Study Finds American Women Delaying Motherhood Because The Whole Thing Blows

ANN ARBOR, MI—Having determined through empirical research that childrearing is bullshit and totally not worth it, a study published Friday by sociologists at the University of Michigan found that a growing number of American women are delaying motherhood because the whole thing blows.

“Even after children are old enough to take care of their basic bodily functions, our study found a parent still spends half her day either driving them somewhere, buying them stuff, or arguing with them about some unbelievably stupid, boring crap. Most women, it turns out, just don’t want to deal with that shit. According to the data, medical bills for pregnancy and childbirth alone run Americans at least five figures, and then of course they’re lucky if their income covers day-care costs.

True, true, true..!

I thought this was supposed to be satire?

Yes. And then be filled with regret when you enter your 50's and all of your friends are enjoying their grandchildren, and you are still looking for the perfect man.

Yeah more and more women see the movie Alien and just decide, NAH!

So we're all just going to pretend her nose dosent look like she could breathe underwater ?

hey rannee. Either she had 2 kids and ashley had one or visa versa

rannee? she has 2 kids. I dont though and that's the point. My aunt ditched her kids with a man that was physically and sexually abusing them for a man that was closet gay and a bitch boy of the military.

Narcissists are allergic

But then there's also the cute little shoes that the baby wears.

Agree

I think that's the husbands decision.

And I thought it was climate change.

Death cult

Babies come out of what Nope

I've wiped my own bottom far too many times to want to wipe anyone else's.

‘Turns out, I can think for myself and don’t need a Christian based society telling me what to do with my entire life. Quite refreshing!’

I approve of delaying motherhood by blowing 😊

As a vice president who is an expert in blows, I command all women to have abortions!

Men Delaying Fatherhood Because Motherhood Doesn’t Blow Enough

No mention of the immoral financial system controlled by.rothschild minions selling out American families futures

Just as much as her nose

Wrong. It's awesome. But it takes a toll.

you can pick your nose and you can pick your partner...so I am not seeing any other valid excuses.

It’s actually fairly sad and will lead to big economic problems in 50 years if it doesn’t change

This is actually not parody

The Onion is part of the establishment telling women not to start families. It's sad.

Accurate AF

Just outsource it like big business.

Enjoy staring at your empty wine glass and the walls when arthritis kicks in

Child-free is the way to be

What you people thought anything worthwhile came without sacrifice? That said, funny as shit I sent it to my wife.

Isn't that Teryl Rothery from about 30 years ago? Sadly, I know women with kids who don't hate the kids but hate the life.

Here come the momma bears..

It blows much less in many European countries that don't have to suffer a retrograde minority rule at the hands of a morally bankrupt party such as GOP. ProChild is ProLife ParentalLeave is ProLife UniversalPreschool is ProLife

Being a parent GENUINELY seems like the worth possible existence. Credit to those of you taken up the task, I'll enjoy my time, money, and freedom

You guys have gone too far. Your headlines are supposed to be satirical not actually reflect the sentiment of American women!

in b4 'being a mama' types get here

I was just looking back at some old onion headlines from 2017 and this one jumped out. I cannot believe we have not reached this point yet. More McDonald’s please.

shayna47 I agree.. Shit pay.. Shit time off.. Not enough social service , and then some.. Fuck all that . system is bogus.

Comment and reason,or solution, in one sentence.

Because immoral financial system middlemen shareholders foreign and domestic ruining capitalism tainting republic and undermining democracy

True story?

Women think they have it bad Try being a baby daddy!!!!

Why do it then?

Demonpuppy

Probably because of the stretching out of the vag.

Just because is difficult doesn't meant it 'blows'. Everything meaningful in life comes with difficulty

This is a dangerous mentality for humanity

When did the onion stop doing satire?

Related: Maybelline Unveils 'I'm So Fucking Tired I Just Can't Anymore' Makeup Line

...So where's the joke?

That just means they are selfish

Not for the Duggar family and their 4000 kids.

Blowing prevents pregnancy.

Yes the baby insurance scam of 2021 has slowly been figured out through years of divorce, miscarriages and abusive spouses

Good.

It's science

But if she blows, no pregnancy.

I suffer from premature withdrawal for the same reason.

They secretly know how terrible a smaller version of themselves would be

Premature ejaculation can be treated

Delaying PARENTHOOD

untrue

Also marriage.

I mean. Having a human exit you like you are leaving Starbucks is painful.

Related: Scientists Confirm If Childbirth Were Up To Men Human Race Would Be Extinct

Just get a dog.

If they do that, they can avoid motherhood.

Can confirm

Ha!

KarenGalvan 😂😂😂

I know this is satire, but people aren't having kids for two reasons: it's expensive and also our fertility is waning. Sperm count has been declining rapidly for years and will eventually be gone completely.

Na, JESUS IS COMING SOON

😁

This is a real article.

I thought this was a satire newspaper?

My thoughts exactly

Thought this was a satire publication?

Then they should more......

Well, yeah, in a patriarchy where they're still expected do everything they did before women's lib... I mean, what's the point? ;) What's humanity worth anyway? The future is on the blink. Better bring in the robot sex toy replicants so a woman get a good man doll for a change.

Lmao rexpostfacto or just not considering it at all

Who wants to put a kid in this toilet we have made of things?

Not delaying I'm not gonna be a part of that racket at all

Had 1. One night he told me'The wheel (Wheel of Fortune) is done spinning, time for my pajamas' and went to his room. It was at that moment I knew I was done having children. isucoachburner

Michael Cera ? Is that you ?

Sad but true. Let work all our lives to have nothing in the end.

I like money and free time. 👍

kids, ask your parents where babies come from

MindofSnaps

😆

I don't want to nit pick, but the blowing part is often what leads up - foretells, if you will - the creation of said child.

CrawliesWithCri Too, too true.

Get a goldfish instead

Def don't recommend delaying parenthood past the point where you can comfortably stay awake past 9:30

really it's the blowing that delays motherhood.

So they blow the baby out of there like it with an air compressor? I always wondered how the babies got out

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