More Corporations Using Tag And Release Programs To Study American Consumers
NEW YORK—In an effort to more closely observe the group’s buying habits and personal behaviors, a growing number of corporations are turning to tag and release programs to study American consumers, sources confirmed Friday.
Claiming that every effort is taken to employ humane handling procedures and inflict minimal trauma, marketing associates stressed that consumers always wake up in the same clothing department or mini mall in which they were found, and most obliviously resume their browsing of store shelves within 30 minutes of being sedated.
Researchers affirmed they have become increasingly interested in valuable targets such as college graduates who allot more than $500 per month to discretionary purchases, saying they have become fascinated by the group’s herd-like movements to Panera Bread and IKEA as well as their ritual use of products such as Swiffers and tablets. By monitoring these consumers as they feed, groom, use their rewards cards, and mate, marketers acknowledged they have amassed a tremendous amount of useful knowledge.
Advertisement“Just last month we collar-tagged a prime specimen of a variety we’d been attempting to capture for a very long time,” said BMW marketing executive Samantha Barlow, referring to a suburban mother in her late 40s who was found gathering bunches of watercress and beet greens at a Whole Foods, where her precise weekly route through the aisles has now been recorded and analyzed. “And we finally have geolocators implanted in several dozen young professionals aged 25 to 35, whose consumption of products such as Stella Artois, Hugo Boss apparel, and designer colognes suggest they’ll provide us with fruitful data for years to come.” headtopics.com
“It’s important that we tag them early in the development of their buying habits,” Barlow added. “Obviously, once they reach 65, they become useless for our purposes and we remove their tags, or just let them chew them off.”AdvertisementDespite the success of their tracking programs, researchers admitted their work has been hindered by limits in their methodology, noting that they are unable to observe any quantifiable activity from as many as a quarter of their tagged targets who remain sedentary almost around the clock and rarely leave their dens. Marketers noted these larger, slower specimens must often be hit with two or three darts before they can be safely approached.
“A large portion of our targets are fast food consumers, and you’ll lose 10 or 12 percent of those each year, usually to heart disease,” said Jonathan Lockhart, an independent marketing consultant. “You hate to see that, but the upside is that we get useful data we can then turn around and sell to pharmaceutical companies.”
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LERN_BABY_LERN lol This is so close to the mark it's not 'the onion' kind of funny. I'm in retail. In a store sales meeting my boss took me to task for shopping in so many company stores it was hard to track me. Statistics were never my thing. RIP that Jewels. Actually it was a piece of shit. . Standard smart phone in pocket is sufficient
Whatever happened to cookies? Good! That’s much more humane The intentions of companies like neuralink should be scrutinized within the context of shoshanazuboff's eightfold definition of surveillance capitalism. SeeleSays So that’s what that thing is. I thought that ear tag would come off in the shower days ago.
Not enough people were completing the online survey, had to resort to tranq darts
'Pay your fair share': Biden argues for raising taxes of corporations and the wealthyPresident Biden discussed his administration's plans for the economy and argued for increasing taxes on the wealthiest Americans and big corporations and called on them to 'start paying their fair share.' A truly remarkably dishonest statement. Maybe the IRS needs to be held accountable for some of this criminal activity. Reporting that it happens isn't the same as justice. If the top 1% who legally 'evade' taxes by using the tax code, 'owe' taxes, that means that all the mortgage owners who legally deducted their interest payments, probably including Biden himself, also 'owe' taxes.
🎯 ChiPartyAunt is gonna be sad to see her Jewels does this jewelosco 🤣 PressSec her first job A man was literally shot and killed at the Jewel's parking lot this Friday. Put some vax in those darts and then you’ve getting somewhere I did lose an hour after leaving Walmart yesterday. “What are they..” “Onion.”
Data is the new oil Walmart I want to be a stock photo model for the Onion
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That pic is so old. That Jewel got demo’ed and turned into a fancy Jewel. When data-hoovering just isn't enough... Literally the CIA during the UFO craze Clark & Division Jewel 🤣 should we tell people about 'third-party' cookies... The Onion articles have been too prescient for me to be with this one. Hey that is my old jewel!
As long as they don’t tag us and bag us I am fine with this. INSANITY! Next thing you know they'll be analyzing our every move on the internet. Typically love the Onion tweets, but the image with this one doesn't work after the King Soopers shooting in Boulder.
Apple vs. Epic ruling reveals 70% of App Store revenue comes from a small fraction of customers playing gamesGaming apps account for approximately 70% of all App Store revenue, according to the Apple vs. Epic ruling. Jesus .. $35 $156 on iPhone 13 hype $aapl never been sold off so much 😭 This makes sense now. EPIC ruling is massive indicator for future. What a waste of time.
Is that ChiPartyAunt ? “Yeah I see it. My job description as cart collector does not include disarming dudes of their rifles.” I draw the line when going to the store and being asked for urine and fecal samples. I really don't want to walk back out to the car to get them out of the trunk. Jewel please stop or I'll be forced to shop at Whole Foods
Otherwise known as the opioid epidemic. lol jewelosco 🤣🤣🤣 🔥The most legendary EVENT 🎁 has started. We prepared for it for a long time!!! ▶️
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