Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area Death
WHEATLEY, AR—Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment were cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure, unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday.\n
The scene of the idiotic accident.Advertisement"We're fairly positive the deceased was operating under the influence of being an unbelievable dumbass," forensic investigator Evan Lawrence told reporters at the scene, a stretch of road littered with SUV parts, beer cans, food containers, fishing equipment, and pornography. "I mean, we're not saying alcohol, fatigue, poor vehicle maintenance, and driver error didn't play their parts—but mainly, that driver was a goddamn dipshit."
The violent and inane mishap occurred at approximately 4 p.m., just north of town, where Highway 63 passes beneath the railroad bridge.AdvertisementA 25-page accident report released to the press Tuesday contained such details as "leg hooked through steering wheel so driver could use both hands to light cigarette,""handgun case slid under brake pedal, preventing it from being adequately engaged," and "carotid artery lacerated by bottle-opener bolted to dashboard."
Deputy Craig Zemke of the Lee County Highway Patrol said nothing in his 13 years on the force prepared him for the moronic things he saw.Advertisement"As soon as we rolled up, I turned to my partner and said, 'Jake, I can feel it in my bones: This is gonna be a stupid one,'" Zemke said. "When you approach an accident scene and see an inflatable doll stuck in the still-smoldering branches of a tree littered with the remnants of illegal fireworks—well, you know you're in for an idiotic sight."
Zemke's partner Jake Mills explained that, although it is often difficult for investigators to ascertain what might have triggered an accident, the cause of Sunday's accident was "immediately and pathetically obvious."Advertisement"See, usually, the vehicle's sudden-braking skid marks don't start a mere six feet from the concrete pillar," Mills said. "Usually, the vehicle doesn't have a gas tank held to its frame by a bungee cord and two leather belts. And, in almost all cases, the driver isn't halfway through the windshield with a half-bottle of Everclear grain alcohol in one hand and an electric nose-hair trimmer in the other."
"The police cruiser hadn't even stopped rolling by the time I'd penciled in 'stupidity' under 'cause of death,'" Mills added. "After that, I spent a few hours taking measurements, snapping photos, and shaking my head at what a dumbass this guy was."
AdvertisementAlthough investigators can't exactly reconstruct Sunday's chain of events, it appears that the driver—drunk, barefoot, pants-less, and leaving a double shift at a nearby FD&C Yellow No. 5 food-coloring plant—saw a train approaching on the right and stupidly decided to accelerate and beat it to the intersection.
"I deemed the motorist bone-stick-stone stupid for several reasons," Lawrence said. "First, no motorist should ever attempt to outrun an oncoming train. Second, no motorist should ever place an ashtray containing two lit cigarettes on top of a car seat drenched in 190-proof Everclear, as the scorch marks on the deceased's crotch will attest. Finally, and this is the real mind-blower, the accident occurred at a spot where the train tracks pass
overthe highwayon their own bridge. Apparently, the numbnuts panicked when he saw the train approaching, veered off just before entering the underpass, and sent his truck into the bridge abutment. So even though 'stupid' barely begins to cover it, let's decide that it's an adequate description of the cause of death and leave it at that."
AdvertisementThe moron's name is being withheld out of respect for his stupid family, which is preparing lawsuits against the Arkansas Highway Department, the Union Pacific Railroad, and the David Sherman Corporation, which produces Everclear. Read more: The Onion »
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20 year reader since college in Madison, and this is one of the funniest I’ve ever read. Well done. That's a real crash scene that resulted in death. Lisa Lopes' death. Speed was a factor This was TLC’s Left Eye’s car crash. When I go, I hope it is worth an Onion article!!!! i need those tires I'll bet it was that 'Fat' Al Cohol guy. I see it all the time. Fat Al crash kills two, Al Cohol suspected in late night crash, etc.
I guess I must be stupid too because I'm seeing a report of a driver lighting a cigarette with both hands while holding a bottle of Everclear AND trimming his nose hair and thinking, 'damn, that's one HELL of a multitasker!' Covers many Areas Yep looks like it Somehow gets relabeled 'coronavirus death' even though they weren't tested.
As an introvert, I pray Mark Ruffalo was not involved in this crash PowerRangers oops...Looks like someone got into an accident... Tyler, you okay there, buddy? DinoCharge BrennanMejia OrangeRangerVid RangerWiki It's funny because it's true Please click the link to the article Stupidity by arrogance no doubt.
Stupidity can take life and give life. I am the living proof Evergreen. ayo fax they don't think it be like it is, but it do
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