Local Teen Invents Masturbation

Local Teen Invents Masturbation

Sex, Vol 55 Issue 17

1/21/2022 2:30:00 AM

Local Teen Invents Masturbation

NAPERVILLE, IL—In what is being heralded as a scientific breakthrough on par with Copernicus’ heliocentrism or Einstein’s theory of relativity, sources confirmed Thursday that local 13-year-old Shane O’Donnell invented masturbation. O’Donnell’s study of the effects of pillow-humping on the brain’s pleasure center…

Read more: The Onion »

Respect My Decision: Former NFL safety Myron Rolle

Adam Gorney sits down with Dr. Myron Rolle, a former five-star athlete and college and NFL player, to discuss his new book, 'The 2% Way: How a Philosophy of ... Read more >>

What a handy, useful invention. A Stroke of genius indeed! a modern day genius Discovers* why- why does he have fangs I knew I should have patented it when I invented it in the 70s: Finally, the scientist we deserve! Thanks, Jack Offstein, you changed my life! I look forward to reading the research from this promising teen.

Again? Looks like a young Norm Macdonald Lmaaaao “Timmy! Look, look, they finally used your stock image!”

Suspect Arrested After Holding Teen Girl Hostage During Barricade In Overbrook, Police SayBREAKING A suspect is in custody after police say he held his teen cousin hostage during a barricade situation in Overbrook. During the standoff, the man was allegedly seen on Instagram pointing a gun at the girl.

“Oh, God, that’s it, yeahhhh' a shout out to my hometown. where I also definitely did this. Also Not explicitly guaranteed in the constitution GOPChairwoman GOPLeader USSupremeCourt Sorry to be the one to tell you this, junior, but I came up with that shit more than 35 years ago. 😂😂😂 Do people really wait until their teens to start masturbating? 🤷‍♂️

My apologies to Mr. Groening. Oops...thought that was about Madison Cawthorn. 🙃 This kid is the next Elon Musk! By that I mean inventing things that already exist and convincing people that they're unique ideas. 😄

Minnesota Attorney General Slams Local COVID Testing Company in Lawsuit, Alleging Deception and FraudIn the midst of surging COVID-19 infections and a nationwide shortage of testing supplies, the Minnesota Attorney General’s office is accusing a St. Charles testing company and its Rolling Meadows laboratory of “deceptive and misleading” practices.

So true WTF Ok but the first time I organically jacked off my first thought was 'god DAMN the world HAS to know about this' I was trying to think of a name for it RIP to his socks holy shit it actually works Woah hey, this feels amazing! Excellent research. Thanks for your hard work I'm filing a protest at the Patent Office.

Naperville.... figures. A young Justice Kavanaugh. What a stroke of luck!

'I'm a good kid, I really am,' teen accused of killing 2 classmates tells judgeThe boy accused of killing 2 fellow Hunter High School students will remain in juvenile detention after the state requested to take a few more days to prepare formal charges. via KSL_CopsCourts

Chad Give this kid a handsome cash prize! Hero This is the funniest thing I've read in a good bit. The last couple of paragraphs are gold anyone gonna point out how weird it is that the onion posted a random child's face on a satire story about masturbation? No? why does he look like a young Mark Zuckerberg

Glad he didn't break himself. Yeah, but is it ambidextrous? He's blind already Great work Schladerade. Finally getting recognized.RealCMurder56

Local Chefs Compete on Disney Plus Cooking Competition, FoodtasticOn Disney Plus’ new baking competition Foodtastic, teams of bakers, chefs and food designers compete for the coveted prize of a Disney pin — not to mention ...

Best show and tell ever. Area Teen Monetizes Discovery With Exciting New App How did he pull that one off ? i thought the wheel was re-kindled by Cubism ? Thank you for your invention sir Big if true Whoa if true Even after the boy's father told him that he would go blind from masturbating, the boy has pledged that he will continue until he needs glasses.

His failure was forgetting to monetize it. I swear I thought I did. He actually Zuckerberged it from another kid at Summer Camp.

Local nonprofits join together in effort to bring more fresh produce to areas of food insecurityFilled with pineapples, red peppers, and leafy greens, a new 40-foot cold storage unit will quadruple the amount of food community organizations can...

But did he sell an nft of this 'masturbation'? Cursed stock photo. Lol I still own the patent on Spankin' The Monkey®

N.J. cop accused of beating teen indicted on federal chargesPaterson police officer Kevin Patino, 29, was indicted Tuesday on federal charges in connection with a 2020 incident in which, prosecutors said, he and another officer beat a man and falsified reports to cover it up. Indicted!! Police brutality is a crime and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

4/25/19 1:42PM NAPERVILLE, IL—In what is being heralded as a scientific breakthrough on par with Copernicus’ heliocentrism or Einstein’s theory of relativity, sources confirmed Thursday that local 13-year-old Shane O’Donnell invented masturbation. O’Donnell’s study of the effects of pillow-humping on the brain’s pleasure center reportedly led the pre-teen to experiment with placing a hand on his genitals and tugging, which was followed by a groundbreaking trial-and-error period involving a variety of tempos and grips. O’Donnell, who called the innovation a eureka moment, then isolated a stroke and grasp that “felt real nice.” Sources reported that the visionary then implemented a never-before-attempted jerking of the penis shaft that yielded what the sixth-grader hypothesized was an erection, later confirmed when increased yank speed produced “some stuff” that O’Donnell referred to as “splooge.” The massive leap forward in sexual stimulation builds off the unprecedented research of 12-year-old classmate Jason Whitman who confirmed at the bike racks that he recently experimented with placing his penis into the stream of a hot tub jet. At press time, several reports indicated close friends have not seen O’Donnell since he invented masturbation and that his mom keeps saying he’s in the shower.