"Imagine a life in which there's always a jamboree, it's always a sunny day, and no one ever troubles you for anything," said 46-year-old Cleveland native Charley Hale. "You never have to pay taxes, and all you really have to do is blow in a jug a few times, sing some dumb words, and happily smile away with your pretty animatronic girl bear at your side.
After interviewing thousands of participants, researchers learned that many people envied animatronic bears because they lack brains and are able to lead tranquil lives without ever experiencing doubt, sadness, or pain. The study also found that most people would rather have an animatronic bear's single, smiling facial expression, which seems to indicate constant happiness.
"Participants were very worried about larger human issues like injuries, illnesses, and aging, but also things like sweating too much, getting fat, smelling bad, and feeling sore," said Norris, adding that survey respondents liked the idea of being very soft like a bear. "In addition, most noted that if an animatronic bear did have a problem, a technician would repair it right away.
Common onion W
I too wish to be FNaF at Freddy's
sounds about right
yes
Can confirm
I wanna be cool like him
i hope you anticipated this respons
The onion slightly referencing FNAF! Middle school me is quaking! (I was insufferable)
Christopher Walken is the lone holdout.
Chris Chan energy
Me just bobbing up and down, having the time of my life
I'd prefer an otter, but fair enough
yes
Yes
YEEEEEEEES
I must be part of the 4% that would rather be a giant puppet bear.
Billy moment
Correct
I’m part of that 96% ngl
checks out
Freddy
The other 4% already are animatronics....💀
F Ffiv Five n Five nights Ffive five Njights at Fjve fred Nights at
This is definitely true for Tom_Bricker
had this one on my cube wall for years at the old office factory
Hahahaha..... Meh
*on cocaine
as long as i look like one of them
Have you SEEN the Country Bear Jamboree groupies?! 🤩🥵
The other four percent want to be the animatronic rabbit Right MetalClockwork
Right, and all the poignant fables about elves, mermaids, wooden puppets, and what-have-you yearning to become human are b.s.
i thought the onion was supposed to be satire?
I would trade 96% of people for animatronic bears.
I mean id rather be an otter at the zoo, but to each their own.
LikesZeb
Harr Harr HarrHarr Harr
i’d rather be the animatronic fox that’s going to marry YOUR dad
i would give up my left titty and eat fish the rest of my life for the chance to be an animatronic bear
I just played a game about this FNAF
i wanna play my silly little banjo and wear my funny little overalls and sing my goofy little songs. can i get an amen
Related: Study Reveals 96% Of Animatronic Bears Become Cocaine Bears Due To Lifestyle
Fact check: true
Life is just simpler.
itsginnydi Too much truth.
If your name is William Afton, please do not interact with this article 💀
no commute
noellllee
hoodratdiego
DsnYmaniac 👀 isthatyou
That's some real ole country rhythm right there.
Id just settle to making my living playing a jug.
True
Big Al my beloved
Nah, Ima be a ghost at the Haunted Mansion.
GabeLasagna
It's all I've ever wanted
🐻👍
Why is this on The Onion account? This isn't satirical
Yes.
PodcastTheRide phatcarlson this you?
its true
The impossible dream
HistoryWalt Not so much animatronic but more a cyborg bear for me
Saw that band live in 2005at a Chuckee Cheeze in Sacramento. They opened for The Grateful Dead
HistoryWalt I can confirm
i mean look at them
I'm definitely in that group
The majority of humans, given the dilemma, live forever or never be born, would choose the latter, and it is absolutely the rational decision. I say this knowing that I will be floating alone on a dead piece of rock forever.
Can confirm
There’s blood on the saddle
With Sunder & Keening we'll all be part of the Fuzzy Tower - Bearmidium
randaritter_
That number seems a little low...
JennyENicholson ?
This is why they fired the Rock-A-Fire Explosion back in the 1980s.
Only if I can do this. AND eat pizza.
PityOfPangos For once, the Onion is right!
I'm pretty sure they have a better dental plan than me, so yeah, sign me up.
Ain't that the truth!!
Rather be anything else rn
All I want to do is set fire to that bear.
magentatardis
Damn fam u right
Freddy Fazbear
stevezaragoza
I’m the one on the left
This is the ideal existence
☝️ THIS 🤣
Only if I can live in Disneyland.
Who was this study done by, everyone I know wants to be an animatronic shark.
Katvara Henry approves of this.
been saying this for a long time
How do we know we are not one ?
Truth
Cody_lee29 pmccarthyy
taryntheduck This is true iv asked them all and they agree
Facts
My beloved Country Bears. Gone but forgotten :’(
Not me
Further polling revealed 74 million Americans already are Robot Bears
Finally I can be a FNAF character n kill people 😁😁😁
I was not the bear, but I got to dress up as the bear. Two words: dry cleaning.
If I get to play bass, yes.
oh to be an animatronic country bear
cc: larissaboyack
yea
Only if I can be her! She’s cute as hell!
what about a mouse? jmurffff
12:00 AM · 2 мар. 2021 г.·Sprout Social 🚩
terrifying because it’s true, lookin at u fnaf fans
I'm assuming the other 4 percent want to play Dice Chess
Animatronic Bears have shorter lifespans so yes
I'm in the 96%
I feel seen
Need verification from PodcastTheRide
I'm ready for freddy
RETVRN
Meh. But I would totally live in that seaside animatronic town in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. (If it hasn't been reworked to Depp-th)
Heh heh heh...dumb, belchin' bears!
I assume that if the Country Bears were people, a few of them would have been cancelled for saying racist things.
Yes
I don’t want to BE an animatronic bear but I can’t say I’m not looking forward to the sex if we figure out a way to make that 96% happen.
Surprised it’s only 96%....
seems low
Most importantly, a Country Bear Jamboree 🐻
K10M311 🐻🐻🐻🐻🐻
What about those of us who would like to be an animatronic possum from Lester's Possum Park?
.|We’ve surpassed 10 million users! We decided to hold a special event! 10x first time , 20x second time Évery one gets a fair chance. - /www.muks-give.com\\
Maybe one of these bears:
Yes!
TomAmityCorless
Gotta admit- that bear looks really happy
43% already think they are....
beware nic cage though
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