Vol 56 Issue 21, Protest

Vol 56 Issue 21, Protest

Protestors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm First

Protestors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm First

5/28/2020 10:05:00 PM

Protest ors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm First

MINNEAPOLIS—Calling for a more measured way to express opposition to police brutality, critics slammed demonstrators Thursday for recklessly looting businesses without forming a private equity firm first. “Look, we all have the right to protest, but that doesn’t mean you can just rush in and destroy any business without gathering a group of clandestine investors to purchase it at a severely reduced price and slowly bleed it to death,” said Facebook commenter Amy Mulrain, echoing the sentiments of detractors nationwide who blasted the demonstrators for not hiring a consultant group to take stock of a struggling company’s assets before plundering. “I understand that people are angry, but they shouldn’t just endanger businesses without even a thought to enriching themselves through leveraged buyouts and across-the-board terminations. It’s disgusting to put workers at risk by looting. You do it by chipping away at their health benefits and eventually laying them off. There’s a right way and wrong way to do this.” At press time, critics recommended that protestors hold law enforcement accountable by simply purchasing the Minneapolis police department from taxpayers.

LIS—Calling for a more measured way to express opposition to police brutality, critics slammed demonstrators Thursday for recklessly looting businesses without forming a private equity firm first. “Look, we all have the right to protest, but that doesn’t mean you can just rush in and destroy any business without gathering a group of clandestine investors to purchase it at a severely reduced price and slowly bleed it to death,” said Facebook commenter Amy Mulrain, echoing the sentiments of detractors nationwide who blasted the demonstrators for not hiring a consultant group to take stock of a struggling company’s assets before plundering. “I understand that people are angry, but they shouldn’t just endanger businesses without even a thought to enriching themselves through leveraged buyouts and across-the-board terminations. It’s disgusting to put workers at risk by looting. You do it by chipping away at their health benefits and eventually laying them off. There’s a right way and wrong way to do this.” At press time, critics recommended that protestors hold law enforcement accountable by simply purchasing the Minneapolis police department from taxpayers.

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HNTurtledove At least get an insurance policy linamkhan omg that is sooooooo funny holy cow wow gordonkeith gordonkeith, I thought of you and your love for Idiocracy when I saw this. :) clintschaff LOL! Clint! 😂😂😂 AlexCTaliadoros Well at least you have a sense of humor Alex and you can appreciate the parodies of “The Onion.”

🤣😈At press time, critics recommended that protestors hold law enforcement accountable by simply purchasing the Minneapolis police department from taxpayers🤣😈 💥stay safe all💥😷💋😷 gordonkeith Part of the 98%; great segments gordonkeith gordonkeith Gordon - Is it possible to obtain a copy of today's (Monday, 6/1/2020) Musers broadcast? I would very much like to share it with some people.

gordonkeith junior_miller I think this onion article articulates the lack of outrage at white collar crime perfectly. DanielDrakos This is not about Gearge Floyd's death. HIS DEATH WAS WRONG! But his death is being taken in vain by all this nonsense. This is just another excuse to conduct criminal activity. Shame shame shame!

Thieves should pay for restitution and incarceration as they are dangerous and abusive White people loot too. So shutup Our corporate overloads literally looted trillions from the Treasury & taxpayers since COVID started but nobody cares. It's a tongue in cheek headline - clever and cute. And Private Equity firms do rape and pillage businesses. But there is no excuse for destroying small businesses so you can grab merch while doing a happy dance. Not part of the legitimate protest. See Dr. Martin Luther King.

Who walks around with that kind of weapon ,if not intending to do harm. russ1mitchell Print some money. Solved. GovernAmerica R O F L M efen A O!!! YourAnonNews Indoctrinated much? This has got to be the funniest “program” I’ve seen yet. Fucking laugh with me! These people are not woke. 👽🧬💎🌌♾ Truth

YourAnonNews People fell for The Onion the greatest satirical news source once again. Many a truth is said in jest, as the old saying goes. Truth, however distasteful, can be extremely funny. Great one The Onion! Hey onion you’re supposed to be not real Protesters criticized by insurance agencies for burning buildings not in-network. 'They're just asking for extra out-of-pocket costs,' says Michael Richman, Riata CEO

AceFlighty Loving The Onion more every day. elmaraliyev24 lmao Excellent 😂 🤣🤣🤣 Perfectly said! nicgford Forming private equity firms are the main thing I'm always forgetting to do before taking it to the streets for social injustice in America. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 viveka IT is likely that white protesters supporting their black brothers would have an extremely strong sense of social justice and be unlikely to be vandalising, therefore the person pictured is probably not a protester. Agent provocateur? perhaps a cop? white supremicist ?

How many black writers at the Onion? Woman writers get equal pay? Brutally true. AkilahObviously so great. Looting private propertt is a grave crime. US now copies the interference they makes in Hong Kong. BananaRepublic There's something hinky about this picture. He doesn't look like a looter. No social distancing

The Onion is miles ahead of SNL. Consistently. Daaamn! 😬 GrifterWH LLC TrumpVirus iamkoshiek That is what Mitt Romney did before he got elected and became a professional whiner. ClimateAudit this just isn't funny right now. go get some self awareness. Why if anybody have arms in USA dont use to protect?

How many of the people voicing their outrage over businesses getting looted have also voiced their outrage over the systematic murder of black people? tweet of the gd year RebeccaforWA It’s painfully funny but it’s true steveterrell Bc two wrongs make a right 👍 “Look, we all have the right to protest, but that doesn’t mean you can just rush in and destroy any business without gathering a group of clandestine investors to purchase it at a severely reduced price and slowly bleed it to death”

Private Equity firm? Ha. The only forethought here is how much can I get for it on EBay. This isn’t protesting; these are a litany of crimes: looting, grande theft, destruction of private property, insighting a riot, arson, burglary, terrorism, trespassing...makes no sense. Bane Capital. 😏 Harness emotions, PLEASE! Enemy on knees. Hit where it hurts. Absolute necessities; NO name brands, 'sports and entertainment' or eating out. Walk, bike, skateboard or public transport. 'Shelter-in-place' indefinitely. $1.2 trillion annual loss ensures agonizing death.

phbarratt There seems to be a lack of videos of looting at Korean-owned gun stores. jasonschreier The Onion continues to summarize everything in just a headline so expertly. Respect. MykeCole Sometimes has a way of distilling our world… younglandis Ouch skkimp It really do be like that sometimes Savage

This isn’t too far from the truth Awesome Mike_from_PA These protesters are no less than goons and terrorists, Government must act against these harmful people immediately and protect Common people Too soon. theferocity The onion.... gotta love it 🤣 Saw this! What a hoot! Agents provocateur. EmmaVigeland What a sick demented statement trying to justifying burning your city to the ground. Smh

To be fair they were damaging the physical assets that would be sold for money rather than beating would/should be pensioners if they were properly paid with their own meager wallets which is the really outrageous part. Half joking. Some arent actually terrible. Outstanding The ones with the smaller hammers should go first

One of the best researched well thought out and technically detailed pieces of journalism. I give it 10 Onions. 🤪 laurenthehough This! If I had a penny for every time that happened. afshinrattansi 🤣 Bwahahahahahahahah Loving the gentle socialist twist to it. Eat the rich at its finest. 😂 Trotsky high fives you.

A+ headline 😂 😂 Who ever write this! I love you! To funny Is that a moonlighting cop or do they just work at AutoZone? ROFL... 🔥💥 Hahaha Someone replied that property is replceable, but lives aren’t and then blocked me from seeing his posts. 😂. Well, what about the poor man they killed in the riots? Who is paying for that? Should we hold all rioters accountable? Should we destroy their property?

This might be the best Onion ever. I Patrick_Fenelon The onion is always so fucking spot on lmao Right on target Just a question...what good outcome is expected for these riots In all honesty and reality how will it help These cops have been fired and will be charged for murder for what they did. Destroying your own city for what purpose What will it change ?

“These thugs didn’t even form a partnership! Nothing!” Pandemic protests EclecticMethod Parody IS still possible - just about. Hahahahahahahaha Dotdarling68 👏🏻👏🏻 AlbertMacGloan Brilliant!! The best! haha brilliant Hope the guy in the pic looted a belt 😹😹 If you want to steal chump change, rob a bank. If you want to steal the Big Bucks, own a bank.

😂😂😂😂 Woke onion JackOpperman1 VijayVaswani19 🤣 Creme de la creme tweet. Helen_Something ClippedHussar *late capitalism intensifies* 2 early Lmfao Mitt Romney: 'they're doing it wrong' GarethDennis Spicy 🌶️ lphalippou81 This is sad. Young people need to pray and work. Do not break the law. jilevin Priceless

It's what being an entrepreneur is all about. Finally, a joke... It’s meant to mock private equity companies that have contributed to the bankruptcy of a number of large retailers, like J Crew. Real life matters thou 👍😀 Lmao !! WTH Satire at its best. WOW YOU GUYS GOT THE RIGHT NAME SMELL LIKE YOUR SYMBOLS THE ONIONS LOL

radleybalko What happened to the agitator. radleybalko? Well, America is doomed I’m crying from the unfunniness of this tweet... are you justifying the looting? Lol! But how exactly right! That is hilarious, 😂 Lollll SkinnerPm If you think the onion is funny check out the TheBabylonBee Fun Fact: The Onion does not miss

realJosephRich You can't even short a good crisis anymore. I bet you if 9/11 happened today we'd be up 500 points tomorrow 🤨 Lmao The people who are looting aren't protesting, they don't give a shit about the protests. Pantolonu götünde durmuyor yaptığı harekete bak Elon musk The Onion wins again What has a mans life, ending in a terrible way, got to do with looting, you are all just thugs.

This is phenomenal holy shit Totally irresponsible! Popehat Real Professional Looters don’t break windows and steal TVs. They wear suits, have Law Degrees and Plunder millions of dollars thru stock buybacks & golden parachutes for Execs just before they file Bankruptcy. But please, let’s worry about that $350 Flat Screen

Wow, just wow. Kinda wish I was one of those protesters right now, but I'm not that crazy...yet Too spot on Haha Legal-by-lobbying boardroom-based looting just doesn't get the news ratings that street riot looting gets. YourAnonNews God damn socialists, if they want a free ride, just start a corporation first.

If there’s no justice for the people, let there be no peace for the government. ✊ YourAnonNews Oh shit Such cowardice. How tf does looting shops help the cause? Not all! Now less and less people will fight for the cause bc of them cowards Z_e_e_s Funny Why Business crazy its not a protest already It's vandalism

EddyElfenbein Wow, The Onion actually made a funny one after a five year dry streak. It's a little known fact that private equity firms are informally known as Hell's Grannies. think about what western gov said when these things happening in Hongkong.what a double standard world ,how hypocrisy you are.

Truth! DevinCow It turns out the guys smashing the windows that started the looting were disguised cops. chschlaff .EddyElfenbein 😂 Gonna remember and repost this every time another business goes bankrupt due to this shenanigans. DevinCow If you call it a leveraged buyout it's no problem. 😂 That's why we need guns, to shoot mfs straight in the face. Protect your own shit

protester criticized for actually being a cop OMG! Ain't that the truth!!! Mittens does it all the time. jordangerous So what does that mean, If you want to Smash Store windows you need to get legel first amazes me when I see this looting and rioting, do the ones doing it realize they are hurting themselves and their families when they destroy the very store they shop at?

His hands look white? Laughing in Geoffrey. Wow 😂 joncoopertweets His memory will live on forever as long as you get a free tv out of it I love the Onion and this private equity firm headline is genius! livebeef I clicked the link :3 NormOrnstein How to rob a bank? Own a bank. Daaaamn this is good. HarrisFootball There is a mile wide difference between “protesters” and looters/rioters! How does breaking a window, starting a fire that burns down your neighborhood pharmacy, and stealing a big screen TV from Target help your “cause”?

Results of Abhorrent racism practiced and repeated by the white man over the years in US..and then they tell you about human rights here and there..look insider.. disgusting . Likes law of jungle in the white man aginst all colors Pepole in in US but worldwide. This headline is too real Notthenineoclo2 Unlike the politicians and their local policies would have done, because they're apex criminals/looters

I think the Onion could make a great headline out of them satirizing private equity looting businesses 2020 is too easy for the onion. But, honestly 2020 is just plagiarizing off you guys...I would ask to speak to the manager. natalieweiner AnthonyCrabb1 TeamCavuto it's okay to say you watched hime get murdered cause you did - be the ball danny

Are all the regular writers on furlough? steve_shives How true? PATreasury Carlos_cfm StevenKJohnson this is perfect👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼 ChicagoBooth MBA is waiting for interview follow-up from mythical private equity firm This is Twitter gold. SiberetSiberet NapoDinamait michaeldweiss ooooh! LaingCallum So true...

🧑‍🍳💋 Your worried about buildings and black men are losing their life for nothing. Smh Criticize the police that are still killing black people years later. They don’t want peace. This was in 1964 and they are still KILLER COPS GodDAMN This one is right up there with '‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens'

Nailed it once again Total disgrace! The Onion don’t miss BAAAAZING!!! *Hahahahaha!...* Yeeeeesssssssss Ha! To funny. hail the snark 3 ValueAnalyst1 the real looting happened when the corporations were bailed out. I remember when The Onion published satire instead of Truth. The scariest words in the English language: 'I'm from a hedge-fund-owned company and I'm here to help.'

Based and epic How are you so sure? 😂😂 What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? There are way too many people that won't get this joke. Yes however we all know that two wrongs don't make a right. Or joining the cabinet Thank you for this. roywoodjr Count on the Onion for going 'next level'

😂😂😂 Incorporating also reduces personal risk 🤣🤣🤣 Delicious post comrade ACAB; capitalism is trash Boom! Outrageous, I know! Scum Stupendous. The owner of this joke deserves applause 👏 Was the critic Mitt Romney? USNavyMomPA This is some of your finest work. I beat you to this joke. 😝 THEY DON'T MISS SkinnerPm This is exactly what happened to Sears Canada.

gawjus dan_bernstein I’m appalled by these looters taking advantage of the current turmoil. This is amazing * chef’s kiss * aliepierce virginiemorgon dingus_768 Ah good going to send this to people who want to whine about the looting lmao Based AurlienChanteur you crazy for this one rick Savage Onion. If the psychopaths running Corpse America had feelings, they’d be hurt

alexfarghie PTDRRRRRRRRRR dougboneparth litcapital BankingPledge KyleWil99608598 🎯 Ohdoctah LOL filosofiser haha this is perfect

Protesters Start Looting In Minneapolis Following George Floyd's DeathThe protests for George Floyd's death continued for the second night in Minneapolis, with looting at a Target store near the intersection where he was killed. How does this honor GeorgeFloyd's life? Fuck it at this point 🤷🏾‍♂️ AnimalMemorial Bring in the National Guard. Looting their own stores!

Violence again rocks Minneapolis after man's death; 1 killed Protest s rock Minneapolis for the second straight night after a black man's death in police custody. One person is killed in what police are investigating as a homicide amidst violence that included looting and setting fires. Nothing says 'protest' like mass looting of consumer goods There are actually two things going on. Protesting and Looting. The looters are shitting on the memory of the man, the protestors are justifiably protesting the murder of a man by police. The only homicide I know of tonight is a pawn shop owner defending his property. Who is better for blacks ?

There Were Fires And Looting In Minneapolis As Police Fired Tear Gas At George Floyd ProtestersOne man was shot dead outside a pawn shop, and police are investigating. Okay interesting way to spin a headline but go off This is so sad! Do they realize they are giving ammunition to the police. This is about a racist murder! How is this helping the cause. My God this mans family is devastated and you loot and shoot in this mans memory. How dare you! Shame on you!!

Actors’ Equity President Insists Performers Not Be “Epidemiological Guinea Pigs” As Union Releases Guiding Principals For Broadway ReopeningThe reopening of Broadway theaters should not come without as much consideration for actors’ safety as for that of audiences, Actors’ Equity Association made clear today in a presentati…

China asserts ‘strong dissatisfaction’ after U.S. expands tech blacklist for human rights abusesChina denounced a move by the U.S. Commerce Department to expand its entity list of Chinese companies, which are restricted from doing business with U.S. firms. “We urge the United States to correct its mistakes,' said the foreign ministry spokesman. China is as sleazy as they come. Dipstick Don and his moronic followers are a close second. f**k china you correct the china virus We’re about to correct our first mistake by pulling much of our manufacturing from China.

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