Report: This Article Something To Look At For Few Minutes While Your Life Slips Away From You

📆 7/14/2020 5:08 PM
📰 TheOnion

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CHICAGO—According to a new report issued Tuesday, this article, the one you are currently reading, is a thing you can look at for a few minutes while your life slips away and you inch ever closer to oblivion. “By scrolling absentmindedly through this story, we can confirm you will be provided with a way to occupy yourself, however momentarily, in the time you have left before you inevitably die,” the report reads in part, going on to state that this article has been shown to provide an ephemeral distraction from the chaotic numbness of everyday existence as the ever-decreasing number of days, hours, minutes, and seconds left in your life ticks down to zero. “The purpose of this article is not to provide comfort, as comfort is a delusion born of idle desperation. No, like all things, it is merely one more noise drowning in the terrible cacophony of unmeaning that constitutes the world you so fleetingly inhabit. You can read this article 10 times or 100 times, it’s all the same. Because in the end, you have no control. You are merely a passive observer of the relentless chain of cause and effect that creates the arbitrary series of events you call your life.” At press time, an updated edition of the report confirmed you are dead.

Write Comment

I see is still an amazing news platform

Thanks, but, I have Netflix.

jokes on you the onion but reading your stuff is life fulfilling to me because I'm a huge loser ha got you there

Brutal lol

genuinely depressing and true. thank you

Oh no

change the last line from 'you are dead' to 'you are cake'

I just so happen to be reading this article on the same model of computer in a room seemingly exactly like that one under the same lighting conditions. Here's proof. What are the odds?

Wth am I gonna do with the rest of the day tho

Now this is relatable content.

Mood

I started to read your article, but then I drifted. So I actually got about 9 minutes out of it. Thanks !

Exactly what I was looking for

You guys really know your demo.

Is not life but a series of things to look at for a few minutes while your life slips away from you?

Reading The Onion is a suicide note for natural causes.

If you could *not* verbally kick me square in the dick, that would be great.

Oooof

funny we said the same thing to WSPPIS_OW when we told him to be the secretary and then bound his legs to the floor chains

Bang on the money as ever

THANKS I HATE IT

Thanks Onion! Just what I needed

Very meta with the article receding into itself on the laptop. 🤓

That happened twenty years ago

Too real, The Onion.

The distraction was worth clicking on the link.

This one cuts a little deep

Totally.

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