OXFORD, ENGLAND—Researchers from the University of Oxford published the results of a new study Tuesday that found falling to your knees and screaming toward the sky remained the best way of forsaking one’s god.
“According to our study, we found that subjects who shouted ‘Damn you!’ with their faces directed upward were able to best express that God had abandoned them and, in turn, that they would abandon God,” said Henry Bancroft, co-author of the study in the current issue of, adding that the method was narrowly trailed by rending one’s garment in the pouring rain.
“The results are especially effective when combined with shaking one’s fist and howling in agony. Watching the sand slip through one’s fingers as a metaphor of all that has been lost may also boost efficacy. This of course changes much of what we previously assumed about clutching the corpse of one’s only son.” At press time, Bancroft confirmed that getting blasted by a single bolt of lightning was still the best way of being smote by one’s god.
An hestonian moment
TheTweetOfGod wondering if this is true Seems like on your knees might be the only time you listen so just checking in …
I have read the Onion since my days in Madison, but recently the Babylon Bee is haven funnier and more inciteful with their satire. (But keep trying and I will keep reading).
*Seraphim of Sarov is an outlier and was not counted
This guy did it best but there were consequences
Coincidence
Also useful when you come to the realisation that it was Earth all along
Uggggggh!!!!!
how does tearing ones clothes and falling facedown rank? that's my old standby
Pulling your pants down in front of the Sunday school bus also works
Proceeded by lying on their back 😏
Or a bird pooped on them…
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