Supposed Adult Pays Man To Sit In Room And Listen To Him Talk About His Feelings

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Reportedly going twice a week to his special safe place where he’s told he doesn’t have to be afraid, local accountant and supposedly grown adult Carl Rowley confirmed Wednesday that he pays a man to sit right next to him in a room and listen to him talk all about his feelings.

“It’s really helpful to talk through my issues out loud with someone who has an objective viewpoint,” said the feeble approximation of a mature self-respecting grownup, describing the hour-long sessions in which he nestles himself on a big comfy couch with a soft pillow and tells the nice man how he’s sad and lonely and wants everything to feel good again. “I think I’m making a lot of progress, especially around issues with my family.

Just imagine it's kinda like ONLYFANS ...In person,but no one asks to see your feet.

“I Remember when The Onion was funny.” “Sir, we were talking about your mother.”

Just yesterday, I made appointments with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Now I feel like I'm going to just go ahead and make up the wildest shit that I can imagine like how I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois. The baritone was this guy named Kip Diskin.

Man, put a trigger warning on these things. Y'all out here trying to have a lot of men over explain their feelings to you.

Mine even lets me rock and cry

Is the joke that therapy is a joke? I feel a little slow not picking up what's funny with this one.

We're making fun of people going to therapy? In 2023? Really? That's the group that desperately needs a li'l gentle mockery?

thank God for earplugs, 'cause they'd come in handy in this line of work

Crazy, right?

Best money I ever spent.

therapy with like emotional prostitution with the therapist providing 'adult services.'

Feelings?

therapy isn’t childish or immature this is a bad post

CountessGothica what's THAT like?

Based Onion.

real goo goo ga ga behavior

This one probably struck differently in 2014..

Therapy can be the 🐐 when depressed is the vibe tho. Fr fr

If he paid that to someone to work with him to express those issues sexually, that would have been a good deal.

Supposed being the operative word

This shrink session is not bussin

Thanks Obama!

Absolute madman

Area Man Pays $100 Per Hour To Be Told He's Mentally Deranged

jjjinvesting Wait we need this to happen

The Onion's best jokes are truly the one's that create mountains of salt in the replies.

Well, that settles it, no therapy for me

I would stake my life that everyone complaining about this article is a registered democrat

Oh, people are butthirt over this? It just got 3 times funnier!

Really some things are not funny.

Wow. The Onion is usually pretty good, but this is terrible.

Mmmhmm.…and how does that make you feel?

Don't mean to interrupt but I was promised a suppository.

I finally got to report my first tweet for harmful content!! Thank you 🙏🏻

This is shameful. It’s shaming people that seek help to handle grief, stress, mental illness and more in a time where the world is on fire all around us. This is exactly the kind of mocking that keeps people from seeking help they legitimately need.

Feelings? He transitioning or something?

Making fun of people seeking help is never funny.

Let's try satire that demolishes toxic masculinity rather than enforcing it, maybe? 🤷‍♀️

feeling feelings

Was this written by a Scientologist?

A shocking number of Onion followers don't understand comedy, irony or satire

Wow. Way to punch down and stigmatize men seeking mental health counselling.

Onion, what are you smoking.

There's potential comedy in talking to your shrink about your shrinkage!

on god like grow up

When men have the highest suicide rates, and consistently struggle to seek help, this just ain’t it, especially with suicides hitting a record high post pandemic.

Y’all were feeling yourselves a little too hard with this one.

Onion, most days I love you, but this one? You can...

A shrink or a delivery man?

this is quite bad

Y’all out here trying to be The B*bylon B*e?

Boooo 🍅🍅🍅

this ain't it

Mmm hmm. And how does that make you feel?

Supremely unhelpful

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