NAPERVILLE, IL—In what is being heralded as a scientific breakthrough on par with Copernicus’ heliocentrism or Einstein’s theory of relativity, sources confirmed Thursday that local 13-year-old Shane O’Donnell invented masturbation.
” Sources reported that the visionary then implemented a never-before-attempted jerking of the penis shaft that yielded what the sixth-grader hypothesized was an erection, later confirmed when increased yank speed produced “some stuff” that O’Donnell referred to as “splooge.
classic
Try doing it in a snow storm for an hour and a half, uphill, both ways... Scram kid!
RobDenBleyker I thought that GeorgeSantosLies invented it
Banger article
Is it the same for everyone? 'I wonder if I can trick my dick...'
I invented that
Well good for Him!!
😂😂😂
That’s a vampire
Confirmed at the bike racks. Lol
i invented the 69 before i knew it was a thing. i get to remain proud of that, right? ...right?
Again? Seems like he does this every other week.
This is worse than Gore saying he invented the internet!!
Really? I thought I had. In my house such things weren't dinner-table conversation, so for a while I figured I'd found out something really great that no one else knew about. For the record, by first erection was while watching a June Allyson on TV in 'The Stratton Story.'
Neat, is there a tutorial?
Might not have been the use of this kid's picture that his parents imagined.
RobDenBleyker Reiterative
Impossible, I have a patent on that
fake news
stop reposting old content
SeanMastersons Reminded of a golden oldie:
Get the patent young man!! you’re gonna need that for when you go on Shark Tank.
Discovers
life globally in 48 hours:
It wasn’t him… it was me!
I invented the palm razor. I’m gonna be Rich!
He’s my seller. I’m addicted… but I don’t wanna stop?
Sadly, He Neglected To Patent The Process Or He Would Made elonmusk Look Like A Pauper In Comparison ...
Remember when you were on Pluto TV? We talked them into doing that again.
Lucky stiff!
Wanker.
and joins the Young Republicans in abject disgust
I'mma tell my kids that this was Mark Zuckerberg
The onion use to be the wittiest, dryiest, intellectual humor. It’s gone off course and isn’t the same. 🥲 I miss the old onion
BS! George Santos already did years ago!
The rest of the headline should read - and goes blind
Looks like he invented vampirism as well
It’s always the young people who are cumming up with the best ideas
That child is a vampire.
checks out
Let me guess: It's a proprietary process only shared under a non disclosure agreement.
Disgusting article you sick groomers!
💀💀💀💀💀💀
Wait till he learns of the multipurpose use of tube socks
Jesus, is that kid a vampire? He's got bigger canines than Ricky Gervais.
Come again?
This kid straight-up has fangs wow
“Look what I tugged out Mum”
Get the patent, son. You’ll be a billionaire by next week.
Bitch, I did that years ago
Invented? No! Exploited? Yes!
Naperville, eh? Makes sense.
He’s already an old hand at it
“Watson - come here. I need you.”
Just not funny. But used to it by now.
You gotta hand it to him.
Bullshit. I filed the patent back in 1995.
I do hope this is an ai generated photo!
I wonder if Dad knows about this? --Richard Pryor
This poor stock photo model didn’t know what he was signing up for…
Interesting research field..
Reminder: posing for stock photos isn't worth the money 😂
Makes a ton.
Just as I thought, the onion is a bunch of groomers now
Fuck! I knew I should have patented that!
This is so inappropriate
The best part is that he thinks nobody knows he’s doing it! “I told you not to bother me when I’m cleaning my room mom!!”
No thanks, I use ivermectin.
LOCAL? hell no!
Thank you, local teen
And then grows up to call it Meta.
Feelsgoodman
*Florida Teen
don't show this to matt walsh
What a Chad
wow i need to tell all my friends about this!
Ha, little perv
What a stroke of luck!
Hardly 🤣
oh my god
What a jerk
hrishisolunke obladioblada987
Ssshhhh, don't tell him...
Dammit, I knew I should have applied for a patent.
AqCN
bro that's white trae young
Well that term needs a nickname
the appropriate term is 'discovers' instead of 'invents'
He's the same one that discovered sex. Guess that didn't work out.
This was me in grade 4-5. I’m not fucking joking.
“Splooge” - damn the onion really has some of the best writers . The material is top notch !
when I invented it I was so proud I gave myself a hand and a sitting o
NobelPrize this kid deserves it.
Thanks for giving me a laugh after waking up from a weird dream 🙏
hmmm, headline says teen but alt text says pre-teen.
Show & tell at school is going to be pretty awkward.
He ‘beat’ everyone else
…
I have many questions about the boy whose image was licensed for this article.
Big if true
Like Europeans 'discovering' America, well, it's a big deal to him.
A true hero
Late bloomer
Local Teen Also Is a Vampire Apparently
I dd it b4 it was cool
And man's downfall started at that very moment
about time
FINALLY
You magnificent self pleasuring bastard!
But he told all his friends that he had sex before, it's not adding up.
Oh Steve Jobs has been reincarnated! He invented everything!
That glorious year-long stretch where you discover masturbation and haven't been told that you're going to hell for it yet.
finally something to do
He's going to be rich! Rich, I tells ya
finally.
Is he selling a book? Asking for a friend
thanks for giving me some good home alone nights, random teen!
I know what mastication is,it’s eating food but this masturbation invention I’m not sure. What does it produce, is it fun is it hard is it a manual process,does it cum with instructions?
Does your photo license allow you to display this boy in this way? You should take this poor kid's picture down.
Bet he was worn out after that invention.
You meant to say Mastered ?
' A small wank for a man, a giant nut for mankind'
Bless him
CSezNeeAck I can't unsee that one eye is half a inch lower than the other.
In more important news this teen is also a vampire as evident from this photo
Me at age 13
Seriously what the fuck is up with this kids vampire fangs?
Prior art
Well…he had a hand in it… Thank you…goodnight.
Been waiting for this invention so song
And he's got vampire teeth to suck.... your blood 😄😄
Kids a friggin vampire
I thought i was a genius for figuring out the mechanics of the 69 when i was like 10, long before i had even seen porn. Took me another 10 years to put my theory to use...
Keep doing this kid and here is your future.
I bet this boy never thought his photo would be used in an article about firing off knuckle children
Did he file a patent?
This changes EVERYTHING
;_;7
I'm pretty sure I had a 'hand' in that!
Wait..., I can do WHAT? If anyone needs me, don't bother looking
That is such a lie! I cannot take seriously any more. Harrumph! 🫤
This article is from 2019
WELL IT LOOKS LIKE THE KIDS ARE GONNA BE ALRIGHT
knobslobnwinery What The Who?
I was All State in masturbation in ‘83 and ‘84.
He’s gonna be RICH
Looks like a vampire.
Ben Yanklin
Christopher Cumlumbus
What a handy, useful invention. A Stroke of genius indeed!
a modern day genius
Discovers*
why- why does he have fangs
I knew I should have patented it when I invented it in the 70s:
Finally, the scientist we deserve!
Thanks, Jack Offstein, you changed my life!
I look forward to reading the research from this promising teen.
Again?
Looks like a young Norm Macdonald
Lmaaaao “Timmy! Look, look, they finally used your stock image!”
“Oh, God, that’s it, yeahhhh'
a shout out to my hometown. where I also definitely did this.
Also Not explicitly guaranteed in the constitution GOPChairwoman GOPLeader USSupremeCourt
Sorry to be the one to tell you this, junior, but I came up with that shit more than 35 years ago.
😂😂😂
Do people really wait until their teens to start masturbating? 🤷♂️
My apologies to Mr. Groening.
Oops...thought that was about Madison Cawthorn. 🙃
This kid is the next Elon Musk! By that I mean inventing things that already exist and convincing people that they're unique ideas.
😄
So true
WTF
Ok but the first time I organically jacked off my first thought was 'god DAMN the world HAS to know about this' I was trying to think of a name for it
RIP to his socks
holy shit it actually works
Woah hey, this feels amazing! Excellent research. Thanks for your hard work
I'm filing a protest at the Patent Office.
Naperville.... figures.
A young Justice Kavanaugh.
What a stroke of luck!
Chad
Give this kid a handsome cash prize!
Hero
This is the funniest thing I've read in a good bit. The last couple of paragraphs are gold
anyone gonna point out how weird it is that the onion posted a random child's face on a satire story about masturbation? No?
why does he look like a young Mark Zuckerberg
Glad he didn't break himself.
Yeah, but is it ambidextrous?
He's blind already
Great work Schladerade. Finally getting recognized.RealCMurder56
Best show and tell ever.
Area Teen Monetizes Discovery With Exciting New App
How did he pull that one off ? i thought the wheel was re-kindled by Cubism ?
Thank you for your invention sir
Big if true
Whoa if true
Even after the boy's father told him that he would go blind from masturbating, the boy has pledged that he will continue until he needs glasses.
His failure was forgetting to monetize it.
I swear I thought I did.
He actually Zuckerberged it from another kid at Summer Camp.
But did he sell an nft of this 'masturbation'?
Cursed stock photo. Lol
I still own the patent on Spankin' The Monkey®
United States Latest News, United States Headlines
Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
Source: CBS Philly - 🏆 308. / 63 Read more »
Source: nbcchicago - 🏆 545. / 51 Read more »
Source: KSLcom - 🏆 549. / 51 Read more »
Source: dallas_observer - 🏆 453. / 53 Read more »
Source: dallasnews - 🏆 18. / 71 Read more »
Source: njdotcom - 🏆 282. / 63 Read more »