RALEIGH, NC—Admitting that basic hygiene was something for which he was simply both mentally and physically unprepared, 16-year-old Langston Garcia confessed Wednesday to fearing that his girlfriend would pressure him into showering.
“I know we’ve been dating for a few months now, but just because she might want me to use shampoo, body soap, deodorant, and stuff doesn’t mean I’m ready to do so,” said the high school junior, adding that his girlfriend was one year older and evidently much more experienced when it came to physical hygiene. “Look, I respect women, and I respect her choices as far as bathing and smelling good, but I’m not 100% quite there yet.
That’s moms job
Unfortunately this is a thing.
nobody died of felt
OK I get it but calling me a teenage boy is unnecessary
Kelly LeBrock in 'Weird Science' - 'what would you little maniacs like to do first? ' Even that didn't work
“He ready...” is AP headline writing 101. You’re welcome, heathens.
Dont shower! The ladies really dont mind when I stay not shower covered in my natural juices and pheromones. I personally think I smell like corn chips but if I'm in the wild they would look at me like a fresh caught perch.
So true. So true.
This is awesome! being around him will make everybody wear a mask, weather they want it or not.
Could be a while
They ain't ready
TurmadaMonica Smudge spotted in the wild
It’s HIS body, you know? This is a big decision. What’ll the other guys say?
Before he’s ready for what? I’d be looking for a large oven is all I’m sayin’.
Fear not, young warrior, for it be the path to manhood.
During my camping days as a youngster, I would see the layers of filth coming out during shower and bid them goodbye. It sounds weird until you watch some Studio Ghibli.
The real oppressive relationship
reassure him that everyone outgrows smelling good. I now use barbecue sauce for deodorant and no one complains.
Soap is a conspiracy to teenage boys. So is toothpaste and brushing. Just a scam by corporate America to make us buy and use their BS. Also lazy.
Don't drop the soap 😒
He be spraying Axe
PREMARITAL SHOWER?
It’ll take him an hour to wash his Adam’s apple.
If she brings up showering, she gon have to leave 😤😠
Kid, be positive! Not the motivational one, the SARS_CoV_2 one... You'd be safe for at least couple of weeks... You are welcome!
before he cheats
With or without her?
Boi you definitely ready.
😂😂😂
the typo just adds a certain Jenny say qwah
And *shudder* put on deodorant. 😉
To all the people asking why it says “he” instead of “he’s”:
😂😂
He not ready
Using 'he ready' to appeal to the teenage boy demographic
I love why they are on a break now - A back brush?
I'm loving the responses from clueless shmucks who don't understand proper newspaper headline formatting
another eecs student
jokes on him cause I don't have a girlfriend
He be smelly
...but you need one because you're
“he ready” was a vernacular choice by the onion indicating its adoption by white teenagers.
he ready yet?
Who needs to shower, just spray axe over the BO
He be ready
why is it not 'he's'? is it a headline thing?
Before he ready
“GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT IT”
He’s missing a golden opportunity.
I know, right? My wife nags me about it every few days. It's maddening!
* He's
cant shower too early lest u lose some of those 'essential oils' 🤨
Wait what
Charlie Kirk has a girlfriend?
TV convinces boyfriend he does not girlfriend after using Axe body wash
Leave that bitch. If she can't handle disproportionate amounts of axe body spray, that's a her problem.
Just wait 'til she sees his basketball practice jersey & how it dries into a long spear between practices. Only then will she understand that odor is dominance. He'll still wimp out shower, though, if he knows what is good for him.
But he all about the bidet?
Feels like every 3rd onion article has people trying to correct it for using the passive voice in a headline
Don't cave dude.
The girlfriend needs to desensitize herself to the male funk. We use that funk to mark our territory.
What, she doesn't enjoy the aroma of hot pockets?
damn its me plus a girlfriend
I remember the boys in my hs social studies class joking about who among them had the smelliest nutsack and I was like oh for crying out loud just drop trou and smell each other
Grammar Nazis can't leave headline alone.
Samminish1 Sounds like he’s to damn childish to take responsibility for his own hygiene the girlfriend would do well to move on and let this guy wallow in his filth
Sorry, busymasterbating
Why does he look like a lesbian?
Before he *is ready. Jeez, you're the Onion, respect yourself!
This happens to me all the time
😂😂 I showered twice a day when I was a teenager. My girlfriend asked me “do you get dirty when you sleep?”
😂😂
Showers are great but I bet most people have never taken a bath like me
I have a dream, but ICantBreathe PoliceBrutality
Who is telling his girlfriend to shower
Me: *reads* What the...? *checks source* Oh, nevermind, adds up.
Ready for what? For dumpster diving? Then he does not need a shower
Waiting for people to think the onion is real...
Has The Onion forgotten how to speak English properly?
Afraid of some shower curtain foreplay? WednesdayWisdom WednesdayThoughts WedesdayFeeling
R/relationshipadvice
The Onion somehow manages to be simultaneously satire and a true story. It blows my mind.
Must play Smash.
PRESSURING HIM INTO SHOWERING BEFORE HE'S READY? ANYTHING BUT THAT
before he ready... c’mon onion!
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