Insecure, Frustrated Bully With Something To Prove Considering Career In Law Enforcement
RALEIGH, NC—Calling it his lifelong dream, local man Brendan Lockhart, an insecure and perpetually frustrated bully who believes he has something to prove to the world, told reporters Thursday that he is seriously considering a career in law enforcement.
Lockhart, a recent high-school graduate who sources confirmed is plagued by resentment, self-doubt, unexpected fits of rage, and has always had a penchant for tormenting those who are smaller and weaker than him, explained that he feels he is well suited to serve as a police officer.
“I’ve always wanted to be a cop,” said Lockhart, whose paranoia and inferiority complex constantly haunt him, leading him to lash out at others in order to convince them he is in control. “I know it’s a tough line of work, but I think I’ve got what it takes to earn my shield and get out there and keep the peace.”
Advertisement“This is the job I was born to do,” continued the man whose main goal in life is to prove to others that he is strong, confident, and not afraid.Friends and family confirmed that Lockhart, an unpredictable, petty individual who frequently loses his temper when he feels he is being threatened or disrespected, has in recent months been inquiring into joining the ranks of the Raleigh Police Department. In this role, the man with a massive chip on his shoulder and no visible sense of empathy would be tasked with peacefully resolving disputes and evenhandedly administering justice to members of the community over whom he would have official power.
AdvertisementSpecifically, sources speculated that should Lockhart successfully complete the 17-week officer training program and cursory psychological examination necessary to become a cop, the 18-year-old, who suffers from feelings of inadequacy and frequently explodes in emotional outbursts against people he perceives to be mocking him, would on a daily basis be placed in delicate situations requiring extreme patience and sound judgment.
“My dad’s encouraging me to go to the academy, and he says that once I graduate I can probably get a job around here,” said Lockhart, referring to the man whose own lack of compassion and propensity for inexplicable violence is largely to blame for similar patterns in his son, and who is himself a veteran police officer. “Once I’m a cop, I’m going to do what I have to do to make sure these neighborhoods stay safe.”
Advertisement“I bet a lot of people don’t think I can do it, but I’ll show them,” continued the man who could in six months’ time possess both a standard-issue firearm and the city-sanctioned authority to unholster and fire the weapon.When pressed for further comment, sources close to the man who hopes to play an active role in protecting his community confirmed that Lockhart constantly goes out of his way to intimidate and belittle those people he knows are too submissive to fight back. The 18-year-old often fantasizes at length about getting revenge on those he believes have wronged him. When frustrated or enraged with his own general powerlessness in the world, he reportedly has a tendency to take out these emotions on the first person he comes across, with little or no provocation. Lockhart routinely gets in screaming arguments with others and must be physically restrained as his anger reaches a white-hot pitch, frightening all around him. A devoted fan of mixed martial arts, Lockhart is capable of watching YouTube videos of people being pummeled senselessly for hours at a time.
AdvertisementSources also felt it bears mentioning that Lockhart is an impassioned and unapologetic racist.When asked to outline his motivations for entering the field of law enforcement, the perpetually infuriated bully who could very soon be responsible for the security and well-being of thousands of innocent people explained that he feels a personal obligation to do whatever necessary to safeguard society.
Advertisement“There’s a lot of bad people out there who think they can get away with doing whatever they want, and someone has to stop them,” said Lockhart, his hands unconsciously closing into tight fists. “So if I don’t step up and show everyone who’s boss, who will?”
“Plus, I’ve been talking to my buddies at the gym, and a bunch of them are gonna be cops too,” Lockhart continued. “It’ll be great.” Read more: The Onion »
stanbury_barth Looks more like a candidate for BLM/Antifa BigCopEnergy *laughs in pretty accurate* CharlieGers he looks more like someone in gay porn than a bully EliotETC I just had this thought So when will they update the psychological tests to reject this type of psychopath from ever becoming an officer/getting a license to carry a weapon? If not, he’ll be the next killer of the next George Floyd. Do something! JusticeForGeorgeFloyd PoliceReformNow LawEnforcement
He'll need more tats. I suggest a sleeve made of swastikas WhoseRyanStiles Like most good comedy, there’s a LOT of truth in that Onion headline. Seriously, stop. You're supposed to be satire mackyson lol.. sooo like the 4th toughest guy in highschool, Billy yearns for a life in the Gestapo. 🤦🏻♂️ Insecure Onion staff tries to show they are self aware while promoting unhelpful hyperbolic stereotype (this can also be applied to every single other Onion headline).
Too soon, Onion, too soon... DevonESawa I thought The Onion only wrote fake articles?! Obviously overqualified. ALLCAPSBRO you should've added 'white' to the adjectives This is Babylon Bee level flat. SmartAmerica He looks like he might kill somebody You guys are killing it last few weeks Fuck it up The Onion
These are getting kind of spicy kenneth212 I long for the day that The Onion went back to satire. It's a sober thought that it's now part of real news. And this is where the problem lies in todays society of allowing emotionally destroyed people become cops. He's going to be the cop on the news that u see right now who recently got arrested for killing a man with his knee on his neck. That is literally him in the future.
Sounds about right corybarlog Looks like a young American Greg Davies 😂 LADFLEG Serial killer? HKWORLDCITY Oh the Onion WhoseRyanStiles sorry , but this is far too true to be funny Haha but who is the kid? 😂 I hope he got paid lmao Sign Here .. and here . . You'r Hired/heared/hurt/heart/hurt So true. drewhem
It’s funny because it’s true. The onion has been a roll 😭 WhoseRyanStiles How do you get the perfect pic for these headlines? That kid definitely looks like a POS. WhoseRyanStiles Stopped putting out satire and parody news I see... He’s got that furrow-browed look of a kid that is gonna declare his bullying is actually leadership skills.
bradcarreiro83 mitsufisher Sadly, this is too true. fivefourpod He should consider a career in antifa. No, No, No... Defiantly more suited for the Army. As a front-line Volunteer... If you don't get it in the Front. There is always the hope that one or more of your 'friends' will shoot you in the Back....😡
Yeeeaaaahh... this kinda nailed it. cassiuslain True headline for decades And gets hired. Hey, it’s Derek Chauvin! Called it lol. Finally news did it for fucking once. Sick burn. Accurate burn, but the sickest burns tend to be accurate. Has the onion gone legit? 🤔 He better make sure he keeps his grades down, most police forces don't like them too high.
'Being a cop shouldn't be revenge for high school.' -Bill Maher billmaher Too soon too real I support the police & I find this funny. The Onion posts relevant articles all the time. What’s the point of liking “offensive” humour if you only like the kind that doesnt apply to you? pretty widespread,actually.
thought this was a satirical publication I was a witness in an assault case way back in the day. A few years later I got a call from a police department saying the person convicted in that case was applying to be a police officer. He said the crime for which he was convicted was kids messing around and was misunderstood
heather_kupka CSS_Sporklab see 😩 'Do you need straight A's to be a cop?' nottheonion Or a visit to a USMC recruiting office to get the real feel of an M16... check this out MayorFrey OmarJimenez Or the US presidency... Fucking Based I've been saying this shit for years!!! well....not exactly this. But super fucking close! satire is a window into some truths and it can be funny as hell!
If you live in rural America, you know this to be too true. Maybe urban America too, idk. But at least rural America. BrandyRobison Why? President was taken? OscarNunezLA Or running for President. The speciation of The Onion is now somewhere between NatEnquirer and nytimes corybarlog Oof. This haha no way! I went to school w/ the guy in that stock photo! gonna text him that he’s on The Onion. Ironically, he’s been wheelchair bound since he was 7yrs old♿️ and he’s actually brilliant - earned a Masters in physics and I’m just making shit up i have no idea who that guy is
Remember people: don't just like, click the link 💸💸💸 This stock photo tho Yeah, a deep background check on police academy cadets might be prudent. This article is seven years old, folks. ACAB has been true for a long time. Another gem I know you guys love to joke but this is too accurate 2013 🙁 Yo this isn't news.
Ooh! I wonder when he'll get his first domestic abuse charge, that's a huge milestone hey The Onion, please go back to writing satire and not actual news Wow. So true though. Seems a certain personality type is often attracted to law enforcement... Replace “considering” with “counting down the number of days until he can began”.
That's pretty fuckin on the nose at the moment Well, if his bone spurs prevent him from completing his police training, he can always run for president. Micropenis is a real problem Yep that's him alright. DisabledResist Of course he is. What's the worst that could happen? root of the problem right here But first, if he's anything like any cop I knew from school he first needs to skate by in high school with a solid C- average....
i wonder if Onion writers get paid for every time someone replies to one of their headlines on Twitter with 'I tHoUgHt tHe OnIoN wAs SaTiRe LoL' _MarkLab LADFLEG Well kneel on my neck until I suffocate. Who'd have thought the Onion would be advertising on behalf of Law Enforcement. so every cop ever? not even satire this is just true djsjdjsj
The standard career progression is military first, then law enforcement. You have to do it in order. TasmaniaPolice send this to your HR Department, joking, I know you won’t. Ah, 2013, a much simpler time...😒 nick__i Keep ‘em coming. 👏🏼👏🏼 This is no longer satire lmao MykeCole Truth. He kinda looks like a zombie too.
EverydayTodd This is so stupid. Yeah all cops are really insecure. This is from people who expect police to show up when they call 911... pathetic. corybarlog Well now this is just legitimate news... MykeCole Or he could be president. And then unfortunately he became president I can remember when the Onion used to be funny, not realistic.
sultanoftired Haha..ha..mmh Let me guess, he also couldn’t get in the Military? SovietSergey Training is much shorter than cosmetologist or interior designer. I love you, . I just lol’d. Cops, amirite? High time we privatize law enforcement. Promote some competition. Cream will rise. Just playing devil's advocate here, but maybe it's a harder job than writing cunty headlines for a joke news site. (I love your work, but...)
But only if his grades are bad enough. He'd be hired just by the haircut. RELATED: Nationwide Law Enforcement Feels Overwhelmed With Burden to Continue Murdering Innocent Black Men While Also Preventing Anti-Law Enforcement Riots 'America needs to make a decision about what law enforcement is here for!'
The Onion is more accurate than legacy media... corybarlog This is probably what’s happening in real life MykeCole Go back to doing fiction; it's not so scary. chespace SovietSergey ...and small hands. Fortunately for him those doing the hiring are insecure, frustrated ,middle aged, white men. Hire that psychopath!
The Onion is no longer satire. They’re now a legitimate news organization. Onion going on a mad one as of late Blocked and Reported BlueLivesMatter liberalprick70 Not as President?
New Law Enforcement Robot Can Wield Excessive Force Of 5 Human OfficersHOUSTON—In an effort to enhance the agency’s capabilities while reducing the burden on its existing force, sources confirmed Friday that the Houston Police Department has developed a new line of law enforcement robots capable of wielding the excessive force of five human officers. Can we use it on officers? How much? One might say, too soon?
Trump issues veto threat as House Dems forge ahead on FISA voteHouse Democrats forged ahead with a vote Wednesday to reauthorize surveillance tools used by law enforcement despite sudden GOP opposition to the bipartisan plan after a President Trump tweet. Pelosi is done! Hey Fox News, it’s called a majority in the house. The majority of Americans have voted for this. It will be a bigger majority after November. There wi be charges against Fox News next year. Your Putin party is over. Start thinking about getting lawyered up & plea bargaining.
George Floyd's death another wound for Minneapolis' black community: 'Why can't I just be black in the state of Minnesota?'In the neighborhood where Floyd was killed and in Minneapolis at large, residents and community leaders say a mistrust between police and the black community persists. Duh u think 🤔 Maybe the US should be less concerned about human rights abuses in Hong Kong and focus their attention on human rights abuses in this country instead.
Jeh Johnson: I can think of no legitimate reason for tactics used by law enforcement with George FloydFmr. Homeland Security Sec. Jeh Johnson says he can think of 'no legitimate law enforcement reason' for the death of George Floyd. Well then spilling your voice on MSNBC for attention why don’t you ask the fking liberals who run the city of Minneapolis why hasn’t this cop been arrested? Why hasn’t MSNBC asked the same question? Oh liberals don’t attack liberals even when they are wrong. Arrest the cop! The response for a black man with a bad $20 bill is way different then if a white person was doing the same. They came deep because he was black no doubt...Even most whites professional are saying its wrong very wrong no excuse. doj and fbi is investigating this, There is no legitimate reason for them to burn down the city and loot the stores.
NYC officials call for police probe of white woman's 911 call on black man in Central Park'Efforts to intimidate Black people by threatening to call law enforcement draw on a long, violent and painful history, and they are unacceptable,' the city's Commission on Human Rights said. NBCBLK Stop investigating and do something tangible, stop wasting ppl time and do it goddamn, we black folks don't have that luxury of being investigated while we walk free, we are sent to jail first and got invedtigated while we are there... Must be election year. Liberal media And Dems ramping up their sex, race, origin, hate agenda! I am honestly embarrassed to admit that I was a registered Democrat for eleven years. Crazy how important blacks and women become to the Dems and liberal media on election years Agreed because she blatantly lied!
Texas sheriff: George Floyd's death moment for us 'to see how we can do better'Sheriff of Harris County, Texas, Ed Gonzalez, says 'communities of color are tired of hearing us just speak about change and not delivering on a consistent basis .... It's a moment for us to pause, to reflect, to see how we can do better.' No, no more reflecting. Action, hard stance, policy changes, active training on dealing with the public under stressful situations, emotional training, and psychological evaluations of officers who have shown aggression to the community. This is nonsense. Get the klan off the police force!! EVERYWHERE!! You all know who they are and the Blue Line protects them!! If you want to earn someone's trust, show them, don't tell them.