Vol 56 Issue 47, Black Friday, Satan

Vol 56 Issue 47, Black Friday

Satan Offering Black Friday Deal To Trade Only 50% Of Soul For Lifetime Of Riches

Satan Offering Black Friday Deal To Trade Only 50% Of Soul For Lifetime Of Riches

11/27/2020 9:30:00 PM

Satan Offering Black Friday Deal To Trade Only 50% Of Soul For Lifetime Of Riches

NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that untold wealth could be yours for the “low, low price of half your immortal essence,” Satan , the Great Tempter and Prince of Darkness, announced this morning a Black Friday deal in which human beings could trade a mere 50% of their soul for a lifetime of riches. “If you’ve ever dreamed of being rich beyond your wildest imagination but didn’t want to give up your entire soul to do it, then I have a deal for you,” said the Father of Lies, speaking in hideous guttural tones as he explained that fortune, power, and influence had never been more affordable than they were right now to mortals who scrawled the promo code “MEPHISTOPHELES” in blood upon the door of their home. “Finally, it’s possible to become one of the wealthiest people on the planet while still retaining a small part of what makes you human. Act now before you end up poor and destitute! And don’t forget, I’m willing to match whatever offer God makes you. That’s a promise.” At press time, Satan had reportedly offered to throw in a free year of Apple TV+ with each qualifying purchase.

NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that untold wealth could be yours for the “low, low price of half your immortal essence,” Satan, the Great Tempter and Prince of Darkness, announced this morning a Black Friday deal in which human beings could trade a mere 50%

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of their soul for a lifetime of riches. “If you’ve ever dreamed of being rich beyond your wildest imagination but didn’t want to give up your entire soul to do it, then I have a deal for you,” said the Father of Lies, speaking in hideous guttural tones as he explained that fortune, power, and influence had never been more affordable than they were right now to mortals who scrawled the promo code “MEPHISTOPHELES” in blood upon the door of their home. “Finally, it’s possible to become one of the wealthiest people on the planet while still retaining a small part of what makes you human. Act now before you end up poor and destitute! And don’t forget, I’m willing to match whatever offer God makes you. That’s a promise.” At press time, Satan had reportedly offered to throw in a free year of Apple TV+ with each qualifying purchase.

Read more: The Onion »

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lol LOL 😂 😆 who on “The Onion” wrote this piece. This is hilarious I'll take it Boston_Grandpa Make it a PlayStation 5 and you have a deal. Damn.. I shouldn't have offered so sell my soul at 3am one night 15 years ago for some TacoBell. ProfBrianCox SWEET deals ahead. Sweeeeeet! Does it come with free gift wrapping?

Sounds legit!! 😂 So hows this gonna work, am I gonna be like Persephone or? gamestorygirl 🤣 This deal is INSANE!!!!! This is a really good deal s8nstan OMG THANK YOU :D s8nstan AnxietyFriesKim SOLD O L D Black Friday comment turns into political commentary. Like telling same stale joke 10 times a day. Make it 100 percent and you gotta deal.

I would deposit half of my soul at an attractive rate of interest Trump denied for lack of collateral. ProfBrianCox Such a good deal, tempting.... AnnetteYReed I'd like to speak to a manager Which half? Entire GOP already in line ProfBrianCox LOVE Gustave Doré! Faust is in full approval. Well since the government already owns 50% and I give the other 50% to Satan, will my hair turn red?

If only... I am down My man!!! He must have been in the red Wait you guys got souls? Free shipping? Trump’s going to be really pissed - he paid 125% YES Trump at tinydesk Sounds like a better deal then what realDonaldTrump and his administration got in the end. I'm in Unfortunately, Satan decided to make the deal 'online only' and it keeps selling out before real people can hit the check-out button. This is bullshit Satan! Update your website! It's not fair that BOTS (who don't even have souls) are the only ones getting this deal!

i'll take your entire stock No refunds 😉 At my age - a life-time isn't that long anymore.. Limited to your first eternal soul, no subsequent eternal souls and no substitutions. Hell of a deal! Some limitations apply. 'Lifetime' shall be understood as length of time customer continues to live after signing.

Hurry sale ends soon! Certain restrictions apply. I was about to use my code but then I saw 'free year of Apple TV+ with each qualifying purchase' - never! The Satan & Apple joint venture shall never own 50% of my soul! . . . . . . . ...although a Satan & Nintendo joint venture might. ProfBrianCox Renounce it!

Theres a lot of happy republicans today with this dsicount And for that reason I’m out Sign me up Big Box stores are choking out small business contractors like Satan and my aunt's catering business. Which half? ProfBrianCox I read this as Saturn offering black Friday deal and was very confused for a minute!

Ok, but I hear Satan’s return policy is a bitch. “Finally, it’s possible to become one of the wealthiest people on the planet while still retaining a small part of what makes you human.' At press time, Satan had reportedly offered to throw in a free year of Apple TV+ with each qualifying purchase. Which leaves them zero souls.

Waiting for his cyber Monday deal Cybermonday2020 Sounds desperate! tRump made his deal before there was such a thing as Black Friday. Faustian Bargain at half price? Sign me up 🤩 based satan Only if he throws in red hair. TheTweetOfGod Do you approve of this? But half of eternity is ... eternity. Damn! Tricked again!

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