Vol 57 Issue 1, Ted Cruz

Vol 57 Issue 1, Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz Makes Last Effort To Block Election Result By Unleashing Wave Of Locusts From Mouth To Black Out Sun

Ted Cruz Makes Last Effort To Block Election Result By Unleashing Wave Of Locusts From Mouth To Black Out Sun

1/6/2021 11:21:00 PM

Ted Cruz Makes Last Effort To Block Election Result By Unleashing Wave Of Locusts From Mouth To Black Out Sun

WASHINGTON—In a final attempt to prevent Joe Biden from assuming the presidency, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to overturn the results of the 2020 election Wednesday by unleashing a wave of locusts from his mouth to black out the sun. “We must do everything we can to stop Democrats from taking control of the White House,” the Texas Republican shouted as he unhinged his jaw to let hundreds of thousands of locusts emerge from his neck and fly in pestilential swarms over the National Mall, darkening the sky. “If Joe Biden is certified the winner of this election, it will be the end of the American republic as we know it. We must stop the steal. I call on all American patriots to submit to the will of my insectile servants and ensure Donald Trump retains his rightful place as president of the United States.” At press time, sources confirmed Cruz was on the Senate floor trying to convince colleagues to join him when his jowls transformed into a fleshy, pulsating egg sac and maggots poured forth from every orifice of his body.

Read more: The Onion »

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Ted Cruz needs to get out of Congress pennie_reese How do we know this didn't really happen? Cruz's peers claim it a vast improvement over what usually comes out of his mouth. Outrage to this tweet reads as cruz caping. 😂😂😂 The Senate Sedition Caucus: Ted Cruz (TX) Josh Hawley (MO) Cindy Hyde-Smith (MS) John Kennedy (LA) Roger Marshall (KS) Tommy Tuberville (AL) They should not be assigned to a committee.

A welcome change of pace as they (along with most of his talking) usually come from his ass. Cool The onion has been fire tonight 🔥 People are saying that this was poorly timed. Well I say that satire in the face of tyranny is needed now more than ever. Please take a day off. You cannot top reality today.