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Officials Trace Slow Vaccine Rollout To Sweet Old Ladies Holding Up Line With Their Chitchat

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ATLANTA—After conducting a nationwide survey of distribution chains, the Centers for Disease Control confirmed Wednesday it had traced the slow rollout of Covid-19 vaccines to sweet old ladies who, with their cordial but long-winded small talk, were holding up lines across the country. “We could immediately get another 15 or 20 million doses into people’s arms if these elderly women would just keep the chatter to a minimum and move it along,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, citing an incident in which the queue at a Rochester, NY clinic ground to a halt when Marjorie Bickford, a 78-year-old retiree, yammered on and on to nurses about how there sure hadn’t been much snow this year, and some folks were saying springtime might just come early. “We understand these ladies mean well when they ask our health care professionals interminable questions about whether the hospital is always this busy and whether they like the work they do and whether they have any kids at home. But the fact is, we’ve only been able to administer about a third of our current vaccine supply, and if they don’t cut out all the jibber-jabber about how their grandson Mark is 35 and somehow still single despite having a good job and being so handsome, then hundreds of thousands more Americans will die. Clearly we made a mistake when we recommended people 75 and older be given spots at the front of the line.” At press time, CDC officials confirmed further delays in the rollout were being caused by old ladies trying to pay for the vaccine in pennies.\n

ATLANTA—After conducting a nationwide survey of distribution chains, the Centers for Disease Control confirmed Wednesday it had traced the slow rollout of Covid-19 vaccines to sweet old ladies who, with their cordial but long-winded small talk, were holding up lines across the country.

“We understand these ladies mean well when they ask our health care professionals interminable questions about whether the hospital is always this busy and whether they like the work they do and whether they have any kids at home.

 

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Sounds about right. Here’s a live update that happened recently...“They are just the nicest ladies but then I realized after our conversation I had been in line for a week and never even saw a nurse or doctor or checked in for that matter.”

But the sweet old ladies though! You can’t get mad at them! /s

Just like the checkout line at the grocery store. Let's chat it up with 10 people behind you.

I'm too lazy to photo shop. Insert Bernie Sanders here.

In an effort to lure them in faster, officials are considering increasing the building's ambient temperature to 120°

Additional footage:

Is Marge pulling out a checkbook?😳

So true

Lol

A Reasonable View!!!

Digging in their purse for hard candy

Moving floors could help

I thought The Onion was supposed to be satire! 😂😂😂

It figures. In-depth reporting by the most trusted news source in America.

Las tías alexupiita ElGordoDenuez diazgiles

Obviously they never had a Grandma 🤣

The SOL’s are SOL?

Can we use them for Soylent Green?

Trying to write a check for their Medicare copay

probably writing checks as well smh

I KNEW IT

Dang it

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