Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.
“In some ways, I’m relieved that it’s finally over and David can be at peace,” said a tearful Mrs. Seaborne, clutching at a recent photograph of her husband, most of his hair missing after being ripped from his scalp by the rampaging jungle beast. “To watch him seclude himself in that basement every night and know that he was about to be in an unimaginable amount of pain—it just became too much to bear.”
Although Seaborne never let on to friends or coworkers that he was desperately fighting for his life with a violent primate, many suspected that something was wrong.
The few people who knew of his hardship said that, even toward the end of his ordeal, when Seaborne was often completely covered in feces, the gorilla never managed to rob him of his dignity.
The gorilla, however, eventually stopped responding to the drugs and returned with a vengeance.
“I tried to make David as comfortable as possible, and even gave him a helmet, but at that point the most we could do was pray,” Patterson added.
“Because these things tend to run in the family, Jonathan, Patrick, and David Jr. are in a very high risk group,” Patterson said. “Realistically, though, there just isn’t a whole lot that can be done. After all, that gorilla is still in their basement.”Read more: The Onion
EmoPhilips Shouldn’t have been monkeying around Very hard DK strikes again This is like AI written headline. YakovPettersson one of the all-time best article write ups horribke gorrila strong as hulk This has got to be the stupidest article ever! Mama, why do we have to fight all the time? F StandUpToGorillas ✊
My son loves gorillas, he is going to be very upset to hear about this. rapscallionn Harmabe never dies
A man dies in Hawaii after falling into a lava tube in his yardAn elderly man in Hawaii was reported missing, and when authorities went to the man's home on Monday, they discovered he had plummeted 22 feet below the surface through a soft area of ground on his property into a lava tube That's horrific horrific! Praying for family and friends. A lava tube. There's something id never expect
This man is me, I'm that man. Sartor1836 F This better not be some Monkey business Because they branched off as a species long ago, it's not likely Did someone say peanut butter? It was the very rare, but satisfying, well struck punch into the gorilla’s small snout that kept bringing him back to the fight. Pity.
So sad. Rest in peace. Damn, with this headline, I just had to click the link. You got me. “I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off,” thundahstar Finally! *Gorilla beats chest in triumph*
Elderly man dies after falling 22 feet down a lava tube in his own yardAn elderly man who went missing for several days was discovered to have died after falling into a lava tube in his yard on Monday. Ok. I learned something new...”lava tube”... Sad about the old guy though....but I think “lava tube” was the hook here Ok this is just strange
Trainwreckstv Was he involved in.... gorilla warfare? I'll show myself out This is up there with 'Reagan's Body Dies' as an all time classic headline. I laugh every time I see it. NOOOOOOOOO FightFightingGorillasAtNight This is still your best one ever. I know what it says and I still laugh til I cry every time.
Rip Demonpuppy Still the best article lmao Gorillas always get you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But sooner or later, they get us all. Them or dolphins. I remember when they published this a decade ago, back when many, MANY people were much more gullible on the internet today (hard to believe, right?). People were in an outrage over how the man could have been so stupid as to have picked a fight with a gorilla. Lol lol lol
71-Year-Old Hawaii Man Dies After Falling Into Lava TubeThe man had not been seen for several days when he was found in the tube more than 20 feet under the surface. The authorities believe he was clipping bushes in his yard when he fell in. Thanks, Trump! Lava flowing only 20 feet below....will get my house checked.. R.I.P. 🙏🙏🙏
Nnedimkpa_ Honestly babe if you could start working a cure for this terrible disease that would be super. Too many good people dying out there I’m not shaving my back hair this month in honor of the fight against gorilla.
Watch New Jersey man fake workplace fall for fraud insurance claimA New Jersey man was sentenced to 2 years probation for insurance fraud after he faked a slip-and-fall accident that was caught on tape, authorities say. You'll have that sometimes... Slippin Jimmy. Aw jeeze...he sure ain't no Slipp'n Jimmy
Hong Kong protesters call for 'revenge' after 22-year-old student dies in fallThe student who died had been in hospital since Sunday, after falling from a multi-story parking garage during a confrontation between protesters and police. If we demand the protesters to stay non-violent, we should show them that they can count on the international support to avenge the injustice. Please vote and pass HongKongHumanRightsAndDemocracyAct immediately to give them hope, otherwise it will only end with more tragedies. Or because of the climate change? Marines for when? ¿O por el cambio climatico? ¿Los marines para cuando? . Edad Moderna Periodo Sengoku (1477-1615) The death of the Hong Kong student is one of many suspicious cases of deaths that have been found in HK for the past 5 months. Generally the HK public has lost trust in the current govt and police to have an objective investigation and inquiry. StandWithHongKong HongKong
Hong Kong student who fell during protests dies, fresh unrest likelyThe Hospital Authority confirmed that Chow Tsz-lok, 22, an undergraduate student at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology, had died of injuries. These protests are affecting only HongKong not China. Self defeating. Better negotiate. dirty colonial loyalist.