‘Run! Dear God, Run!’ Screams Woman Who Forgot About Sourdough Starter As Doughy Tendril Wraps Around Throat

CHICAGO—Quickly grabbing for a kitchen knife as the warm, doughy tendril wrapped around her neck, local woman Keira Gardner urged her roommates to “run, dear God, run” Friday after the sourdough starter she forgot about burst from its mason jar.

“For Christ’s sake, I’ll hold it back, but get out of here while you still can,” said Gardener, as the rapidly expanding, 400-pound sourdough starter she began as a fun project three months ago emitted a terrifying high-pitched screech, picked her up, and repeatedly bashed her body against her own kitchen table, which immediately broke in half. “Seriously, it’s not working! The yeast is reacting in such a way that every time I hack off a tentacle, three more grow back in its place.

janaremy

I wanted to make my own sourdough, but when the recipe said 5 DAYS to make the starter!!!! I quit and found you can buy some at a local bakery. itsalive

I almost wake up every one in the house after I read this 😂😂

Clearly I've been watching too much Japanese hentai because that seems like a wasted opportunity for the tentacle 😁

Starter? more like Sourdough Finisher

I remember when The Onion was amusing.

No one escapes Gary Busey; The Gingerdead Man.

Speaking of, mine needs to be fed......

This is ACTUALLY scary 🤥

what the fuck

Lord ZuurDeegh has addressed his nation not to panic if dosages exceed daily limits. Stay inside.. keep on size and only crawl onto the floor if it cannot be avoided to grow excessively..

At a hunting camp on the Alaskan Peninsula, Mom discovered all our yeast was dead. (Closest source 90 air miles away.) No yeast, no bread. ☹️ Mom was undeterred. We’ll just have to catch some wild yeast. A bowl of warm water with a pinch of sugar and a bit of flour sat out

CreepypastaWiki

Wait what

Do you mean no bread for the rest of the family's dinner? How sad!

Oh god not this one again.

Yeast matters, right SeamusBlackley?

Political cartoon... SCOTUS represented by Doughy tendrils

Bonnetpilled TheEcho13

'Wife feels what it's like to be a husband.'

OH, THE HUMANITY!

This is how I wanna die.

I'm now reminded that I need to check my batch of Kombucha that's been sitting for almost 3 weeks... great.

Go on..

Thank gawd I killed mine.

plus rgb is dead

Sourdough is killer stuff.

Still not funny onion, gonna get me banned for calling out your shit attempts at humor? Onion staff is a bunch of thin skinned bitches.

Be afraid of your gut bacteria. Be very afraid.

sounds like an anime

i'm chewing on a napkin for dinner right now but i bet this will give some people nightmares

munkispunk

I thought this was a satire account not the real news

Saw this months ago, yall repost?

Fuck

Don’t be afraid,it’s only Dough Boy emendating from your fridge and needs a hug.

UrsulaV oh no it's Bob!!

i aint afraid o’ no doughs

mollywood Is this what you fear about feeding your good?

mollybaz this u?

Wtf honestly where do yall c ok me up with this shit.

Damn. '...emitted a terrifying high-pitched screech, picked her up, and repeatedly bashed her body against her own kitchen table...' That's alarming. This is why I don't make homemade sourdough bread!!!! Killer bread!

What's really disturbing is reporter that takes a picture of this and leaves without helping.

Someone's been reading UrsulaV 's 'A Wizard's Guide To Defensive Baking'

theAliceRoberts , hope you’re taking note of this.

Seriously ?

Leave it too long, you get a SOURDOUGH ENDER.

That’s what you get for using a recipe from the Necronomicon.

Until Velma throws water on it and saves the day.

jennafischer 😂😂😂

CatHussey

L_Chupacabra I may have to rethink starting mine!

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