Quiz: Which Cult Are You In?

Photo: HBO, Showtime, Getty Images This winter, in the midst of the latest and most turbocharged proliferation of the novel coronavirus, two television series briefly, blissfully took our minds off the fact that our elected federal government is telling us to Google things during an unprecedented global crisis.

Most significant, though, both shows featured fledgling and eventually thriving cults led by young women with good hair and questionable mental fitness.

Mostly B’s, Lottie’s Cult: You know what you want , and nobody can stop you, queen! You will need: one animal heart, one freaky doll, one dog head, a nice candle, a willingness to betray your loved ones, and a belief system expansive enough to include haunted woods that have their own agenda. If you survive that part and stick around long enough, you will eventually get to stalk and blackmail people, then throw them into anonymous vans.

Mostly C’s, America’s Cult: You are living in the richest country in the world, and you earned it, honey. You probably have COVID. You do not have free health care, and you will have to stand in line for four hours, either in the freezing cold or surrounded by other people on all sides. You have to test to get out of quarantine, but there are no tests available. Actually, fine, you don’t have to test, but if you do happen to test and you test positive, stay in quarantine.

Why is PressSec in this photo? I’m not even reading this.

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