Study Finds Majority Of Times Either Too Early Or Too Late
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding new light on the nation’s inability to determine a suitable spot on the schedule, a new study published Monday by researchers at Harvard University found that a majority of times were either too early or too late. “After thorough research, we can state definitively that virtually all scheduled appointments or activities throughout the day occur at a time that is universally regarded as either excruciatingly early or, conversely, unbearably late,” said lead researcher Rory DeWitt, confirming that 8 a.m. was unacceptable because it happened too soon in the morning, whereas 4 p.m. was unbearable because it occurred far after a tolerable time period. “Basically, each day has a roughly 30-minute window between 11:45 a.m. and 12:15 p.m. that can be regarded as a generally acceptable time for a scheduled event to occur, though even that varies wildly depending on the participants involved and what they were doing the night before.” DeWitt added that, based on the results of the study, he would strongly recommend just never leaving your bedroom for any reason at all.Read more: The Onion »
Spain's Canary Islands curb smoking amid COVID-19 worries
The Canary Islands became Spain's second region to all but ban smoking in the streets on Thursday as part of measures to stop a resurgence of coronavirus infections, and other regions considered a similar ban.
It's like your reading my mind Rather come too fast that not at all. Hi, how do I get to write for this incredible organization? It’s a sign that your life simply doesn’t want you. Ooh Good idea. The onion should tweet something about being to early or to late. That would be really funny. There is a term that me and some friends came up with. We call it.... earlate.
Too soon. Even Time is a fence rider. Pick a side Time! Presently that statement is true! That is me, because I grew tired of changing my clocks twice a year. 😡 So I split the baby on the half hour. I love it! Story of my life This is the Onion I know and love! This warning came to late. Unless you hack twitter and post anti memes from your bunker in the Ukraine.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Thank God for The Onion. This right here You could have timed this better. A minute late, as always. Ugh, now it’s 6:05. I can’t clean the kitchen now. 7pm sounds good. Unless your name is Goldilocks no, i disagree Lmao yes I am too early to this tweet I need to get a life
Official U.S. coronavirus death toll is 'a substantial undercount' of actual tally, new Yale study findsConsidering all the non Covid deaths that were counted as Covid, I’m guessing the numbers are still wrong. More bullish stock news here
Study finds asteroid impact, not volcanoes, made the Earth uninhabitable for dinosaurs: 'Only plausible explanation'A new study found what happened to the Earth's dinosaurs. An asteroid strike blocking out the sun for years and causing permanent winters was cause. ATLAS : Astroid Detection “The Visibility Problem” 🦕 ❤️ Is everyone okay over there? Seems we're just hitting random buttons now.
Americans who stayed home before they were told to saved lives, study findsIndividual decisions to stay put in homes, except for necessary outings for food and medical supplies, likely helped slow the spread of coronavirus before state or local stay-at-home orders were implemented by government officials, according to a new study Wanna know what’s funny? More Republicans stayed home during that time than anybody. Until the mainstream media botched the crisis and costed our country over 100,000 deaths you’re welcome america
Demand for dexamethasone rises after study finds COVID-19 benefits, FDA data showsA steroid that was in shortage before the pandemic has gotten more scarce since researchers reported it can improve the survival rate of COVID-19 patients. Well if people are using it doesn’t that use the supply up? Like what so hard to realize? Hydroxychloriquine and zinc are excellent treatments and in excellent supply Has gotten more scarce Lovely English! Has become more scarce!!! Back to school!!
Study Finds It Would Be Extremely Satisfying To Have Intercourse With An A-List CelebrityBOULDER, CO—Providing groundbreaking new insight into human sexuality, a study published Thursday by researchers at the University of Colorado found that if a person were to engage in intercourse with an A-list celebrity, the experience would be extremely satisfying. “Over the course of our inquiry, we concluded that having intimate sexual relations with, for example, Rihanna, would result in a marked improvement in one’s general mood and overall sense of well-being,” said Professor Liza Mulbin, explaining that the euphoric effect that comes from sex with a top-tier celebrity one has seen on television or in films can likely be attributed to the fact that such individuals are very attractive, very famous, and very rich. “It would, in all likelihood, be the best feeling ever. Our analysis also shows that, given how often celebrities like Ryan Gosling, Selena Gomez, and the Hemsworth brothers have sex, they are probably incredible at it. In addition, a degree of status is conferred upon anyone who has sex with a major star, as they are forever known within their social group as the one who had sex with Drake or Kristen Stewart.” Mulbin added that even in the worst-case scenario, in which a person contracts an incurable STI from an A-list celebrity, the accompanying sexual gratification would still “totally be worth it.”\n Who are most of these people Or, indeed, a list of celebrities. You already had me at 'intercourse'.
Warming temperatures threaten hundreds of fish species the world relies on, study findsA new study of hundreds of fish species found that around 60% of those examined could face ocean temperatures that threaten their ability to reproduce in their current ranges by 2100. Love the warm water! 😀 nice reach people reach overfishing is A LOT WORST!