Vol 56 Issue 47, Fast Food, Food, Holidays, Thanksgiving

Vol 56 Issue 47, Fast Food

Man Getting High And Eating Taco Bell Thousands Of Miles Away From Family Having Best Thanksgiving Of Life

Man Getting High And Eating Taco Bell Thousands Of Miles Away From Family Having Best Thanksgiving Of Life

11/26/2020 9:30:00 PM

Man Getting High And Eating Taco Bell Thousands Of Miles Away From Family Having Best Thanksgiving Of Life

SAN DIEGO—Lying on the couch in his cramped, poorly lit apartment, local man Mark Borkowski was reportedly having the best Thanksgiving of his life Thursday while getting high and eating Taco Bell thousands of miles away from his family. “Wow, I never knew this holiday could be so genuinely wonderful,” said Borkowski, sitting alone with a glass pipe in one hand and a chalupa in the other as he watched episodes of How I Met Your Mother on his laptop. “The Taco Bell guy got my order pretty much right, and I still have plenty of weed. Meanwhile, my parents are on the other side of the country and in a totally different timezone, so our entire interaction this year was a five-minute phone call while I packed this bowl. There truly is so much to be thankful for.” At press time, sources confirmed an elated Borkowski was reflecting on the likelihood that this year his Christmas wish would come true and he’d spend the holiday getting totally shitfaced on vodka. \n

SAN DIEGO—Lying on the couch in his cramped, poorly lit apartment, local man Mark Borkowski was reportedly having the best Thanksgiving of his life Thursday while getting high and eating Taco Bell thousands of miles away from his family. “Wow, I never knew this holiday could be so genuinely wonderful,” said Borkowski, sitting alone with a glass pipe in one hand and a chalupa in the other as he watched episodes of

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How I Met Your Motheron his laptop. “The Taco Bell guy got my order pretty much right, and I still have plenty of weed. Meanwhile, my parents are on the other side of the country and in a totally different timezone, so our entire interaction this year was a five-minute phone call while I packed this bowl. There truly is so much to be thankful for.” At press time, sources confirmed an elated Borkowski was reflecting on the likelihood that this year his Christmas wish would come true and he’d spend the holiday getting totally shitfaced on vodka.

Read more: The Onion »

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SethMacFarlane family guy😊😊 😂😂😅😥😰😖😣😭😵😬 SethMacFarlane SethMacFarlane yesterday (in an old interview) I happened to hear you tell that story about your ‘mum’s teenager days story’ she told you, your dad & sister at a thanksgiving dinner once.. and OMG Seth!🙊🙈😳😮😂🤣😂 YogatryOne Yay! ProducerCody Oh abso-freaky-lutely!!

SethMacFarlane Awesome SethMacFarlane Miss your live shows... WhatTedSaid does too 💔💔💔 SethMacFarlane SethMacFarlane How Seth spent Thanksgiving2020 SethMacFarlane 🔥 Life imitates Art... FinisimaPersona Sounds familiar to me... SethMacFarlane He reminds me of Wil Wheaton...but I can't picture Wil doing this?🤔😏🖖

I totally agree with this satire SethMacFarlane Happy Thanksgiving SethMacFarlane 😉 Happy Thanksgiving CurbYourEnthusiasm LarryDavidof 9seasons of unscripted fun. It's in the air . macys LauraSeydel TedTurnerIII TheJackieBrown9 SethMacFarlane sitting high on the couch, eating tacos, far away from family is always less stressful than sitting with them at the table. I love my family, but i totally agree

SethMacFarlane This is what responsibility looks like!! Taco bell was closed for Thanksgiving 😔 I can sooo relate! michaeldweiss Sounds like a win-win strategy. cryptnick_ theonion how excited are you that 2 months from now your articles will be satire again? SethMacFarlane Wish I had weed on Thanksgiving. Lol

SethMacFarlane Generally, those that enjoy a fast-food, lazy-as-hell, ..cough Thanksgiving, have never lifted a finger to help make the meal or done all that work for anyone else. It’s a Giving thing. Lost on today’s youth. SethMacFarlane Just sit on your couch getting high and ordering overpriced fast food delivery. Consume content and don't pay attention to anything but the next marvel movie. This is progress for humans.

SethMacFarlane Every true stoner knows you don’t hit and just hold the pipe in your lap like that, you’re going to forget it’s there and when you move spill the bowl or worse drop and break your piece SethMacFarlane Sounds awesome...specifically excluding THE 'getting high' part. The worst part? I KNOW is SPECIFICALLY intended as satire...but this right here? THIS, is actually MY REAL LIFE! OK, maybe not LITERALLY, but metaphorically thousands of miles away. Close enough.

SethMacFarlane 😂 SethMacFarlane Omg that is hilarious! SethMacFarlane most of my family smokes so I missed out on a pretty good fall harvest SethMacFarlane No drama lol!!😂 SethMacFarlane 😂😂 SethMacFarlane 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 jaketapper Yes! I missed my family, but it was the least stressful Thanksgiving dinner ever.

prettybinladen What a loser! redboii420 hey u made headlines I wish this was me That's a true Democrat right there. This would have been me but the dispensary was closed and I already had a thawed turkey. 😭 Family eating tofurkey Taco Bell? Gross! Everything else seems great. abhifusion Omg, that is so true......sometimes holidays can be so uncomfortable!

I miss my family. Hahahaa 👏🏻 I never thought I’d see the day when people risked a deadly virus to have a teenager prepare their meal. Mr_Scorpio unormal Friends are just people you haven't got to know well enough. tommiesunshine Fuck ya I had a great day Man's living his best life and I can't blame him

CPostcapitalism Why is it communists always hate their family? IanECox Welcome to my (make believe) world!?! This is not satire. This is facts.😂 Oh wow that is horrible sounds terribly sad ...........cause Taco Bell got rid of shredded Chicken quesadillas on value menu But seriously, one of the best Christmases I ever had was completely by myself. I cooked ham, stuffing, and scalloped potatoes, and played video games the whole damn day.

Taco Bell is sad Living the Thanksgiving dream. tommatzzie loser Husband & I made Asian rice bowls and smoked between bouts of video games in our pajamas. Five minute FaceTime to folks back in Midwest was more than enough to remind us why we glad to be quarantined this year. I'm very happy you guys have been able to survive the last 4 years. I look forward to you being the most outrageous, unbelievable stories in the future, not our President.

Sonofabitch I'm in. I am envious Holy shit!!! I feel called out... I mean, it's not Taco Bell, but close enough! Whos the photographer of this pic. Lmk 😂😂😂 🤣🤣🤣 jaketapper Sounds like your to broke to buy the ticket to see them. Sorry , should have text me, would have pitched in. This is so not true. He'd be in the bathroom with the shits before his high kicked in or too stoned to get off the couch while he shits his pants. Both of those do not make the best Thanksgiving.

Me rn scottyfreeman3 Tweet of the day! 🤣 😂 Bring back Fire Roasted Sauce! 😂 MattMcMuscles God, I wish that was me. Seriously An obligatory family hang and I dont even get presents?! Hard pass JamesKobacker shxwntino jaketapper Sometimes getting distance from your family is something to be thankful for.

KenScottOlson Good time yes BUT Hopefully Not the Best ever Borcnation aj2w Borkowski lol. Happy thanksgiving! Had turkey nachos. Thanksgiving2020 Love my family, but honestly, cooking for hours, and washing dishes for an hour, after they eat less than a third of it, is not fun anymore. Eunaofumodroga

This is no satire, I promise you. He is the real MVP. Except the Taco Bell seems like a good place to be in You’re high but safe from Corona, good for you! True News 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 'Meanwhile, my parents are on the other side of the country and in a totally different timezone, so our entire interaction this year was a five-minute phone call while I packed this bowl. There truly is so much to be thankful for.”

I don’t understand, this is a true story. Why is posting it? Haha! Preach the42questions this guy is living the dream. aschuman This is hilarious MichaelHinni stevebuscemily DanManCarney taraleeco nikonislove MurdaMayne17 lol tacobell can have that effect on you.... Is that Wil Wheaton? wilw He won't have the best day after Thanksgiving if he's eating Taco Bell.

How is this an Onion article? Not the Onion ;) Lol 🤣🤣🤣❤️ shrink4men Nice...families eh? My dad dying. But hanging in there. Raced around him to find care out of hospital. Found perfect place. Sister in law steps in sez she's found alternate. F off insay. Nah, insisted on family meeting. Sigh... So true

Whoa whoa whoa, when did you show up? 🤣 RexChapman That was the most hilarious paragraph of unnecessary information I have ever read on twitter 😂😂😂😂😂 the details... Don’t forget to add that he’s probably shitting his pants from the Taco Bell. I feel sorry for this guy this man obviously doesn't have access to a Wawa gobbler.

Fake news, he’s wearing pants. I haven’t gotten out of my pj’s all day. How glorious! GrantimusPrime I went to Jack in the Box. Because nothing celebrates 2020 like a guilty exchange with a clown in a suit. Usually the onion stories are fake aren't they? TimJDillon Did you write this article? Straight from your podcast.

SovietSergey Taco Bell? RIP his anus. parkerkfox that u? It would be if they had fucking potatoes. Ain't that the truth thekjohnston Not to be a buzzkill, but some of us don't have anyone to avoid. My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles... all dead. I'm divorced, no kids, live alone. Minus the weed and Taco Bell, this is every fucking day of my fucking life.

I wanted Taco Bell today! They were closed here! CelesteCunning 🤣 jaketapper That’s actually false. tacobell is closed on Thanksgiving! Get your facts right tapper. 😉 Yassss Marmel Wake and bake Portland style! thekjohnston 😂 danthaman_man thekjohnston I think my Christmas2020 is going to be the same! :)

You're either Bell or Del and I am definitely DelTaco but appreciate the sentiment. 😀 munin Mofo I’m in that cozy spot right next to you lol so real 😸 And throw on some football my man 😸🐾🐾🐾🏈🍻🦃🍕🎉🎶🎶🎶🐾🐾🐾🐾☕️🐾🐾🐾😸😹😹💙💙💙and some ‘nip 😹🐾🐾🐾🐾 Yeah, if I've learned anything from American stand-up comedians and sitcoms it's that families are horrible and holidays with family are the worst. This lockdown thing is a blessing, no?

TrueFactsStated Nonfiction Thanksgiving with no family feuds!🍷 I almost thought that was SeanRossSapp in the photo. 🤣 _mantis_ nubreed064 bruh 😂😎 pinchetrombone brg1247 knows rksbell ilovejohnkimble LDNLove 😂 Keeping family safe! Same fam The Onion is back! I thought the onion was 'fake news'... this is 100 percent true.

Mmm, Indica & soft tacos 🌮😋🌿🚬😌 LifeGoals Um this is very disrespectful to me I am a Christian woman and smoking is very unhealthy you should be ashamed taco bell RexChapman more like NotTheOnion amirite? 😁 yvonnewanda Lol Nice Also no racist drunckle to fight with. lanceanger used to be know for satire. 🐮🐮

In other news, is turning into regular news outlet. 🐮🐮 I’m doing something similar except not Taco Bell lol. But THC will go nicely with my food coma. ChemicalAT if I ate Taco Bell, I would get High too Literally the truth, except that taco bell was closed today. Really good stay at home advertisement STAYATHOME WearAMask

noplacelike_it 😎 jaketapper I could relate to that when i was that age. Now my kids are that age and I can still relate. elcondore HA! thanks for the laff... Checkmate, Taco Bell isn’t open on thanksgiving. I checked. Damn, well there’s always Christmas best Onion tweet...ever? Thanklessgiving? HedonicUrge

jaketapper Everybody should have something to be grateful for Okay bur that man doesnt know hes being watched jaketapper There’s a price to pay for eating Taco Bell. It comes in darkness and with stealth. And then it pounces. Caveat emptor. realnickrangel 😂 Winner winner, chicken dinner. The Onion remains the best news source there is!!!😂😂😂😂

Sounds like TimJDillon jaketapper Haha. No drama. Been binge watching tv all day. Me and hubby will still eat a good meal- TV trays in front of tv. Hell yeah, don't even need to be bothered with having to answer about having no kids at 40! Yeah buddy don't you know it! thegoodgodabove I used to have Thanksgiving like that a couple times a week.

Can2_0 Make it Chinese food leftovers and this is me! If I got high I would not eat that garbage called tacobell jaketapper That new grilled cheese chalupa is fire! tacobell I miss you 😔 I thought The Onion was supposed to be satire jaketapper We love our taco bell! Check out our flag on our page! Thanksgiving? That's a normal tuesday

jaketapper He's got the right idea, lol! I’ve done that when I was younger...watching the MST3K Thanksgiving marathon. Pure bliss... HughAcheson jaketapper For years I simply referred to today as 'taco and beer day'. Just add 'watching MST3K's Turkey Day Marathon' to that headline and that is literally me right now.

downy55 jaketapper Same 😂 NyamineED This you CoreyGloor? buttcasino ...until the taco bell kicks in. Then be will be having the shittiest evening of his life. AoDespair 😂😂😂 ReggieTales jaketapper sorry fam I'm sick gonna have to kick back today I sent this article all my family jaketapper 👍👍👏👏😂😂

You're losing it The Onion! This is peak Thanksgiving now haha. Happy Thanksgiving Man...good times jaketapper No Turkey , Ham and Chocolate orange herbs for dessert , I do what I want jaketapper This is how all Holiday's should be spent! jaketapper Disgusting jaketapper M_Reilley jaketapper Sounds lonely

jaketapper Exactly what I'm doing over Christmas. Sitting in getting wrecked, fat and drunk. 👍 jaketapper Lucky dufus😀 Not a parody headline jaketapper I see you, jaketapper 🤣🤣🤣 Is that Will Wheaton? Sounds like he’s having the best thanksgiving of his life too tbh SuperWiki LOL this is great tkloosterhuis84

Zantigos! Fight me thegoodgodabove Come on, The Onion.....this is NOT satire!!!!! A slacker after my own heart! In other news, is into an MSM outlet. 🐮🐮 also, your mom's best Thanksgiving of her life. God I wish that were me Is taco bell open? Do they deliver?