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Man Can’t Shake Feeling That Someone Other Than Government, Employer, Advertisers Watching Him

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GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Desperately attempting to free himself from a lingering sense of paranoia, local man Adreese Fowler admitted Wednesday that he just couldn’t seem to shake the creeping sensation that someone other than the government, his employer, and advertisers was watching him. “I keep getting this eerie feeling that everything I do is being monitored by a person who isn’t from the FBI, Silicon Valley, or my company’s corporate office,” said Fowler, adding that whoever was tracking him wasn’t simply engaged in comprehensive surveillance of his behavior at work and home, or harvesting his data to create a meticulously detailed profile of his personal beliefs, interests, and habits to sell to a third party. “It’s hard to articulate, but I think there’s someone out there keeping tabs on me besides Facebook, our HR department, Grand Rapids PD, and the people who make the phone I keep in my pocket and carry everywhere I go. I feel it when I’m driving, too, as if it’s not just the countless brands that pay Google to access my GPS information that are following my every move. Ugh, I get goosebumps every time I think about it.” At press time, reports confirmed the strange, uncomfortable presence Fowler had felt lurking alongside him was nothing less than God the Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, keeping watch over the man as he made his way through this world.

 

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VaiSheLykDis In the times of rising fake news, Did onion just pivot to true stories MADLAD

KingslyFishao

Uhm, God too? 🙏

I am watching him.

Demons

He must be an area man

char__latte

Could be Alexa. 🙃😁

define 'watching' please.

The 😈 is watching him too.

the super-ego

Could be his wife Or his boss Or his friends Or his estranged, high school girlfriend that became a stalker that collects left-handed gloves

I send my condolences to the Onion writers...it must take hella amounts of “spice” to try to produce satire in these times!

Man Can’t Shake Feeling That Someone Other Than Government, Employer, Advertisers, Big Technology Companies, Foreign Intelligence Agencies, Rogue Blackmail Operations Watching Him

yeah im starting to think the voices in my head are lying about my safety

photographer

Same

Uhh who cares about some guy? News sites are getting so lazy now

fluk Hilarious.

It’s Tiktok

Probably his fitbit.

Probably his Roomba.

Eye wonder why

Neither can local area woman.

Turn the camera off.

A photographer is also watching him.

It's just Sting and the Police. Didn't the bass give it away?

Probably his ex

legit concern

I think that's grounds for another shot of tequilla. I'm so proud of Madison, WI.

It's probably his cat

Rockwell ! “Somebody’s watching me!”

Alexa or Siri or maybe be both

Window washer?

It’s me

In 1776, George Washington was asked by the president of France to spy on the president of the United States. He refused. And then he was attacked by an angry mob and arrested.

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