Pantene Unveils New Color Shine Shampoo That Makes Hair So Radiant It Shall Blind Anyone Who Gazes Upon It

📆 11/30/2020 1:20 PM
📰 TheOnion

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CINCINNATI—Claiming to have harnessed the brilliance of a thousand suns within each bottle, hair care brand Pantene announced Monday it had developed a new Color Shine shampoo that bestows such radiance upon one’s silken strands that it shall blind any mortal who gazes upon them. “Our newly reformulated Color Shine shampoo makes hair so smooth and lustrous that all who encounter its penetrating luminosity shall immediately and permanently be rendered sightless!” declared Pantene spokeswoman Anne Peterson, who added that cataract sunglasses must be worn by consumers who wished to avoid searing their corneas as they styled their blindingly shiny hair in the mirror and noted that any temporary loss of vision just meant the shampoo was working as intended. “This color-protecting, nourishing shampoo gently cleanses as you lather, leaving hair looking healthy and vibrant enough to boil the retinas of any onlookers inside their heads, all while keeping frizz and fly-aways at bay. A proprietary blend of aloes locks in hair’s natural moisture, making each strand touchably soft as it glows white-hot with the intensity of a hydrogen bomb blast. A pea-sized amount is all it takes for head-turning highlights that leave behind a sea of innocents clutching their faces and shouting, ‘My eyes, my eyes!’ as they fall to their knees, the sight of your enviable sheen forever scorched into their minds as they are consumed by all-encompassing blackness.” At press time, a sprawling brush fire had erupted and burned 500,000 acres after Pantene attempted to photograph one of the Color Shine models while using the camera’s flash.

and noted that any temporary loss of vision just meant the shampoo was working as intended. “This color-protecting, nourishing shampoo gently cleanses as you lather, leaving hair looking healthy and vibrant enough to boil the retinas of any onlookers inside their heads, all while keeping frizz and fly-proprietary blend of aloes locks in hair’s natural moisture, making each strand touchably soft as it glows white-hot with the intensity of a hydrogen bomb blast.

Write Comment

It's refreshing to have you guys back to doing obvious satire. Well done, as usual.

Whip your hair back and forth like its a whip blessed by holy wattahhh

Nice that would work great in the night.

I'll take your entire stock!

I’d buy it . . . That or glow in the dark hair products-do these already exist, cuz if they don’t, they should.

Trevorlawrencee is the right guy for the commercial. No need to look for anyone better - there isn't anyone better. Trevor4Heisman

Nano LEDs for hair effects. This is brilliant, literally.

It seems like this might irritate the scalp, too...

БОРТНИКОВ

finally my jesus outfit will look good.

I'm waiting for them to create a shampoo that automatically restores original hair color

Please help me. During pandemic people have lost their jobs, and now amazon is stealing refund money by putting them on amazon gift card. Please I need my money back to pay off my credit card. AmazonHelp JeffBezos POTUS44 POTUS

H-how bright is it?

DO YOU SHIP TO QO'NOS?

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