KEY WEST, FL—Midway through his weeklong Florida vacation, Salt Lake City resident Travis Lawson reportedly panicked today upon suddenly realizing he hadn’t arranged for anyone to feed his hostages while he was out of town.
“Oh man, I was in such a hurry to hit the road, I totally forgot to have someone come over to my place and make sure Dennis, Jean, and Carly get their daily meal,” Lawson told reporters, referring to his three neglected captives, one of whom, their captor lamented, had nobody to administer her insulin shots. “Just thinking about them all alone and scared, locked in their cages, not knowing if I’ll ever come back—it makes me feel awful. I don’t even think there’s any water in their bowls.
my blind-ass thought this was a horse
I always fill the trough with Cheerios before taking a vacation
🤔🤔🤔
This one should have been retired long ago, like last month.
Get it together man
.jerma985
He should write these things down!
Yes
The Onion, but it’s an article about Andrew Tate.
Might be the tough love those hostages need to finally think for themselves and escape.
I think we’ve all been there, amiright?
This is why I have Kobolds
It's happened to all of us at one point or another.
It happens. You just get back up on your horse and get you some new hostages.
'Hmmm... it'll be fine. One of them will survive by eating the others.' -Man On Vacation, probably
can't stress over everything.. professional kidnappers need work-life balance too.
Left the kids at home
Don’t worry, there’s still a silver lining! When you return, you’ll see that only those who devoured their fellow inmates survived! This leaves yoi with the cream of the crop and you’re ready to do whatever you want!
Hopefully a few will make it till he gets back
Happened to me once, lost 20 of them.
🕊️ we’ll die in peace when our food is finished hostagesituation lostbeliefs
I think that's the darkest I've ever seen 'The Onion' go. I'm not mad at ya.
Temp folder horrors...
i think rover has an option for pet sitting
They don’t mention that in the kidnapping pamphlets
I hate when that happens, but I realized it just adds to their desperation! ☺️
I wrote down the security code on a sticky note and I can't find it ANYWHERE! My bad!
Why does he need a towel? 🤔
Relatable
So, he was on vacation having fun and then suddenly he went like
This is why I run a hostage feeding service staffed by convicted ex-Republican/Trumper, which is currently 378,416 people. We also offer Russian disinfo continuity services for vacationing hackers, to feed Tucker, Rogan & the other useful tools-for-life!
Doordash.
Could’ve been “man taking child to school realizes he left door unlocked for his basement slave.”
I pay the kid on the corner to feed mine when I get away for the weekend.
🤦🏻♂️ I wonder what is he doing with the hostages? 🤔
Shit I hate when that happens
Thank you for reminding me 😅
Thanks for accurately identifying incel tweeter twerps
That headline escalated very quickly
Rookie
Not funny 😒
This will be HuntreCKeip someday.
Dudes been on vacation for 8 years
Hate when that happens
The Florida man attacks again 😆
Their skins will get looser…
It’s funny because who can afford a vacation
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