Bourne Identity
“I figured I would just type Matt Damon’s name into Google because, to make a long story short, I’m psychologically disturbed and I want to assassinate him,” said the 29-year-old man, who, by his own admission, is extremely unstable and has absolutely no business being anywhere other than a mental institution. “I see him in movies and magazines all the time, and it made me wonder where he lives. I’m also clinically insane. That’s why I want to go there and strangle him to death.
“I was just zooming into Google maps and muttering the words ‘Matt Damon’ to myself over and over—like the deranged individual I am—when I said, ‘Dan, you should drive across the country with your 100DVDs and finally just kill the guy,’” said Easter, adding that he would probably wear Damon’s clothes after he killed him because, let’s face it, he’s crazy. “You know how it is. Or, actually, you probably don’t, because you’re not psychotic like me.
“I’d probably like to murder those people, too,” Easter said. “Anyone affiliated with Matt Damon I want to murder. Maybe I’ll spare Jude Law. Why? I don’t know why. Because when you’re this mentally disturbed, there really is no rhyme or reason to anything.
We’ve all been there
He's Jimmy Kimmel's fan I think 😂
wouldnt it be funny if the onion just started covering real news stories without telling anyone.
alanbino 🤣🤣
😆
Funny
Tell that man he'll never eat lunch in this town again.
damn y'all
Matt Damon!
Who want to murder him? He’s a good fellow
Anyone check to see if jimmykimmel hired this dude?
Please, don't hurt Matt Damon! Stay away from him you weirdo! Leave him alone! So many sick people in the world! What did Matt Damon ever did to you?! I hope Matt Damon has a gun!
That's awful. This man should be arrested immediately. Hope the man is somewhere that Matt Damon can't hurt him
The Onion address
At least he's honest
He may be right..!!
The human condition.
The look in his face 🤣🤣🤣
Is it Jimmy Kimmel?
I just don’t think The Onion writers realize how many times they’ve made my fucking days with these teeets.
My first thought was, did he mention Q?
Uh.. perhaps this isn't satire ?
I'd do it so I can ask him to help me in my acting career. 😁
You think Dan would do that?
There's a support group for that. I think it's covered by ACA....😜
Get some rest, you look tired.
Good, well, hunting.
How 'bout them apples ?
Dude must be friends with jimmykimmel.
Me liking this tweet is not endorsing the murder of Matt Damon by a crazy man. In today’s litigious society I feel like I need to make this clear
After watching’Suburbicon’ I’m not surprised.
sounds reasonable.
the pic
Two words “Jason Bourne”. Give it your best shot tiger
i didnt give you permission to use this picture of me
Looks like Gerard Butler, envying his career.
WTF... who capitalizes each word for no reason?
Pfffttt...
I’ve been to his house, nbd
Who doesnt?
I mean, it IS a punchable face, but a murderable one? Nah. I'd have him at a party.
at least he's not an introvert, then mark ruffalo would be in big trouble
Oughta Save it all for Wahlberg
So that’s what Jimmy Kimmel’s taking a break for
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