New Study Confirms Sharks Just Really Angry Dolphins

📆 5/30/2020 9:31 PM
📰 TheOnion

⏱ Reading Time:
1 sec. here
2 min. at publisher
📊 Quality Score:
News: 4%
Publisher: 51%

United States Headlines News

United States Latest News,United States Headlines

GAINESVILLE, FL—Upending the conventional theory that the animals are different species, a study conducted by marine biologists at the University of Florida confirmed Thursday that sharks are just really angry dolphins. “An exhaustive five-year-long field study combined with comprehensive DNA analysis proves that sharks are actually dolphins that are super fucking pissed,” said lead researcher Dr. Karen Delgado, noting that the reason sharks were considered solitary animals was because they were simply livid dolphins who needed to go off by themselves for a while to simmer down. “Once a dolphin becomes furious, it undergoes a number of physiological changes including growing several rows of jagged teeth, sprouting gills, and developing a layer of skin that seals up the blowhole. In rare cases, a dolphin can become so enraged that its head will morph into a flat, hammer-like shape. Eventually, the mammal calms down and rejoins the pod after its dolphin-like features return.” Delgado added that her team’s study comes in the wake of a similar discovery that walruses are profoundly wise sea lions.

Write Comment

I removed you from my tweets but I am still receiving them. I don’t want them. Stop sending them.

With frickin lasers

Looking forward to watching Angry Dolphin Tank!

You’d love to prove that, wouldn’t you....get your name into the National Geographic. 😏😂

Sharks are the anti fascists supremist Q militia of the ocean

Mycotae Sharks fed up with being profiled.

TheElectroshark wow thanks i didnt know that i need more amazing info like that

I've been saying this for years. Dolphins are fish.

I thought dolphins were gay sharks so now I don't know what to believe.

Hahaha

What That's not how it works, sharks look very different to dolphins

MakgenR

Wait! So amitymedexam (boat propeller) quint_capt (swallow you whole) HooperInSharks (great white) MayorLVaughn (large predator) AmityReporter (cloud in the shape) HarryWiseman15 (seaweed) LenPetersonJr (mud/something in the lens) chiefbroody (hell again) were all wrong?

There really should be a jaws parody done with dolphins

Angry dolphins out for Justice I suppose.

I had a feeling

Sharks are sharks dolphins are dolphins so that's a retarded statement

Wait I thought The Onion was satire

sharks! lookout! getdown

Both are tasty. Ends Study Of Oceanography IRL*ГRL

If you were Shamu, you would be enraged too! Watch 'Blackfist' on Netflix and tell me why you wouldn't be mad as hell as a dolphin.

Lol! I'm convinced!

im not sure if this is a..joke.

Zfox1k sharkstomeetyou

I KNEW IT!!!!!!!

I was skeptical until I read that they did this study for 5 years and mentioned that the dolphins only grow their jagged teeth when they’re really fucking pissed

New study confirms The Onion is running out of non-pandemic related ideas

or Jack Sparrow needs dry land for a while!

😂😂😂😂😂

😂😂

This cat is really an angry furby

I fuckin knew it !!! Finally science confirm what I’ve been telling everyone since forth grade . Thank you best news network ever.

Same study also confirmed that this was a lazy post

Relatable.

'Cause they got all those teeth and no toothbrush'

Guys don’t believe this FAKE NEWS. I’m a MARINE BIOLOGIST and dolphins are MAMMALS!!! Whatever study this is should be discredited! MAGA

No wonder they’re smooth as hell.

Bluefruitbaby

howmanysharks so we need to be counting dolphins?

its cuz they don't drink milk

I knew it.

Flipper off started it.

Is this an anology for jogger americans?

i thought that this was a common fact

what with the condition of the oceans, wouldn't you be?!

No worries, TomCox4KS!

we always kick their shark 4sses that's why

WhySharksMatter you see this one?

We have summarized this news so that you can read it quickly. If you are interested in the news, you can read the full text here. Read more:

United States Latest News, United States Headlines

Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.

Study shows 10 times more New Yorkers had Covid-19 by April than previously countedBy the end of March, 1 in 7 New York adults had Covid-19 — about 10 times higher than the official account, according to a new study sponsored by the New York State Department of Health You can thank NYGovCuomo for that. It’s rude not to answer when someone knocks on your door. Didn’t you know that? Hey Karen, someone is knocking on your door, look outside and report the facts.
Source: CNN - 🏆 4. / 95 Read more »

For Opioid Users, Pandemic Means New Dangers, But Also New Treatment OptionsRelaxed regulations in response to the pandemic means more access to addiction treatment medications. But recovery programs are accepting fewer people, and the danger of overdose remains high. “The opioid epidemic kills an average of 72,000 people per year, while alcohol kills 88,000. In those 88,000 deaths are 2.5 million years of potential life lost, according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention.”
Source: NPRHealth - 🏆 144. / 63 Read more »

Photographing the New New YorkPhotographer Cheryl Dunn has been capturing life in New York City for more than 30 years. See images she captured from the city's newly quiet streets Brilliant images.
Source: NYMag - 🏆 111. / 63 Read more »

Thailand reports 1 new coronavirus case, no new deathsThailand reported one new coronavirus case on Saturday and no new deaths, taking the total number of infections to 3,077 as local transmission of the new virus appears to wane. This should be a perfect time for Thailand to end all ties with the Chinese Communist Party and start adjusting their economy to cater to the world economy and not China. great news.... Let the bangkok red district bangs open for the crowd.
Source: Reuters - 🏆 2. / 97 Read more »

Italy records 111 new coronavirus deaths, 416 new casesDeaths from the COVID-19 epidemic in Italy climbed by 111 on Saturday, against 87 the day before, the Civil Protection Agency said, while the daily tally of new cases fell to 416 from 516 on Friday. Nobody cares anymore. Fake news lies Yes, 111 age-related deaths :) 416 new people admitted to nursing homes.
Source: Reuters - 🏆 2. / 97 Read more »

US missed early chance to slow coronavirus, genetic study indicatesThe United States missed out on an early chance to catch imported cases of coronavirus earlier this year, genetics experts say in a new report. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Con news network Fire 🔥 📛 👨‍🚒 🚒 🧯 🎆 🔥
Source: CNN - 🏆 4. / 95 Read more »