MLB Beginning To Suspect Pirates Just A Mob Front

📆 1/15/2021 7:31 PM
📰 TheOnion

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PITTSBURGH—Speculating as to how the listless franchise has still managed to stay open all these years, sources close to the MLB confirmed Friday that the league has begun to suspect the Pittsburgh Pirates are just a mob front. “It must be some kind of money-laundering operation, because they’re clearly doing the bare minimum to keep that place open,” said Commissioner Rob Manfred, pointing to the fact the team remains fully staffed despite any tangible success in the last four decades as proof they are at the very least selling drugs in the back of the stadium. “I’m not sure how they were even able to afford such a nice place when they hardly win games. It’s empty and super creepy all the time, even at the height of the season. If you walk up and ask for a ticket, they give you a weird look, like they clearly are not expecting real customers. I don’t know how they make any money—they can’t be funding this whole thing on hotdog sales alone.” At press time, the Pirates announced plans to cease baseball operations in favor of a new dry-cleaning service. \n

laundering operation, because they’re clearly doing the bare minimum to keep that place open,” said C ommissioner Rob Manfred, pointing to the fact the team remains fully staffed despite any tangible success in the last four decades as proof they are at the very least selling drugs in the back of the stadium. “I’m not sure how they were even able to afford such a nice place when they hardly win games. It’s empty and super creepy all the time, even at the height of the season. If you walk up and ask for a ticket, they give you a weird look, like they clearly are not expecting real customers.

Write Comment

MeekPhill_ DougFairchild

Yeah right. If it was a front, I'm sure it would be ran as a winning organization. Them being losers ever season draws the wrong attention.

Dameshek

Funny story, you had me for a minute, close to open a 😂dry cleaning services

jammin230

This is even more sus as somehow the Pirates were able to use international signing money to sign Luigi Hernandez from Bronx, NY.... I bet that is not even his real name!

🤣🤣

Cocaine baselines. Hide it in plain sight! Brilliant!!

Even though this is coming from the onion it wouldn't shock me

Cc: AnthraxJones

Shhhhhh, don't get away our cover in the left field bleachers.

FollowTheMoney? 😳16 years old ⤵️

Pirates & Steelers It's almost like they didn't even try to hide

what does that make the marlins?

ohip13 The Parrot did not have splitting the cocaine proceeds with the Pirates in the contract. And then there was the fed court nastiness.

UrinatingTree

timbhealey DoubleParmDaddy

That explains Tony Soprano Bobblehead Night

My pillow guy and the mascot both liked cocaine ?

Jewelers are gonna sue MLB to get their Diamond back

UrinatingTree you have a part in this mob of tanking

The Mattress Firm of baseball franchises.

We have been on that tiff for years....glad someone noticed.

I mean the mascot was dealing coke that one time...

amatetic

As a Pirates fan, I feel both attacked and seen

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