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New Poll Finds 80% Of Americans Would Just Fucking Destroy Pan Of Brownies

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ASBURY PARK, NJ—Saying their findings were consistent across all demographic groups, researchers at Rasmussen Reports published the results of a new poll Friday revealing that four out of five Americans would just fucking destroy a pan of brownies. “We found that if given the opportunity, 80 percent of the individuals we surveyed would completely demolish a tray of freshly baked brownies, scarfing down every sweet morsel without hesitation,” said Rasmussen statistician Jennifer Tracy, who added that if respondents had a glass of milk, the vast majority would tear through an entire 8-inch-by-10-inch pan of warm, chewy brownies in 10 minutes flat. “Among those Americans who would flat-out wreck an entire plate of brownies before anyone else even got a chance to touch them, we found that three quarters would not stop eating the baked fudgy dessert until there was nothing left behind but a few crumbs, and roughly half would continue housing the whole damn pan of chocolatey treats even when they started feeling sick.” The poll also found that an equal percentage of Americans would burn the shit out of their mouths attempting to wolf down hot brownies straight from the oven.

 

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Curling a gallon of milk in each hand deserves a dietary supplement to compliment it. Show no weakness as you face your reflection in the bottom of the pan.

CreamySoda2 Absolutely true.

andashd

Havoc06 Ate a cake pan of brownies. Threw up. 10/10 would do again.

I would!

Especially, here, in Colorado...

Hate to tell you this but it's actually closer to 100% FakeNews

Normal or pot?

That percentage seems low

Only if it had frosting on them.

I thought the onion only did satire

I have done that before

IAmThe80Percent

Give me those crispy corners

I thought the onion was supposed to be false🤔

The Onion couldn't afford baking real brownies on a table of a stranger's house, so they photoshopped it instead

Most truth in news I've heard all year OnionForPresident2020

drewmagary melodic_failure

81%*

Can confirm

Come on get in touch. Another MSM fairytale 🙄

KanKanDances ko_cloverava

BumpinUtleys Coincidence much?

Every chance I get! 😄

Not only Americans

This is the news I come here for.

Thought the Onion was supposed to be fake articles?

Side effect

drewmagary Hold my Milk.

cookspeaktom I would 100% be in that 80%

Brownies don't actually taste that good...?

😋😋😋

Always leave one.

Finally, good news for once.

80%... 80%?! ..What about the other brownie-hating 20%, huh?! Shame on them!

MeganCrush

idk Are they cake-like or chewy?

I would

No question.

80% of statistics are false

And then sit back talkin' about, 'Damn.....I wish I had another pan of those.'

Bitch, I’m cooking brownies right now.

A a Republican Vulture capitalist an immigrant and Maga voter sit down with a pan of 9 brownies Republican vulture takes 8 brownies .....then hands the immigrant and Maga voter half a brownie. When the immigrant isn’t listening the Vulture steals Magas and blames the immigrant

I would

Put some cream cheese frosting on those and then we can talk.

Legal weed has caused number to rise

D_Nates lyssalou412

Yup

give me 2

Did we leave out something...

Why bother slicing that? Just add some ice-cream, chocolate sauce and some whipped cream!

I would to. It bit me

An oldie but a goodie.

I feel seen

Yessssss ........ just yes. Both with ....... and without a gallon of ICE COLD WHOLE MILK

20% of people would just walk away.

No news there.

Alyciajoybadger

Brownies are boring

And why not? DEFEAT ALL BROWNIES FOR GREAT JUSTICE

I wonder how this translates to pro-weed demographics 🤔

Incredible timing

same but 2 hours later is always an issue

This is the loudest I have laughed all day . Oh I needed that 😄

✋🏻

Only 80

Only 80%?

Would. Did....😋

Not just Americans, c'mon!

this is the one time i've seen a satirical article and 100% agree with it.

Only 80%?

I thought Americans liked brownies

Too true

This is the only funny shit on Twitter

Even better if he delivers them

This is accurate for Brits too.

Yessir

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