UVALDE, TX—In an expression of gratitude for keeping the community’s beloved stretch of asphalt safe, tearful Uvalde residents thanked law enforcement Thursday for protecting Robb Elementary School’s parking lot from a gunman.
“To the brave officers who heroically stood outside the school to defend this pavement against attack, we offer our undying thanks,” said Uvalde native Jim Clabor, his eyes welling up with emotion as he recalled the innocent Toyotas and Fords whose bodies might have been struck by gunfire if not for the courageous actions of police.
Congratulations for going as far as you did, but you missed an opportunity to have the residents tearfully thank the police for bravely tasing and cuffing the parents in the parking lot.
Tears were not for thanking police. They were for children lost.
ImaSadTire1 ...and thank you Democrats and CNN for making it happen.
'Please send the police'. Little did she know, they were right outside the door! So sad. So pathetic. I feel for the families and friends.
Bad form, this is nothing to joke about. Those kids were very scared then they were killed. You owe everyone an apology!
Those children and teachers knew what they signed up for. GregAbbott Uvalde gregabbott_tx
LawyerCat_ Ouch!!! Incisive.
Too soon?
I'm betting Texasshole Thin Blue-Lined PigPhux dropped their children off to play rectum roulette at Uvalde churches & rectories today.
three_cube Wait what? I don’t get this. Screw the parking lot. Go Inside!!!
0xChain people forget how important parking lots are!
Way to fucking soon but damn
Not appropriate
Not when 19 children and 2 adults dead . Disgusted
Remind me to never piss The Onion off
Shame on you
JustaCoinToss Well, they did just repave it...
I thought you guys were satirical. This is just straight-up journalism. 😮
This isn't even satire this is just a factual report.
Parking lots matter...right?
atheist_dummy
This is what they meant by Stand Your Ground.
too effin soon
That's messed up. You guys took it a little far with that one.
GaveJesse perhaps we should write for the onion? hypocrisygo
A little too on the nose, Onion.
Yep, great property protectors, protecting children, not so much
Where the P in SWAT? The one that stands for pussies.
Your headline should read 'Tearful Uvalde Residents Thank Police For Protecting Gunman's 2nd Amendment Rights'
If I’m on the same page as you, this reminds me of the police officer who was jailed bc he wouldn’t assist in stopping a mass shooter in progress. He too stayed in the parking lot & was later sent to jail for it.
Isn’t that the truth! 🤦🏼♀️
Such a way with words
Heartbreakingly accurate
People denouncing this article do not understand the seriousness of the moment or the definition of true, biting, satire.
Hahaha
The BRAVE Texas police waiting outside the school for an hour while the shooter killed 4th graders. This can only end with GOOD people with guns.
This is why I love the onion and Babylonian bee. Using comedy to point out actual problems
This is literally misinformation
Reported as false/misleading
How is anyone just able to enter a school ? Should have been locked those doors. SMH!
Governor Abbott thanked them too. 🙄
Jesus Christ, Onion... Those cops probably had families... Wives that they just needed to go home and rough up a little because of how hard they have it. Kids they need to scream at and slap around after drowning their sorrows instead of actually getting the help they need.
Popehat Too soon.
That burn's gonna need a skin graft.
Savage
Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!
Popehat AccidentalJournalism
Holy fuck, the Onion is coming out swinging with more conviction than any Republican.
AshleyRParker they would have ran away from that too if he came near it
Not cool. Not even a little. No room for satire in this situation. I am blocking the .
If we call the fire department do we expect them to tackle the fire?
Duuude… hard to chuckle there!
Fuck them up, Ms. Onion
They were also nice enough to hold down parents trying to run in the school to save their kids. 'Quit resisting sir! I dont think your non white kid is dead yet!'
KevinMKruse ParkingLotsMatter
Some lines should not be crossed.not funny. Have u ever been to a swat standoff or any type of hostile barricaded situation?
AshleyRParker Why do bars have parking lots
I was shocked at how much ICE was there continually and layers of police types in a 20,000 town. I can't think relationships are that cool.
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