CLEVELAND—Expressing relief that the winter activity wasn’t nearly as hard as it looked, local man Noah Maxwell was reportedly really getting the hang of clutching the wall Wednesday during his first time ever ice skating. “At first,
I was pretty nervous, but after getting a few fundamentals down, I realized the trick is to just cling to get anything solid you can get your hands on—also don’t let go, that’s important too,” said Maxwell, who boasted he hadn’t fallen a single time since he shuffled a foot onto the ice, felt his legs sliding beneath him, and immediately lunged to the side to bear hug the wall. “It’s crazy to think that just 30 minutes ago I had never stepped onto an ice rink, and just look at me now—I’m really inching along here. This is easy. I’m a natural. Now that I’ve gotten a little confidence, I might even try a face plant.
When I was a kid there was nothing else to do in the winter months. Almost everything involved ice skates unless you played football in the street during winter storms. Isn't 'The Onion' that satire paper?
Since I'm sharing this with my followers-- The Onion is SATIRE. Make sure you mentally note the difference between that and real news.
Me every time I've gone skating.... 😐
And I thought it was just me!
kateturnersays
When I was a kid, I thought that the way to stop skating was to skate into the boards or snow bank. The amount of bruised I got as a result was fun.... 😶 I feel like I should have been like this man instead of doing what I was doing.
Where I'm from your not a man untill this is mastered.
SlowPass
I don't feel personally attacked, but my cousin does.
My ankles just winced.
I like it 🐸 motorfrog
That’s how I still ice skate.
grandpa munger_bean isn't he one my cousin from your side?
🤣🤣🤣
I thought The Onion was supposed to be satire! 😂😂😂
Better clutching the wall than clutching your head after the fall.
I’m sorry, you missed an opportunity in hanging to the wall
This is completely me.
fuck yeah go off Man
Ortho clinics rejoice, try to brainstorm new ways to encourage grown ass adults to try ice skating
PaulRaj12000 PaulRaj12000 you saw me skate
Ouch this one stung
I know this is just a joke, but I don't know many people who when they first put on skates start moving like they have been in the National Hockey League for 16 seasons.
They're more about overall social commentary than strictly satire Sometimes real life is ironic enough without added fictional twists This is from the year 2000 - which now makes it meta-commentary
i asked you not to publish the story: but NOOOOOOO!
Zamboni M.
Did the wall give consent
DuckButterFresh this you the other day? 😂
spiderwomanxoxo
I thought The Onion was supposed to be satire! 😂😂😂
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