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Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit

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BRUNSWICK, ME—Dispelling commonly held beliefs surrounding their unusual sleep habits, ornithologists at Bowdoin College released a groundbreaking new study Monday that attributed owls’ nocturnal lifestyle to their hard cocaine habit. “The reason owls are so alert at night is because they have a crippling addiction to cocaine, which causes them to stay yipped up into the wee hours before they completely crash at dawn,” said lead researcher Nathaniel Wheelwright, explaining how the species’ darting head movements and dilated pupils were caused by snorting numerous lines over the course of an evening with their owl buddies. “After ripping a bunch of rails in remote tree branches or darkened corners of barns, these tweaked-out birds of prey will stay up all night repeatedly making and remaking their nests. We have also discovered that owls swallow their prey whole because the drug significantly reduces their appetite.” Wheelwright added that bats’ nocturnal lifestyle, on the other hand, could be attributed to their penchant for methamphetamines.

 

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And I thought it was because they still wear hard contact lens. I mean, look at those eyes!

Uh . . . Ha, ha, ha, ha . . .

I knew it!

as if the wisest owls haven't long since moved on to mescaline

What? That's hard to believe?

There getting the coke from libs

Must be the GMO cocaine that grants night vision to the user. Finally a positive side effect to 'who-m'-ever uses it.

and they start shouting whoo-hoo when high.

Fake news! They don’t even know about crack smh.

They need intervention! 😜

😂😂😂

A Superb Owl indeed.

Why can't the owls just listen to Rick James. I mean, the man did say cocaine's a helluva drug

Does this look like the face of a coke addict to you?

Or. Just changed to. Normal work schedule, YAH DINGUSES!

Next week on Bird NARC

Is there any other type of cocaine habit? 🦉

The idea owls on coke is hilarious to me. 😂

Stay away from the fuckin' bird jokes. (Kidding. Love you, Onion.)

Oh my...

I fuckin KNEW IT

The owls are not what they seem.

Whoa. I had no idea.

Fucking called it.

At least someone is having fun

BrendanielH this explains shammy's upload schedule

I always had a sneaking suspicion about this.

I am not surprised one bit.

To wit, to woo?

How did I not see this before 😔😭

Explains why they’re such assholes

You can see it in the eyes. The eyes never lie.

yeah me too you aren't special

The Who meet Eric Clapton.

That does explain the popping eyes.

I swear to god it blinked at me..

Sounds right. Best coke I've ever had was off a couple of hooters.

Barn owls are the worst, get really nasty when coked up too.

Let’s go!

No. It's their obsession with Tootsie roll pops. They know how many licks it takes. They just messing with y'all.

OwlLouisiana What say you?

It’s an acquired taste or smell I guess.

Lol

That settles it

Well the TWIN TOWERS was not about the COCAINE

martys_owl

Damn, but meth is cheaper though. Just saying

it's those damn marshmallows, really.

What? No, that's completely wrong. We don't short coke. We smoke crack. It's like they didn't even actually ask us.

I knew it

So, I’m an owl now? Fuck!!!!

Ha, ha, ha, ha . . .

ShammyTV

Lmaoooo

The owls are not what they seem...

No it's definitely video games. That happens when you play 1/2h Pacman a week

species that live near trailer parks prefer meth though...

ShammyTV

Makes sense...😂

In an attempt to find humor in a world gone mad, the Onion is no longer funny. Sorry.

🤣

They have coke eyes!

😂😂😂

Flying like a boss over the crowd chanting “build the wall! Build the wall!”

Genimosma

spacenerd19 Friends of yours?

This is not true.

Finally, a theory that makes some sense.

: ornithologists. Owls: who?!

😂😂

I'm an owl then

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