Researchers Warn Of New Giant Covid-19 Variant Large Enough To Swallow Grown Man Whole

  • 📰 TheOnion
  • ⏱ Reading Time:
  • 19 sec. here
  • 2 min. at publisher
  • 📊 Qulity Score:
  • News: 11%
  • Publisher: 51%

ATLANTA—Urging Americans to reconsider their current precautions in light of the grim discovery, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention researchers warned Thursday of a new giant Covid-19 variant large enough to swallow a grown man whole. “This is a mammoth monster of a virus, big enough and strong enough to consume a full-sized adult male in one swift gulp,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, adding that the first confirmed victim of the A.7 SARS-CoV-2 variant was a man in El Paso, Texas of whom nothing was left but his shoes. “What we’ve got on our hands is a virus that stalks the shadows and can lift a grown adult in its two protein envelope jaws. It strikes at night, when the moon is just a sliver in the sky, and is transmitted through the air so fast that you’ll never even know what hit you. In an instant, its membrane will have wrapped around your throat, and everything will go black. We advise all Americans to maintain a wide berth from poorly lit areas, to not turn corners quickly, and if you hear a rustling sound behind you, our expert advice is to start saying your prayers.” The report recommended that anyone who believed they had come into contact with someone infected by this new Covid-19 variant should immediately drive as far as they could into a remote area and under no circumstances bring the massive, man-eating variant beast anywhere near a hospital.\n

United States Headlines News

United States Latest News, United States Headlines

ATLANTA—Urging Americans to reconsider their current precautions in light of the grim discovery, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention researchers warned Thursday of a new giant Covid-19 variant large enough to swallow a grown man whole. “This is a mammoth monster of a virus, big enough and strong enough to consume a full-sized adult male in one swift gulp,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, adding that the first confirmed victim of the A.

. “What we’ve got on our hands is a virus that stalks the shadows and can lift a grown adult in its two protein envelope jaws. It strikes at night, when the moon is just a sliver in the sky, and is transmitted through the air so fast that you’ll never even know what hit you. In an instant, its membrane will have wrapped around your throat, and everything will go black.

We have summarized this news so that you can read it quickly. If you are interested in the news, you can read the full text here. Read more:

 /  🏆 724. in US
 

Thank you for your comment. Your comment will be published after being reviewed.
Please try again later.

the next article gonna be why people are coughing out baby covids

Running in a blind panic through dense woods in high heels also helps evade the giant man-eating monster virus. Seriously though-get vaccinated you derps!!!

need steroids for this

FEEEED ME SEEEEYMOOORE

SSparklesDaily You should change your name to The Funion.

I thought the onion was satire

Can we pick the man?

Cells at work live adaption looks lit

Did this Covid evolve from this plant?

Texas variant

nature is truly resourceful

Jack Kirby already did it:

I seen it already on 'Doctor Who'. Old news.

Anybody else reminded of Langoliers?

Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.