I am a very healthy 37-year-old straight male. I grew up in an evangelical household where I was given a purity ring when I turned 12 and given the instructions that I needed to save myself for marriage, not look at porn, and, of course, never masturbate. The shame baked into the system is a feature, not a bug.
But! Thanks to the magic of dating apps, I’ve also had many chances to get out and explore life post–purity culture, and there’s a lot to explore. The problem I keep encountering is that when I find myself in a sexual situation, I get into my head too much and worry about maintaining an erection, which is obviously unhelpful. In each of my first four hookups I’ve experienced ED, which is embarrassing and also causing problems in my most recent hookup/relationship.
I hope you can help me figure something out. I am a 47-year-old woman who always seems to get caught up with guys who are either married or in long-term relationships they are not looking to change or end, but want some side action. The physical chemistry with some of these guys has been intense and leaves me craving more. Though most of the time we spend our time covertly, other times not so much.
Now that COVID put a halt to me socializing and dating, I find myself incredibly lonely in that way and sometimes hook up with these guys out of feeling this way and when self-pleasure isn’t enough. Afterwards I feel worse: unhappy, regretful, and remorseful. I also feel angry and jealous knowing they are going home to someone else. I wake up alone and spend a majority of my downtime this way as well.
It doesn’t sound like these are consensually nonmonogamous scenarios, but since you are OK with your partners having other partners, have you thought about giving polyamory a shot? People in poly communities are often looking for romantic love, and such groups would provide a social outlet in which you could meet potential partners. Polyamory may not be for you—only you can determine that—but some sort of nonmonogamous scene might be worth exploring.
Goid fucking christ.
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