Report Suggests Stalin Was Just One Great Purge Away From Creating Communist Utopia

📆 12/6/2019 7:27 PM
📰 TheOnion

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BALTIMORE—Challenging decades of mainstream academic thought, a group of Johns Hopkins University researchers released a report Tuesday indicating that the late Soviet Union leader Joseph Stalin was only one great purge away from creating a communist utopia. “Our research demonstrates that if Stalin had shipped a mere 100,000 more people to Siberia, the whole communist experiment would have worked out perfectly,” said historian and report co-author Franklin Morrison, adding that all of the USSR’s corruption, hunger, and disease would have disappeared overnight if Stalin had simply been able to let a few million more Ukrainians starve to death. “It’s a shame, because in 1953 the Soviet Union was really on the precipice of becoming a perpetual workers’ paradise devoid of all poverty and want. Unfortunately, Stalin passed away before he could round up just one last group of intellectuals and make them dig their own mass graves.” Morrison also noted that Stalin likely came closer to creating a communist utopia than any other leader in world history besides China’s Mao Tse-tung, who actually achieved it.

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I don't know what's funnier, serious huffiness from people who don't know what the Onion is, or the tankies screaming in angst.

TomTSEC Lunatics. Good luck in your fantasy world.

It has to be, otherwise it will stop being an utopia ❤️

Onions are good to fight scurvy.

True, he was about to purge the j*ws.

He's georgian and is still venerated in Georgia to this day oddly enough ...

uh oh tankies mad

Isn’t it WEIRD we had to cooperate with a nut bag killer like Stalin just to get rid of one who was WORSE! Hitler Damn, dictators were a ‘dime a dozen’ back then haha! Also. Paul Pot, Chairman Mao. Wow

new_number_2 Frwrd JohnReed_1917 1919LIVE 1919CROWD KaiserW_1918 VDerGoltz_1919 Eberhardt_1919

missed it by that much

smokedcaffe

'One we've handled those pesky anarchists once and for all, we'll finally be able to abolish the state!'

capitalists: stupid leftists love to argue that the USSR didn't represent socialism as a whole! leftist: so you disagree? whats your response then? capitalists: ... psh the stupid leftists love saying the USSR didn't represent socialism as a whole!

He barfed after eating? who knew.

LeftDoomer

Oh no... twitter commie cosplayers gonna me mad. 😡

just one more

SheikhStalin

Based check

Damn

Putin et al. will attest.

Capitalism requires perpetual purges.

Actually yes.

Stalin ? I doubt most American HS students know anything about him.

Thats what that Hitler dude said too

The bosses wrote this one

He did his best. That's all anyone can do.

Dark humor is like food in a communist utopia - not everyone gets it.

So close, yet so far away.

So close.

Tankies malding

поддельные новости! Fake News!

I bet meddling kids were involved.

Stalin and Mao's Dream.... Technocracy. Rollin', rollin', rollin' 5G.

dayum

Brilliant.

im glad the onion finally hired krushevites diversity

It kinda still be like that

No one can hate you if no one is alive. 🤷‍♂️

Listen to this tume about climate change and population.

Just here to see how many commies reply with 'this, but unironically'

Trump says, 'Hold my beer'

I feel sorry for the Soviet Union. Bulimia is nothing to scoff at.

HardcoreHistory he was sooo close Dan! Oh what could have been.... 🤔

Don't forget about an unmatched communist hairstyle too!

'Death Solves All Problems' - Stalin So True.

That actor guy who was Chandler's roommate from FriendsTV? Boy did we dodge a bullet.

Darnit! 110th time's the charm, as the saying goes among murderous dictators.

Sanders will do, Sanders, Bernie will do!

I am just shocked by the amount of people taking this seriously.

Ah, Yurinov Stalin! Great purgilist, he.

Holodomor. Never forget what this epitome of filth did to the Ukrainian people.

It's always one great purge away

Stone Toss . JPG

Inb4 angry leftists screeching their Holodomor denial and saying the USSR collapsed because of evil capitalists.

no no see the most important step towards a communist society is making everyone fear for their lives

so close

What a fool! Obviously what he needed were more tax cuts!!!

Suuuuuuuure he was.....

Tankies are shook.

SheikhStalin

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