NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018

📆 4/8/2020 3:51 PM
📰 TheOnion

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CAPE CANAVERAL—Calling it the first purely revenge-based mission to ever be attempted on the red planet, NASA officials announced Wednesday the successful launch of the Vengeance Rover to pay back Mars for killing Opportunity back in 2018. “This is a historic launch that will bring our administration closer to the goal of getting sweet vengeance on Mars for what it did to the Opportunity Rover back in 2018—you hear that, you son of a bitch? We’re coming for you,” said agency administrator Jim Bridenstein of the dual turret and nuclear rocket-mounted robotic rover, noting that the entirely bulletproof Vengeance carried enough firepower to “unleash holy hell on Mars and then some” on a mission that they speculated would need to last over five years to satisfy the administration’s desire for righteous bloodshed against the fourth planet from the sun. “Ever since that cruel dust storm in June 2018 tragically ended the Opportunity Rover’s mission, we’ve been biding our time and waiting for the perfect moment to get even with this ugly red bastard. And that moment has finally come. Or maybe you thought we forgot, you stupid fuck? No, NASA never forgets. It just smiles and waves, and then it builds a near-indestructible rover that gets even with a hydrogen bomb delivered to your impact crater when you least expect it.” At press time, Bridenstein speculated that the Vengeance Rover would be able to reign down hellfire on Mars indefinitely without maintenance due to its being powered exclusively by sheer malice and spite.

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SeanTheProducr Attn stuartgary

Locked and loaded

ROTFLMAO!!!!!

ThomasMoszczuk Rei_Da_Praia

Yeah wt dis. I say mars, ain't no mercy. Gotta destroy.

Ahh yes. I see that DOOM Eternal:The Real Life Experience will in fact be operated by Vengance. Good cast lineup so far.

Cosmic_Penguin Rosalind Franklin Will Have Her Revenge On Oxia Planum.

🙏🙏

but theres no oil on mars

TomHeartsTanks thought you might like, despite lack of tracks.

Lol

elonmusk Are you going to launch this rover to Mars on a Starship?

Stupid Mars!

robert_zubrin 🤣

eggfucker17 Whether we wanted it or not, we've stepped into a war with the Cabal on Mars. So let's get to taking out their command, one by one. Valus Ta'aurc. From what I can gather he commands the Siege Dancers from an Imperial Land Tank outside of Rubicon. (...)

😂😂😂😂😂😂

RogueNASA They trying to star a war up there or something, it’s like a terminator machine, look at it!!!

'2018'

rip and tear

THIS TIME, IT'S PERSONAL

robert_zubrin elonmusk Test payload for Starship?

MonicaLewinsky Thanks, SpaceForce!

MarkRober 🧐

Woooooooow

“NASA never forgets.” That should be on the logo. They’d probably get more funding.

'AMEE, what you wanna do? I think I could stay with you, For a while, maybe lon ...' --END TRANSMISSION--

🤣 war is the motor of economical growth. They're mad, the romans.

RogueNASA Spirit be like:

RogueNASA LEGOIdeas 👀

MorseLyA 'I've got your God Of War right *HERE,* Big Red!' 🤣

😂😂😂 damn certain humans even want to rage war on an empty planet😂😂😂

Behold! The birth of the first Terminator!

. kinda looks like the Terminator is driving it

dolske About damn time, we'll show those martians!

Slayer would definitely let Vega drive this.

We gonna get you Mars, you hear me!? we're gonna get you!

Clint_Matos 😂

Vengeance is going to Mars to do science & kick some ass - and it's all out of science!

Red Planet.. Pssshhh More like Dead Planet. Go gettem Vengeance!

Gone but never forgotten

Is there a “national security payload” launching with Perseverance in July JimBridenstine? 🧐

“Calling it the first purely revenge-based mission” I’m glad I’ve started reading the stories lately. SupportGoodJournalism NoAdBlock

Hopefully this rover will also get revenge on behalf of Zond 2, Mars 6, Mars Observer, Nozomi, Mars Climate Orbiter, Mars Polar Lander, Beagle 2, Schiaparelli, and all the other failed Mars missions.

It was 2019, not 2018

Give that bastard planet hell buddy

I love the ...

'SPAAAAAACEE FOOOOOOORRCEE!!!' cried the pre-recorded audio as it hurtled through the atmosphere

whoever edited the model and made this render did a damn amazing job. get em, Vengeance

16N1K4 This has some Venus probe vibes to it

Big Johnny-5 vibes

Brought to you courtesy of the red white and blue

🤣🤣

Get it

Haha Paybacks a Bitch Morherfucker! Love that chainsaw!

Clearly, ordered by Donald Trump

V-1000

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