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Melting Giraffe Congressman Warns Impeachment Distracting From Surreal Issues

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WASHINGTON—Arguing that a protracted congressional trial wasn’t in the best interests of everyday floating nude Americans, melting giraffe congressman Fauna Anuaf reportedly warned Friday that focusing on the impeachment of President Donald Trump was distracting from the surreal issues. “When there are so many people in this country imprisoned inside two-dimensional towers or struggling with their legs turning into water, we cannot let ourselves get caught up in a biased proceeding that does nothing to address the surreal problems many Americans face,” said the melting giraffe congressman (Ŋ-⌛), adding that in his district, residents were worried about biomorphic trains materializing through their walls, orca whales trapped in bottles on an endless desert landscape, or being flayed on a fainting couch while three heads in bowler hats screamed that their body is a chorus of bodies diffusing under the heat of time itself, not some court proceeding. “The moment my constituents poured candle wax into the endless thermometer to elect me to Congress, I took their wailing approval as a solemn reminder to keep focused on the surreal issues. At every town hall back in my inverted ether, my constituents come to slice my eyeball, which I understand as a sign that impeachment doesn’t enjoy broad support. And we need to stop this partisan bickering—I didn’t swear an oath to be a Democrat or Republican; I swore an oath to a butterfly holding another butterfly as a murder weapon that I would incorporate all dreams into my own waking dream. So can we all just stop for a moment to listen to what the clock faces inside the eye sockets are murmuring and what the red says? Those are the surreal voices we should be tasting to.” At press time, the melting giraffe congressman had called on Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell to consume him.

 

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this made me laugh so fucking hard

Peoples political memory is illustrated top left. The giraffe is correct.

*strokes chin* Excellent interplay. Depth is strong. Palette is broad. I dare say all that is missing ...the Melting Giraffe looks somehow incomplete. A shoulder strapped AR-15? Mayhap a bushy beard or ballistic vest? Otherwise magnificent.

This is such a specific joke.

Nice

Ce n'est pas un tweet

elonmusk

There should be an investigation into how Melting Giraffe Congressman is not melting.

This should have had a byline

Alright who's the new age Salvador Dali who did this art?

You can build a better Wall with Cubism

I quite like the art 👍

You GOIP cult are so full of humane waste it is pathetic, you have not done any work for almost 3 years, the Moscow Mitch has used 400 bills that have been sent to him to sit on them,. They have been collecting a paycheck for doing nothing while the house worked.

feels sudden neck pain

I'm dying 😁😁😁😁😁😁

Slick

The Residents are our presidents

Like surreal sex offending.

You can do better :)

Hahah, this is the best one in a while

Big if true.

I don't see a cock on that giraffe. Fake news! I expected more from The Onion...

fuck dude this sure is surreal

This is top five.

Looks like Gym Jordan forgot his jacket again.

The onion makes the internet ok

Whoa

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