I Waited Until I Was 41 To Lose My Virginity. But Was It Worth it?

By the time I was 40, I’d dated over 100 men. My romances, which lasted from one night to one year, were with men from 15 years younger to 15 years older. I dated a physicist, army captain, stripclub bouncer, philosopher, professional country singer, peace-treaty negotiator, yacht captain, waste management baron, professional athlete, farming landscape painter, firefighter, ER doctor, retired CIA spy, minister, a handful of lawyers and enough engineers to start a firm.

I sought out a therapist. I visited a local psychic. I talked to my primary care physician. I wanted to know if I was actually “sick” for following my desire to have sexual intercourse in a mutually loving and committed relationship. I am Christian, but not Catholic, and I wasn’t saving myself for God, but as a 40-year-old virgin I was curious if she’d met the same resistance from her peers — if they thought something was wrong with her.

Call it self-sabotage or living a self-fulfilling prophecy, I fell in love with unavailable men— men with whom I knew I’d never have sex because they’d never love or commit to me.

This long-haired former drummer from Long Island was not my type; he actually returned my calls and texts. He was such a good communicator that even his blue-gray eyes changed colors depending on his mood. On our third date, he drove me to the airportwalked me to security. There was a different sort of spark, but it didn’t set off a swarm of butterflies.

Instead, I found myself sitting still in a very unfamiliar place: learning to receive and return love with a man who stood facing me with his arms wide open. I decided I would exchange my virginity for a commitment to positive change: to replace an addiction to longing with a healthy desire to be loved.

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