Maybe You're Not as Guilty as You Feel

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'It’s a common cliché that there’s a lot of parent-bashing in therapy. But from my thirty-plus years as a therapist, I have found that most people actually view their parents positively, or at least they feel guilty expressing negative feelings.'

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Guilt is the voice of your conscience telling you that you’ve “done wrong.” While it’s important to listen to it, you would be wise to consider whether its assessments are accurate. Too often, when people see others suffering, they feel sad, register it as feeling “bad”, which they interpret as being guilty. In an instant, feeling sympathy (a caring reaction) is interpreted as feeling guilty (a cause for self-criticism).

Are you simply feeling upset that the person is hurting, or wishing that you could have prevented it? Stated more directly, many people miss the very important distinction between responsibility and guilt. It’s a difference that can be particularly difficult to make because they so very much don’t want to hurt others, especially those whom they love. Having some responsibility for events that lead to a loved one’s distress can be upsetting, but it is not the same as being guilty of doing something wrong.

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