The illegitimate hacks of the Supreme Court repealed the most American law ever. What are the heroes going to say in movies now when they catch the bad guy?
Don't worry because now the cops don't have to tell them at all
lucky. the other 21% don't get them at all
Not anymore.
Fake news!! They're dead.
if you're unconscious then you can't incriminate yourself
TF I don't care, 90% of who they arrest are criminal anyway.
Unconscious? Sure lol
Not any more. Now they just don't get them.
Your not wrong here. I thought this was satirious and not serious
Makes sense given how high they usually are.
Since it's quite common they already know it from the other 21%.
If you understand these rights and decline legal representation, just lie there.
Where's the cap?
Seems to leave out what percentage of any of the suspects were resisting arrest.
rulinged
That time the onion’s satire almost got me because it’s “over the top” headline was actually believable …
In 2022 if the Onion ran stories with a poll 'True or False' I'd get 90% of them wrong
Just like people in comas can hear their loved ones in the room
How can an unconscious person answer in the affirmative when asked, “do you understand these rights as I explained them to you?”
We can always count on the Onion for fast and reliable news
Hypnotherapy
And what is the percentage of non minorities suspects with the same circumstances? You need to show those numbers to make the report credible.
this is concerning
Honestly thought that number would be higher. 🤣😭😬
'The report further concluded that 98 percent of African-American suspects had their Miranda rights administered in between blows of a police baton.' The Onion doesn't even bother with snark anymore. Just facts.
😂😭😂😔😠
Well if they didn't think it's their God given right to fight the law, then more soul have them read conscious, can't you see that it's these people that are bringing racism to the fire front, it's worse now than back in the 60s
Satire is dead in a world stranger than any comedian could make up
Well, you know what they say. Better read than dead. TheOnionSucks
I'll leave this one alone
🤣🤣
*technically*
Wish I could think of something funny about this onion, but I can't
Who is Miranda ?
Is this even satire
sssleeps I literally can't tell anymore. :-P
Ohhhhhh so that must've been when they read me mine
80%+ of NYC gun shootings go unsolved, forever. Not a joke! The sheer number of murders & woundings overwhelms investigation professionals. It's completely out of control under NYCMayor & NYGovCuomo , The Dumbnumbnuts Duo of rabid Communist sympathizers.
Hey stop printing real stories! 😜
They handcuff dead people too - gotta respect the blue
💀was finna laugh until i thought about how this could be a real statistic
According to the police, minority suspects just tend to be 'sleepier' than the other suspects who have whiter skin.
I call BS let's see it.. 97% of 'journalists' never do research they guess based on whatever they think the flavor of main street media is at the time so they can all get behind it then say it enough to make ppl think it's true
Its better than 78%tho
Anti-Immigrant Norwegian Lawmaker Nominates Trump for Nobel Peace Prize. The Onion ?
Or dead.
I thought the onion was supposed to be satire
Damn
Too bad they don't have a right to a doctor.
'He's unconscious. Now play MirandaRights.mp3.*
Is it still satire if it's true
Miranda rights are so boring many people are falling asleep before they are finished
Miranda is TV/movies shit anyway.
Funny but sounds soooooo true.
snopes TheBabylonBee
This not even a fucking joke 😂😢
... and 40% of the people reading them their rights practice on their wives.
I didn’t even suspect this was an Onion story by headline alone, that is scary. It must be getting harder to write stories given that we are living in bizarre times.
I really really cannot wait until gets back to doing satire.
Is the satire how low that percentage is?
The more 'woke' they get the less funny theOnion becomes... sad THIS is what theOnion used to be!
The onion never misses lmao
Can you give to whole break down ...
As it should be!!!!
Um, you're supposed to report parodies, not real news. I know it's hard these days, but don't get so lazy you report real statistics.
I’ve also heard that cops now give English speakers their Miranda rights in Spanish, and Spanish speakers in English. Part or their diversity and inclusivity training.
When satire meets reality you’ve got....
When satire meets reality you’ve got....
WTF
I wonder what the actual statistic for that is cause you can be damn sure its non-zero.
not_shillary Do these fascist pigs even worry about reading people their 'rights' anymore? Are these pigs even considerate of laws, at all, or just the ones they can exploit to bully people & have their ego/power trips?
It’s interesting to see how old many Onion articles about police brutality are. It’s almost like it’s not a recent development.
One can no longer distinguish the parody from the real 😂
smokeynj123 Haha, it's a joke, because it's actually 85%!
How many of them were on drugs ? Was a medical examiner present to declare this data? Where is the fact check on this ?
👍😂
Really? That many are still alive when they're Mirandized?
My mind skipped over who posted it and for a second I honestly believed it oh lawdy lawd
You need a headline about the Buffalo PD, how it’s less paperwork to suspend cops than it is to fire and rehire them
LetstrumpTrump
Onion, I can't tell if this is true or not.
This was from 2014. Sad.
Satire never has asked: too soon?
The other 21% are dead
I thought you guys made jokes
The other 21% not at all.
They don’t read Miranda rights anymore. Not that I’ve ever heard at least. Even been told by a pig that’s all old school bullshit. I get this is supposed to be a joke, but ACAB and FTP!! blacklivesmatter
Again, how did ATrainSandstrom and I not create the Onion?
According to Los Angeles Mayor ...
When did you make the switch to reporting real news?
y’all have been on your SHIT lately
Ow.
All “suspects” or old people that just happened to fall? 🤦♀️
W
there is nothing about comprehension in the declaration of independence when it talks about miranda rights i checked
That. is. funny. Who says you guys lost your edge?
Oh sure, blame the cop for having a baton & beating someone just because they pointed at him! Have you considered the fact that the cop also has a gun, bullet proof vest, & a history of unprovoked violence?
I liked that time when The Onion was satire. pepperidgefarmsremembers
Oof
No cap!
This may be the first true statement ever made by the onion.
hbi2k is the onion even satire anymore?
What a great country
Everyone starts doubting the Onion's writers when they see percentages
Seems low
They should be grateful they’re even being read their Miranda rights!
Good news, it's one of police reforms neo-libs are now fighting for: to get that percentage up to 100%!
would like assure its readers that it hopes to be returning to satire as soon as conditions allow
Based onion
“You have the r-ai-ai-ai-ght to remain s-ai-ai-ai-lent,” said Officer Koslowski, reading the suspect his Carmen Miranda rights.
Thought this was supposed to be satirical?
Look... I love you guys, I really do, but this? Especially now? Bad taste...
holy shit
I guess this is funny . . .
Sad but true.
Onion isn’t satire anymore 😂
Stop being news please.
The Onion reporting real news is
Onion, you are supposed to be satirical, not telling us facts
Only the Onion could post a headline meant to be taken as satire that is probably true because REALITY IS JUST THAT SCREWED UP.
Omg
The Onion today
You low balling like Biden.
Onion is actually struggling Because this is now real news and fact based so they can’t find anything to make fun off
Grew up in a neighborhood that became predominately black. Man, I'll tell ya, cops followed and ruined everything. Fights, drugs, thefts, shootings... Had to move because of those damn cops. You should see the neighborhood now. Focked it all up! (Shakes fist at blue sky)
I guess they'll stay silent.
cbae_bae
So fucking dark! Keep going.
Love the Onion but nowadays need to fact check these to make sure they’re made up. 😬
They know it already.
ResistMonsters This actually could be believed.
Fuck 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
But it’s recorded for them for when they wake up , right As proof they got their rights ? .. I hope the police have learned their lesson to cover their backs !
Too real.
Is this the nytimes ?
Lol
Wow the onion really knows how to meet the moment.
-sigh-
satire that’s true
Stop reporting the truth and go back to funny satirical news...
pachydermpaul
The violence we have all seen in these past couple of weeks has showed us, Black youth rioters are dangerously violent and have no regard for people or property, and White youth and adults are walking around in a trance apologizing for being white. Somebody get them help!!!
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