I Wish My Grandma Had Gotten The Chance To Be Childless

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The recent Texas abortion ruling makes the need for safe and legal abortion even more urgent. My grandmother is proof.

In one of my most cherished photos of my grandmother, we are squinting into the sunlight, our hair the exact same color: mine still blonde, hers not yet white — or at least, not as far as she’s willing to admit. I am wearing a truly dreadful color-blocked anorak and white leggings that are baggy at the knees while holding a sign that says “Pass the Freedom of Choice Act Now!” She has one tucked under her arm that says “I Am the Face of Pro-Choice America.” It is 1992.

“May I just interject one thing?” she said, and then, as she always did, went right ahead. “One day I was standing in front of my living room. I was taking care of my nephew, because his mother, who is my sister, had to go to work. I was also concerned about my parents. I had two children, a husband, two sisters, and I stood in the middle of the floor and said, ‘I don’t want to be anybody’s mother, sister, cousin, daughter, wife. I want to beAndrew, I assume, had heard this story before.

My grief trips me up when I listen to the interview. Her grief — mourning the life she didn’t get to have — does not. Or rather, I don’t take it personally; it doesn’t make me feel like she loved us any less. Quite the opposite, really. My grandmother was one of the most generous people I’ve ever known, always opening her home to family and strangers alike.

Proponents of Planned Parenthood have often insisted that the bulk of the organization’s services are crucial medical care — Pap smears, contraception, STD tests, transition hormones, prenatal checkups — provided to low-income or uninsured patients. It’s life-saving stuff, and anyone who truly cares about reproductive health or human life in general should sing its praises. All of this is true, but Planned Parenthood does also provide abortions, and they’re life-saving too.

At our grandmother’s funeral, I asked my sister , whose daughter was then very small, whether she planned to have another. She told me, “I’ve always pictured myself with two.” This was absolutely incomprehensible to me — pictured yourself? With children? Pictured yourself in the future at all? — but as with most of my sister’s predictions about her life, she made it come true.

It was a beautiful day, balmy and bright. Ringed with tall buildings, Foley Square was already cupping early twilight in its palm, but homemade signs turned their faces to the sun like hopeful plants:To my left, early-evening light gilded the motto inscribed on the front of the New York County Courthouse. The only word I could read from where I stood was “justice.”

 

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