Police Department Reduces Costs By Using Same Evidence For Every Investigation

📆 6/1/2020 9:54 AM
📰 TheOnion

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JACKSONVILLE, FL—Noting that the new procedure is far more efficient and has completely streamlined the investigative process, representatives from the Jacksonville Police Department confirmed Wednesday they have been able to sharply reduce costs by reusing the same evidence in every case they handle. “Our department used to spend considerable time and manpower scouring crime scenes for clues, obtaining search warrants, interrogating suspects, and interviewing witnesses, but since we started using the same gun and DNA swab for every crime, we’ve been able to breeze through investigations in no time,” said police chief Alec McCarthy, who stated that the Jacksonville police have been able to close every case that has come up since the new protocol was enacted as well as make a significant dent in the department’s accumulated backlog of unsolved crimes. “Homicide investigations would often drag on for weeks, but now we’re in and out in two hours. We knocked out a triple murder, four breaking and enterings, and two aggravated assaults with a deadly weapon just this morning, and we’re on track to wrap up a couple of old child abduction cold cases by the end of the day.” Citing the success of the new program, the department said it is considering reusing the same signed confession for each case as well.

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CONGRATS PHILIPPINES! WE GOING ✈️ INTERNATIONAL ✨🤩

You thought you were joking

this is literally happening in the Philippines

plotato Literally a true story in the Philippines.

give us satire

PH has heard this one before

I didn’t know you covered the Philippines!

Sorry, The Onion.

The Philippine Police does this lmaooooo

This literally happens in the Philippines on a daily basis

this is gold

bertjwregeer Don't use short links, newb

Brilliant!! 😁

Lol “if it aint broke dont fix it”

Yooooo don't stop 😂😂👌😅🙌

Leave it to the onion to make me crack up every time

While this is a satire in your place, this is a real news in ours. 😂

Hey! That's my Baretta!

We only we need one drop gun.

Chicago Police department to monitor their interactions with public using new bullet cams.

Kirbymckirby Posting spoilers for

Somebody recreate this with an ANTIFA patch in the bag

I thought it was strange that a my public nudity trial included as evidence; a gun and15 lbs of meth,

The fact that this article it's 6 years old is sending me

/pnppio wbk

Recicle xD

when are you guys going to go back to satire? oh wait it's impossible in today's world.

Relax. It's the Onion.

LITERALLY THO 👀

Lmao XD

Really! Find some ethics 'The Onion'. Show us the proof. I am on the side of fair facts, not Fox News facts nor CNN facts...just factual information, not desperate attempts to incite panacea. If you can't publish your findings in broad scope, then you are part of the problem.

Where the lie tho

But the weed stash keeps disappearing. S'ok, though. Johnson's got a guy in the 'hood.

WOW this is amazing on so many levels

Letting the secret out are we?

This is definitely not a satire account

Zineb50629367

lemiwrap This ie a good one

America is a PoliceState

good timing

This is actually funny

Scully and Hitchcock have been doing that since the 80s

Sounds like a great idea. Was realDonaldTrump a co-author?

And the 'Onion' keeps telling the same lies!

😂

😊

Breaking: Police officer kneeling in solidarity with protestors fantasising about doing it on black man's windpipe

They been doing that for YEARS!!!! Lmao 😂

Donald Trump agrees. Everyone charged is obviously guilty.

this would probably happen rn ngl

Next level ‘Have Gun, Will Travel’.

radicalized onion dont miss

Works everytime!

State reduces cost by having police officers act as Judge, Jury and Executioners.

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