Keep Those Cucumbers Out of My Seltzer

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Time was, you didn’t have to worry about cucumber flavor being sneaked into your seltzer, or cantaloupe in your tiramisu. Times have changed, writes columnist Joe Queenan.

For the longest time, the only misfortune you risked when you ordered a cup of coffee was if the server mistakenly put in a couple of spoonfuls of sugar when you had specifically said: “Milk, no sugar.”

Those days are gone. Today, a distracted, absent-minded or malicious barista might insinuate French Vanilla Oat Milk or Bulgarian Toffee Nut or Sun-Dried Paraguayan Caramel into your morning joe. If you’re trying to get your head clear at six in the morning on a stretch of Utah highway with the next rest stop 137 miles away, few experiences can be more disorienting. And revolting.

The world of traditional, predictably refreshing beverages has become a minefield. Recently, I went for a walk in the woods and brought along a can of my favorite sparkling water. Imagine my horror when I lifted the can to my lips—at the very height of a 100-degree heat wave—only to find that the water had been flavored with cucumber. Cucumber! One of the vilest foodstuffs known to man.

Examining the can, I found that yes, it did have a tiny pale green strip with the ominous word “cucumber” written on it. But the lettering was so bland and self-effacing that I never noticed it.

The Surgeon General Has Determined That on Very Hot Days, Drinking Disgusting Cucumber-Flavored Sparkling Water Can Make You Sick. Really SickThose of us who remember a kinder, gentler, less additionally flavored America hark back to a time when you didn’t use to have to meticulously inspect every product you were considering putting into your body.

 

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