission, all the screens in view at the same time. Exhausting.
My diagnoses at age 43 felt like i had lived in the dark for 43 years and somebody finally put the lights on.
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