Science & Technology, Science, Space, Nasa, Vol 53 Issue 29

Science & Technology, Science

NASA Announces Selection Of Two Hot, Ripped Astronauts For Man-On-Man Mission To Mars

NASA Announces Selection Of Two Hot, Ripped Astronauts For Man-On-Man Mission To Mars

9/25/2021 7:45:00 PM

NASA Announces Selection Of Two Hot, Ripped Astronauts For Man-On-Man Mission To Mars

HOUSTON—After an exhaustive 18-month evaluation process in which an applicant pool of hundreds was narrowed down to the two very buffest candidates, NASA announced Friday that it had chosen a pair of hot, ripped astronauts to take part in the first-ever man-on-man mission to Mars.

Shirtless and oiled-up for their appearance before the press, former Air Force captain Stephen Dunhill and Malibu, CA lifeguard Blake Brawner were introduced by officials who said the two tanned studs had completed an Astronaut Corps training program that pushed them to their mental, physical, and carnal limits. NASA confirmed that the two mouthwatering male specimens possessed both the courage and the raw, insatiable lust needed to complete the landmark mission.

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“For centuries, humanity has gazed up at the bright red planet in the night sky and dreamed of putting a man on a man on Mars,” said NASA acting administrator Robert Lightfoot Jr., explaining that the agency was confident the two hard-bodied astronauts could endure the harsh conditions and constant thrusting the six-year roundtrip mission will require. “As they explore the planet and each other’s chiseled bodies during this mission, these two slabs of prime beefcake will advance our understanding of the universe and bring us one step closer to the day when humans build a civilization on another planet and then fuck each other hard.”

Advertisement“These brave, horny muscleboys will be true pioneers,” Lightfoot added.Having received more than 800 résumés and modeling portfolios, officials said they invited the 25 hunkiest applicants to the Johnson Space Center for medical exams to confirm they met stringent requirements for height, weight, visual acuity, testosterone levels, and pectoral circumference. Those candidates certified as sufficiently Adonis-like and hungry for cock then reportedly participated in a flight simulation inside a replica of NASA’s new

Penetratorspacecraft, which has been built for the man-on-man mission’s planned launch in 2020.G/O Media may get a commissionAccording to sources, the prospective astronauts underwent grueling tests in which they were observed as they piloted the model spacecraft, maneuvered through the cramped cabin to check instrument panels while executing seamless reach-arounds, responded to simulated emergency scenarios, and negotiated the delicate entry into Mars’ atmosphere while having their testicles played with.

NASA representatives noted that candidates were also strapped to a gyroscope in the 69 position to evaluate their ability to simultaneously perform and receive oral sex while spinning rapidly along multiple axes.Advertisement“Throughout the journey, from launch to landing, we’ll be following the

Penetrator’s progress along its charted course and monitoring the crew’s vital signs, including their libido level and recovery time between spectacular climaxes,” said Lightfoot, adding that Mission Control will know immediately if, for example, the men’s advanced blowjob techniques do not function as anticipated in a zero-gravity environment. “Once on Mars, the astronauts will set up their habitation module and fix any mechanical issues with its oxygen generator, fuck swing, or water purifier.”

The acting head of NASA went on to detail other preparations for the mission, such as making sure the ship’s payload contained adequate supplies of the calorie-rich foods formulated to quickly re-energize the men after each round of vigorous mind-blowing sex. On the planet’s surface, the astronauts will reportedly conduct scientific tests, collect soil samples, and, once they are sealed safely back inside the airlock, rip each other’s spacesuits off so they can immediately resume sucking and fucking.

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AdvertisementLightfoot praised the two luscious pieces of top-shelf manflesh who stood beside him at the press conference, observing that Dunhill, a decorated pilot, skilled engineer, and fellatio expert with steely blue eyes and six-pack abs, and Brawner, a part-time personal trainer with a chiseled jawline and a 10-inch penis, passed the training program “with flying colors.”

“Soon mankind will embark upon a new frontier, one that many of us have waited for our whole lives,” Lightfoot said. “For those of you who want to follow the progress of our astronauts during their historic journey, please note that a continuous POV live feed will be available on NASA’s website.”

Read more: The Onion »

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Mars ain't no kind of place to raise your kids; in fact it's hot as hell. Grrrrr! Why not try to Superman's They’re going to Uranus? northmanlogging Thank you for bringing this to my attention. AlexanderPayton Well...that's very interesting. Houston we're coming in for docking. This will be the sequel to Brokeback Mountain?

Silence of the lambs are they good looking? mars emperor is not going to accept bad looking humans out there. he already said so, but wondering what are they going to be competing about and around out there? competition on mars will suck for real 😮 not to many followers? so sorry for the emperor 🥲

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Passe... I already visited Mars... Brokeback Martian 😂😂😂😂 Make space travel sexy! Is AlexanderPayton moonlighting for the Onion now? Space Force reconsiders recently unveiled uniform, noting,'No alien would be sexually attracted to our men and women wearing that hot mess.' Yawn. Wake me when the first non-binary trans and whatever the Q is mission to Uranus is.

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Apollo 13 Inches 😳 Who needs toxic masculinity when you got male love enroute to the planet named after the god of war? I’d pump endless quarters in the slot to see that “battle”. catmancatman864 HAHA LOL URANUS 😂😂😂 … i’m so lonely Gonna visit Uranus, huh? 'Among other tests, the two astronauts will investigate whether the negligible atmospheric pressure on Mars will allow erections to remain rock-hard for longer periods of time.'

Good luck Mike! 🤣 this is what the Space Force should have been Finally!

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This is what representation is about the red planet? more like, the shred planet. I already know what joke is going to be made at least a few times in the comments, so allow me to just sigh in advance.

Positioning the Agency for Future Success on This Week @NASA – September 24, 2021We selected a landing site for our robotic lunar rover; the Earth-observing satellite Landsat 9 prepares for liftoff; and we geared up for the future of human spaceflight exploration. All this & more on this episode of This Week NASA : Where? Castlemilk Nasa im tired of Earth. Please take me to Jupiter 🙏😔 نداء عاجل إلى ناسا الفضائية،خذوني معكم إلى أقرب رحلة إلى الفضاء أو ضعوني في إحدى الثقوب السوداء،مليت من كوكب الأرض ولكم مني جزيل الشكر والعرفان😭

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Man Growing Terrified Something Happened To Dad After Not Receiving ‘Only Murders In The Building’ RecommendationMILWAUKEE—Trying not to picture his father hurt or incapacitated, local man Eamon Pike was reportedly growing terrified Thursday that something had happened to his dad after still not receiving a recommendation for the new Hulu series Only Murders In The Building. “For the first couple weeks I figured he just hadn’t… 😄Hey! I like Only Murders In The Building. OnlyMurdersInTheBuilding the relevance Meh. Dad has better taste than you think.